Not Coping

[Birdofparadise8]

Hi @creative_writer 

How are you?

[Blackbird11]

You're not a problem and it's not your fault @Birdofparadise8 be gentle with yourself and don't beat yourself up. It's ok and you're going to be ok. It's ok if you need rest @Birdofparadise8 look after yourself. Sending hugs.

I think checking behaviour is a subtype of OCD. Here is SANEs fact sheet about it... https://www.sane.org/information-and-resources/facts-and-guides/obsessive-compulsive-disorder

[Birdofparadise8]

Thank you @Blackbird11 

I'm feeling so many things right now. I'm just so exhausted. I wish I could just give up some time, but I know I can't. I just have to keep fighting even if I don't want to. Everyone says it will get better at some point. I do hope that isn't far away. Like with my psych and the attachment stuff, I came up to conclude it's my fault, but he is there trying to get me to see it's not, but I just believe everything is my fault. That I wouldn't be like I am if things were different at school. If I was different, a better person. So many things are going through my mind, and how I'm just such an awful person. That's why no one ever liked me at school. It's just all me. Ahhhhh 😩😭 I hate myself and my stupid brain. I just need this all to stop. I know it's not rational, but it's so deep down in me that I don't know how to change it. It's like I need to be erased and reset, and maybe whoever gets my body and consciousness will be a better person. I'm really sorry; I know you're only trying to help. I feel really bad now. I don't even know why I'm going on about this. 

I need to catch up on some lectures and a lab report that is due next week, so I might try to do some of that. I also want to make some muffins. 

[Blackbird11]

You are beautiful, intelligent and kind @Birdofparadise8 

I think it's a good idea to stop your thoughts by tuning into something else like making muffins. Be kind to yourself too.

[Birdofparadise8]

I'm just going to plan out my lab report from last week, and then I'll make them in a bit @Blackbird11 

I still want to cry in a hole, maybe later after dinner. Without the hole, it would be either me sobbing at my desk, on the floor, or in my bed. 

Why do I feel so bad? Do you think it's because of what my psych and I talked about? 

[Blackbird11]

I think you are feeling bad because you are running negative thoughts through your mind. Try letting the thoughts go and practice positive self-talk, build yourself up. Have you time to go for a swim or bike ride? @Birdofparadise8 

[Birdofparadise8]

But could it have to do with the session at all? Like I was saying, I feel things are my fault when we are talking, but yes, I'm still going on about it. 

AHhh. No, I don't. It's after school, and the pool is really busy. I'll get my frustration out by tapping really loudly on my computer. I might go sit outside in the fresh air while working on this lab report. 2000 words due on Friday next week. @Blackbird11 

I'm so sorry @Blackbird11 I feel really bad. I'm not being very kind to you. I hope you're not annoyed with me. I just feel like "the pieces fall" TS. I'm literally listening to it now. I feel like I'm falling into pieces. 

[Blackbird11]

Yes, there is likely overwhelment from discussing deep topics @Birdofparadise8 

It's important to practice self-care after deep work.

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=B2Tm9F3L6O4&si=M1dQXW4D0tQLvOmu

[Birdofparadise8]

That's a good song @Blackbird11 

Am I annoying you?

Oh, you must have your class now. 

Well, I hope to talk later tonight if you're around. Enjoy your class. 

Thank you for being here with me today. You truly don't know how much it means to me. 

[Blackbird11]

You're definitely NOT annoying @Birdofparadise8 

I'll be about later, just logging on now.

Take care, talk soon.