Spinning spinning…

[Former-Member]

More like a heavy, weighted cloak, one that feels heavy to trudge through life.

Thank you for sharing that part of yourself here. It sounds like a very overwhelming experience for you, but also one that again is quite brave to sit with. Have you ever tried writing, just for yourself, your experience with her? I suggest this with one caveat – to stop if it feels too overwhelming. In the past I've tried writing to the younger version of myself, and it did help, but it wasn't easy.

[petrichor]

There’s just so much rage, not only mine but others in my head too. I wrote to myself a few times before and I can read it but I don’t know I don’t connect to it thinking of her. 

[Former-Member]

Sometimes we don't even need to make sense of what we've written or need to read it back over, it can just be for the process of having written it, if that makes sense. I get the rage, it's hard not to have parts of yourself raging in response to all you've experienced. It's how we process it that makes all the difference I think @petrichor.

[petrichor]

I’ve seen pictures I painted in rage, I’ve seen pictures I painted when I was unwell. It’s not me.

[petrichor]

They’re not me

[Former-Member]

I just want to let you know that I'm heading out for the night now @petrichor, but thank you for chatting with me. I'll be back on shift in a couple of days and I'll be sure to check-in to see how your going then. 

Please be gentle with yourself.

Rhye ☘️

[Appleblossom]

@petrichor Maybe the pictures you painted while in rage are simply that ... and definitely not the whole of you.  Rage has many aspects .... but we do not want to cling to it .... but let it go ... I have felt a lot of rage too ... and was encouraged to express it, but I do not paint or draw ... I express it through walking fast or digging in the garden, or through some dancing ....Often I do not even realise til later ...

Rage in itself is simply a response, and it eventually subsides ... a good thing about it is ENERGY ... and maybe even the ability to defend oneself later, long after the time in childhood when we did not know how to defend or selves or have others to do that for us.  

The important thing after expressing rage is to be able to calm down ... and I hope you have some ways to do that ....

@petrichor 

[petrichor]

My rage is only against myself, I would never hurt people. I have lost it a few times and have ended in hospital for it and then I can see it in the pictures a long while after. I can feel when the rage comes but not when it grows. It doesn’t make sense in my head what happens. I’m pretty good at controlling my rage though, I was taught in hard ways that it’s not socially acceptable to show rage. Rage is very painful. Does your rage hurt? 

[Appleblossom]

Yes it does hurt or "burns" me @petrichor 

Not sure who you were directing your question to ...

Especially my neck, so I do not like rage hanging around and try and channel it into some productive activity, which is why it has become associated with gardening and digging for me ... means I get up and get moving ....I understand the issues with it turning inwards and how that can be very harmful, which is why I have tried to clearly direct it outwards ...

I am not always sure what my feelings are .... sometimes when it is attached to an obsession with a person who hurt my family it is clearly anger ....sometimes it might be more of a life force ...than rage at anyone ..it can feel similar ... .idk any more ....overall I do not strongly identify with rage or anger ... I somehow never had opportunity to express it as a child or adolescent, mainly tried to help my siblings manage their anger at our mother, themselves or whatever ... and only encouraged to get in touch with it myself ... mid 20s in therapy ...I still am not sure what it is 'reasonable; to be angry for ...

Take Care 

[petrichor]

Hi @Appleblossom 

im sorry to hear you’ve been ill for so long but glad you’ve found ways to cope. Well done! Is it still an up and down, but you’re more able to cope?
I’m in a weird mode and I can feel it. Thing is it makes me angry to conform (that’s hard on a good day) but I know it can get a bit tricky when I get off rail, lol but then I don’t care about that part. And at the same time want to destroy myself. 

And all I can think is ‘who cares’