Lived Experience Forum

[chibam]

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@TideisTurning wrote:

I really like this @Bon_courage- it's a really important reminder! 

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@Bon_courage wrote:

we may think that we can or should tough it out, that we should behave like we’re invincible; we are simply human. We have physical and emotional needs. Our emotional needs, often neglected or even suppressed, are just as important. Like all humans we thrive when connected. Isolating ourselves is not a long-term strategy. 

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I think it's a really confusing time for men, in terms of how they ought to be, emotionally. And I think it's summed up really well with a scene in that Bredan Fraser/Liz Hurley movie "Bedazzled". Bredan Fraser finds out the girl he's crushing on wants a sweet guy who isn't afraid to show his emotions; so he makes a wish to become just like that. But then she goes and runs off with the "alpha male" tough guy bullies. And I think a lot of guys find that there's a fair degree of truth to that scene.

So it's like, showing your emotions; holding back your emotions - it doesn't matter, either way your doing the wrong thing and you have to be chastised for it!

[amber22]

Onto our next question of the night...

What are some things to consider when trying to understand why men might have a tendency to ignore or suppress their Mental Health struggles? 

@Bon_courage 

[Bon_courage]

@chibam I feel that's a real important observation. I haven't seen the movie (I will now 😋). But yes there are mixed messages out there and mixed results too. I'm not sure what the right approach is but I feel constant bottling in of emotions can have long term deleterious effects. It's okay to talk about feelings....but it has to be safe. 

[Bon_courage]

Q: What are some things to consider when trying to understand why men might have a tendency to ignore or suppress their Mental Health struggles? 

Here are some of the possible causes. The list is not exhaustive, it can’t be. 

I always encourage anyone reading this to contribute their own thoughts and ideas on it. 

Considerations: 

• Tough it out culture (stiff upper lip) 
• Bread winner (in some societies there are high expectations on how a man should be and what his role should be in the context of a raising a family or simply asserting himself in society. When life dishes out some challenges that do not conform to the standard narrative; men can quickly find themselves alienated and isolated with nowhere to go. 
• Perceived weakness when disclosing Mental Health struggles (combination of cultural and societal tradition and norms) 
• Growing up not displaying or talking about emotions. 
• Loneliness & isolation. Men are often very task oriented. Social connection often takes place via a particular shared task or shared objective. Once the task is over, men often find it challenging to connect with others. Retirement age is often seen as a risk factor as so many men experience identity crises and feelings of lacking purpose. 
• Access to lethal means (we never discuss means in these forums – just commenting on the fact that Men more often than not have greater access to lethal means) 
• Cultural norms & other considerations 

[chibam]

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@Bon_courage wrote:

It's okay to talk about feelings....but it has to be safe. 

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And perhaps therein lies the rub - the absence of safe and productive environments to talk openly.

[Oaktree]

@Bon_courage 

I just asked hubby if when depressed and suicidal if he would seek help? He said “probably not”

so I asked him if he has ever been suicidal and he said yes. When I was really sick years ago he felt that way.

I don’t know how to help him if he won’t seek help or even tell me about it

Meggle

[chibam]

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@Bon_courage wrote:

Q: What are some things to consider when trying to understand why men might have a tendency to ignore or suppress their Mental Health struggles? 

Here are some of the possible causes. The list is not exhaustive, it can’t be. 

I always encourage anyone reading this to contribute their own thoughts and ideas on it. 

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Lets not forget past experiance (either direct or through someone else) of having sought help/opening up, and having the gesture play out very badly.

[Bon_courage]

@Oaktree Thank you so much for sharing this and asking the tough question. Presence sometimes is the most important thing you can offer. Perhaps one way to approach the topic is reframing it in the third person "if your mate was struggling what would you do". Forgive me if this sounds like advice it really just boils down to what works for the person. So asking is the first step I'd say.

[amber22]

That sounds tricky @Oaktree but I think you're doing a really good job at creating an environment where he might feel more inclined to speak about it if you are asking those kinds of questions. 

It is difficult because we aren't able to make someone speak about their feelings, but making sure that they know that they won't be judged and that they will be supported is a really great start

[Bon_courage]

@chibam yes very good point. Past negative experiences can make us so distrustful. It's certainly hard to overcome that. Safety and trust is never immediate. Offering a non-judgemental, safe and confidential environment is a good start in my view