Trying to be happy, isn’t working

[Anastasia]

Hello dear @Peri 

Its been too long since I popped in. I've been treading water with my boy, it's been ridiculously busy, emotionally draining but today I can breathe. I have found some new supports and the last one for now falls in to place early next week. What a relief. Already the new ones have made game changing differences. I am very happy! 

What's happening with you sweet Peri. How's your headspace, your son, your darling grandaughter, your health, everything really, are you ok Peri?

When you wrote last I was sad to learn you had lost your dear friend, very sad, I hope you are coping ok Peri?

Some flowers for you my dear friend who.is.always in my thoughts 🌷🌸🌷🌹🌺🌻🌼

[Peri]

Dear @Anastasia ,

thank you so much for your message and the flowers. They are lovely and cheered my day.

I have followed posts about your son and know it has been hard and must occupy your thoughts and activities. I understand how worrying about a Beloved child, no matter their age, drains energy. I still worry about my son, even though I probably don’t need to.  I am so glad that the new supports for your son are making such a difference.

to see ones children being happy, or happier is a gift.

my Granddaughter is divine. We had her 8th birthday a couple of weeks ago. It was really special, there were several disabled children there from her school. It was interesting to watch them and their loving parents.

i am ok, I had thought that I was feeling much better about everything but today I feel quite low and sad.  I hope it is just a passing move.  Several weeks ago my dr changed my meds about and I think it is really helping, certainly with the depression, maybe not the anxiety.  But I will wait and see.

yes, my dear friend, her loss has really made me think about a lot of things. About how little control we really have over life even in significant matters.  I thought about her many times in the time we had not seen each other and I always thought that I had more time to get back in touch.  I was wrong and have been reflecting on the fragility of life, and how little control we have over it. Even as someone who has wished for life to end, it is not actually all that easy to do. Yet my friends sister told me about her illness and when she realised that she was never going to be the same , even if she recovered, she said she just gave up.  I have seen this several times, especially with the elderly, so there must be some mechanism that enables people to do this. 

I don’t mean to be depressing, I hope that I am not being so. It is just reflections.

i do hope that you son continues to do well, and that I read you here, my friend.

thank you, Peri xx

[Anastasia]

Beautiful @Peri 

What a lovely newsy message, thank you and thank you for your sentiments around my boy 🙏💞

Oh an 8th birthday party, how gorgeous. I'm sure your Granddaughter had a ball with her little friends. Gosh it brings back memories Peri. They grow up way too quickly.

It makes me happy that a medication change has you feeling better, that is really good news Peri! 

All of your points about losing someone are so true Peri, life is fragile. Any one of us could go any minute. When we least expect. I do believe in the truth around giving up, like your friend. I've seen it happen with my Grandparents. No reason to keep fighting/going. Our minds are more powerful than we give them credit I think. Its sad she was at that point. 

You're not depressing Peri, it is exactly that reflecting. I do that...when health challenges arise and I think "gosh, I can't go, not yet" but then I reflect on times where I wanted to and am glad I didnt. Our minds are funny really.

I really hope you are feeling somewhat better/happier, perhaps content is a better word today. I think of you fondly and really only want good things for you and your little family. 

Thank you for your lovely message Peri, I always look forward to hearing from you.

Love always 🌹🌸🌷🙏💞

[outlander]

@Peri ❤💕💚

[Peri]

Thank you @outlander

[Anastasia]

Hello dear @Peri 

Its been a while since I have dropped you a message. My apologies, I hope this message finds you well 🙏

Are you are ok?

I hope you aren't affected by this lockdown too much, WA had been "lucky" to say up until now I think? 

How are your granddaughter and son?

What's been happening for you?

My world is in turmoil due to a shock departure of my director. I'll learn Monday who I will report to. I'm very sad. I'm in the middle of unhappy management and him. Not very nice.

My boys stable so that's a huge plus but still keeping me on my toes daily. His face to face suppors are on hold during the lockdown. I have kept the ones that we could and changed to online so he has them still to look forward to.

I'm lucky to be working from home with this lockdown so making the most of pj's. The house looks like a bomb with us all here. My older son is still working but only three days at extended hours to make up a full week. 

Dad's very unwell with a head cold. Grumpy too according to Mum, who's struggling with lonliness due to the lockdown. 

That's all I can think of for now.

Love and hugs dear Peri. Please take care, I miss you 💞

[Peri]

Dear @Anastasia , Thank you for your  lovely message.

i have not been great , I have felt very sad lately, I don’t know why especially, but I can’t shake it.  My anxiety is very high .  

WA and it’s lockdowns, madness. But I am ok just go with the flow.  

My son has actually been quite ill with a virus and his asthma plays up it is so cold in the mornings and at night, it sets him off. But he is ok, rather down though and that always worries me.

i am glad you boy , well both, are doing well.  It sounds like the supports are helping your son and giving you a break from your anxiety about him. But I know it never goes away completely.

my granddaughter will come for her two days this afternoon, she is a little ray of sunshine in the house and will cheer us both up. 

I am really missing my older son, who lives in the uk, he has been there for many years now but I am missing him more.  I used to be able to go and see him every year or two, I can’t afford it now, aside from Covid and it’s restrictions.

i am sorry that your dad is unwell and mum grumpy, life is a tricky business and growing old is not all it is cracked up to be.  I don’t enjoy it one bit.

your work sounds tricky too, changes in management can be very unsettling. 

Dont worry about the house being a mess, I bet a simple one hour concentrated tidy up would change it .

i did some cleaning at mine yesterday and it made me feel a lot better maybe I will do some more before my little sweetie gets here.  And I will make chocolate mousses for her.  She likes them, so does her father.

i am going to knit some socks, I will cast on the first one later today.  I am in the process of knitting matching beanies for my son and grandson in the UK.  I have done one but am stalled on the other, I have just lost interest, but I woukd do it really quickly if I got a move on , so my plan is to motivate myself with the sock , do the beanie then the second sock.  I hope that works for me

i love you dropping by, and I think you make a very good community guide.   

I will be thinking of you @Anastasia  and also @outlander  @Emelia8  @Eve7 @WIP @Shaz51  and others 

love🎈💌Peri 

[Eve7]

Sending you a big warm squishy hug @Peri  and a ticket to London...I wish.

Lots of love

 💖🌸💖

[Shaz51]

ohhh my @Peri  here with you every day my friend xoxodod

[Peri]

Thank you @Shaz51 @Anastasia @Eve7 @Emelia8 ,

your kindnesses are always appreciated by me. I wish I could report that I feel better, but I am absolutely despairing.  I am going to be stuck in this for the remainder of my life. I fear that. I want to find joy in small things again but it doesn’t happen. Each night when I lie down and am in darkness I pretend that I shall died in the night   No more being so alone and isolated. But it doesn’t happen. 

I am missing my mother terribly and want to tell her things. But she died in 2005.  5 days after my birthday. Perhaps it that coming anniversary that is making me feel this way. I have to see her, touch her. I still know what her skin feels like.

peri