Lived Experience Forum

[NameUnknown]

hi all,

its been a while since i posted but everything is just getting a bit much everything i do lately seems to have a negative outcome. my partner is moving forward he got a good job and a lot of things are working out for him meanwhile i had to drop out of uni because it was too much trying to save money but things keep coming up i feel like im a bad mum because i cant do stuff for my son much at the moment i know i just got out of icu care but i cant stay awake for more then a few hours it makes me fear being left on my own with him, what if i fall asleep and something happens and i dont wake up i worry that he could hurt himself and ill just sleep through it. im trying to reconnect better with my family i use to be really close to my younger sibs but since moving in with my new house mate who they dont like we have drifted apart and my house mate whos suppose to be my best friend is really irritating me lately im rather clean but her son makes messes every where and she is like ill clean it later but never does i feel like im only there to look after her kid when she doesnt want to. my family dislikes her immensly but we cant afford to get our own place for a few more months. i feel like my mental health has gone haywire but feel like there is noone to talk to about it. i had a severe asthma attack almost ended up in a coma and all my mum could do when i got on the phone to her was complain that they thought my mother in law was my mother and didnt believe her. i cant talk to my mum about my mental health because she thinks that i had i good childhood despite the fact that she was drunk or high on drugs for most of my childhood doesnt even know about most of the trauma i went through. just not sure how too keep going without completly losing it

[Former-Member]

Hi @NameUnknown
I'm glad to hear that you're home again after being so sick. Its so hard being a mum when you're sick and so much more than just ourselves to worry about. How old is your lil boy? Kids are so much tougher than we give them credit for a lot of the time. and getting things right most of the time is actually enough for them to be ok, though i constantly beat myself up over things too. Family stuff seems like its always magnified at this crazy time of year, have had some issues with a few work people lately and have tried to imagine myself having teflon coating where meaningless (but kind of hurtful) stuff can slide off somehow without touching me)... kind of works...
My mother also never admitted to the full extent of our childhoods in relation to her impact on us (she had mi and drug issues too) but did occassionally say things like 'well i was unwell wasnt i, it wasnt my fault'... so am hearing you and relating to that... Hope that things keep getting better for you physically at least which i know would help so much with the day to day. Take care of you

[NameUnknown]

thanks @Former-Member i know that my boy is resilient he goes on like it hasnt affected him at all but he is only five and some things do show through as he doesnt want to go anywhere without me now. 

i dont know why i keep trying with my mother if she cared at all about how my childhood affected me she would actually listen to me when i try to talk to her but it is getting harder to let her keep her delusion of being a good mum.

[Former-Member]

5 is a cute age, my lil boy is six. So full of energy. I spent a month in hospital when he was meant to start kindy and he was already clingy before that and got really clingy after that. and i felt even more guilty. i had to keep reassuring him that things were ok etc. His kindy was amazing and he bonded strongly with one teacher in particular which was so special. I worry alot about how he's going and whether it's 'me' but also think that the fact that i care helps me be a good mum, and i hear that from you too...
I'm about to head off as im so tired, but will chat again soon, take care 🙂

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @NameUnknown ..... and welcome back.  

Sorry to hear that things are difficult for you in this way.  I hope things ease up soon.

I hope you’re finding a little time to take care of you in the middle of it all.

💐🌿

[NameUnknown]

hi @Former-Member and @Faith-and-Hope,

I definietly do care its just gets fustrating to me not being able to do things that he wants to do cause i get tired so easily at the moment and i know that im suppose to take easy cause i basically had a near death experience a week ago but it gets hard to balance taking it easy and keeping up with a five year old boy.

i do get time to take care of myself probably not in the way that you mean @Faith-and-Hope but i have to check my breathing on this little device every 4 hours or so and keep a record of it.

[NameUnknown]

hi @Bubbles3,

im glad your kids help you like that and can tell the difference between mental and physical illness my son can tell when im not well and we have been teaching him about calling an ambulance when i need it but fo the most part me and my partner try to shield him from it for now as my alternates can be hard to deal with we feel it is too much to expect him to understand the difference between mentally and physically sick at the age of five but my switching is mostly controlled and even when i do switch its only for short periods at a time. 

my biggest issue is that he probably felt like i wasnt coming home before i went into hospital he had never been away for more then a night then he had to deal with me being in hospital and he couldnt stay with me.

[Bubbles3]

@NameUnknown

my 5 years old doesnt understand either. he know when something is wrong but thats about it.

being away from our kids is heart breaking. being in the mental health ward and them coming to see you and seeing all the nutters is heart breaking. but usually just go outside if im aloud outside. and just sit out in the sun away from all the mess and druma.

how are you going now.
wht are your fulled up with ATM

[NameUnknown]

@Bubbles3,

yer my son thought they were turning me into a robot when he saw me in icu with all the wires. 

and as for fuel well im on 2 steriod puffers a steriod tablet and nebs but nothing for my MH as i dont like side effects most tablets have so i refuse to take them i have a sedative for when its absloutly nessecary but other then that i get by