Time away from forums

[Snowie]

@creative_writer no point trying to be something that you are not. 

You do what is right for you and what you are comfortable with.

[Jynx]

100% @creative_writer the narratives we inherit from our social and cultural context can heavily influence us, including telling us the 'correct' way to do relationships. For example, some people see sharing a bed as the norm, and if folks aren't sharing a bed it's because there's issues in the relationship. As a fellow touch-sensitive person, I can tell you now that I will never be able to share a bed with someone all the time. I need my space, need my own blankets, and I can't fall asleep with someone else touching me! And some people might think that makes me a 'prude' or something, but that's just what my needs are in a relationship. 

To my mind, the only two people who get a say in how a relationship 'ought' to be, are the people in it!

[creative_writer]

@Snowie I think part of the problem is I’m afraid of enmeshment and lack of boundaries. I need my own space. But then again, enmeshment is normalised in my culture, it’s really toxic. They would say I’m too white washed with how independent I am.

@Jynx plenty of people have their own beds as odd as that sounds. I actually hate being touched particularly when sleepy.

I actually hate when people intrude. Who the f cares about the colour of clothing you wear, whether your kiddos stim. You see, I’ve seen my paternal granny say stuff to my mum. She is very traditional, talking about how women should cook well, keep houses clean. You know that traditional mindset. But the eldest daughter has to carry the trauma of their mother too, it’s exhausting

[Snowie]

I have trouble with touch too @creative_writer @Jynx 

I am so lucky with my hubby. He really lets me take the lead when it comes to touch. He knows how much trouble I have with it at times.

I think it is easier with him however. I know I can trust him 100% and that he is always there for me. Just because I have a history of SA doesn't mean that all relationships are off limit.

[Jynx]

@creative_writer sounds like it's really tricky to have to balance those cultural pressures with your own needs and desires. And yeah, that intergenerational trauma is super rough too, sometimes it feels like we're not just doing our own healing work, but that of those who came before us too. 

[Jynx]

@Snowie that's so amazing your hubby is so respectful of your needs and boundaries! Did it take time to build up that trust? Do you remember what he did to help reassure you/create feelings of safety? 

Curious for my own benefit, as well as for my sister who recently got out of a sexually abusive relationship 🤔

[creative_writer]

@Snowie glad to hear you have an understanding hubby. Touch is one of those things that many of us with ND and/or trauma may feel uncomfortable with at times. Having understanding people helps.

@Jynx this dynamic of relationships is pretty common. One of my cousins (who is a YouTuber) spoke about how the trauma of seeing her mum live with in laws affected her. Her family used to live with in laws when she was young before they moved to their own house. Toxic in laws is so common and normalised. She is also the eldest daughter

[Jynx]

@creative_writer yeah for sure, I think folks sometimes will think that if you're not in the direct line of fire when it comes to volatile, toxic, or abusive relationships, that you're not gonna be as impacted. But growing up in that environment would be soooo challenging hey. And there's another cultural norm too, that you have to get along with the in-laws if you want the relationship to work. Sometimes people just aren't compatible, no matter how many mutual firends/family they have. 

[Snowie]

@Jynx I guess in the beginning I had no issues with trust or touch. When I first met my husband I didn't have any mental health issues. I was 15 when I met him. It took a long time before we started having an intimate relationship. It was something that gradually happened. I guess you could say that my SA issues were there but not present in my life.

I finished school, went to uni, got a job and started climbing up the ladder of positions/responsibilities in my chosen field. 

It was only when I had work related trauma's that my past SA came to the forefront. At that stage I had to take leave from work. Then came psych's, pdoc's, hospital visits, MH courses and lots of ECT. Things that are still happening in my life. That is when I really started to have issues with touch/hugs and lots of other things, etc.

I guess you could say that it was trial and error along the way. Something that myself and my hubby went through together. The trust was already there. We had already been together for over 20 years. I was just as surprised at what upset me as he was. There were times when I needed his hugs and welcomed his touch. Other times I couldn't stand it. I know I am lucky. Most would have ran for the hills after all I have and am going through. He stuck around.

I guess my situation was different to your sisters. My SA happened as a child/young teenager. 

I hope this answers your questions.

Sorry @creative_writer for taking over your thread.

[Jynx]

Thanks so much for sharing @Snowie and yes, very different situations but I think the gentleness, the trial and error, the ups and downs, are still relevant! And I'm so glad your hubby has stuck with you, he sounds like a wonderful fella! And it goes to show that you yourself are a wonderful person too for him to know it was worth it to stick around (I mean I already thought of you this way anyway but just wanted to point it out 😉).

I'm logging off soon so I'll bid you goodnight, and you as well @creative_writer! Catch you both on Monday if you're about. Hope you both have lovely Sundays 😉💜