Not Coping

[Birdofparadise8]

Thank you for saying that @Former-Member 

Yes, it really does.

That would be great.

I don't want to feel like this. I want to enjoy things in life. 

I don't know why my mind is going down this dark path. My psych won't be pleased. Neither will KHL. 

I'm such a disappointment. 

[Former-Member]

Its ok, youre worth it - and more than happy to sit with you @Birdofparadise8  xx

I do understand why you wouldn't want to be feeling like this and wanting to enjoy life instead xx

I dont know why your mind is going in this direction either, dearest, however youre not alone right now, and you'll be chatting with KHL soon, able to hear a voice and let them know how you are feeling if you would like to  xx

I know you may feel like a disappointment at the moment, however I definitely do not see you that way... I see you as a person with lots of potential, who has been though some pretty hard times, and is just very tired of having to go through the difficulties of recovering from that, and moving into a new stage of life xx 🙂

[Former-Member]

Ah, makes sense @Shaz51  xx

I hope things go smoothly in July when you get to have a chat with her and the dialysis team... I totally understand that she wants to delay it as long as possible, too. 

Please take the best of care, and do feel free to update what's happening whenever you'd like to xx 🙂 

[Birdofparadise8]

Thank you for sitting with me. 

Yeah, I will, but I feel I'll disappoint her. 

You truly are so kind. I wish I had someone like you in my face-to-face life. 

I still feel like I'm not worth anything at the moment. 

I think being more alone over easter has made things worse. 

@Former-Member 

I feel so bad; I'm so sorry. I hope you don't hate me. I hate myself; I wouldn't blame you if you did. I feel so guilty right now. I don't know why everything is crumbling. I feel like I'm in the pool (reference from the other day). Ahhh 😩😭😢

[Former-Member]

no worries at all @Birdofparadise8  xx

Gently, one thing: the KHL support person is there to support you, not to judge you, sweetness... ok? 🙂

Aw, that is really kind of you, and you have the next best thing with us chatting here on the forums 🙂

Try not to worry too deeply about not feeling value or worthy right now - being in a down moment tends to feel like that. I still hold value for you, and will gently remind you of your worth: you are a great young person with lots of potential 🙂 xx

Hey, I gently want to ask you a question.. I wondered if there is a difference between hating the feelings you have going on right now, and where youve said you hate yourself, dearest? Because a while back, I realised I hated the feelings I was having around depression and anxiety, and it wasn't actually hate for myself... I wonder if you have considered that before? All said with gentleness and kindness Birdofparadise8 🙂

[Birdofparadise8]

I hate both my depression and myself @Former-Member 

Yeah, I know she is. 

Yes, I truly do. You're amazing. 

[Former-Member]

Yes, I do understand @Birdofparadise8 💜

Maybe if you'd like to add this (having the feelings of depression while having feelings of hate about yourself) to the list of things to chat with your psych about - what do you think? I think it might be a valuable topic to open up with him if you feel comfortable to do so 🙂 xx

Thank you 🙂 xx

Ok, I hope your call goes well, and you can get some peace from these intense feelings after speaking to KHL xx 

[Birdofparadise8]

We have talked about how I hate myself before @Former-Member 

But thank you. 

I think my list is getting pretty long. 

I'm just waiting for her to call me. 

Will you be around in an hour? 

[Former-Member]

no worries @Birdofparadise8  xx

I understand, and I hope you didn't mind I mentioned it 🙂

I think having a long list shows that youre interested in getting things worked through 🙂 xx

I hope the call goes well for you.

Tonight, I dont think I will have the opportunity to be back on the forum, as I have a really early start tomorrow morning (up at 5am for a doc appointment), however if you would like to tag me anytime, I will get back tomorrow once I am back from the hospital 🙂

I will be definitely back tomorrow, and I want you to remember that I really enjoy chatting with you 🙂 xx

[Birdofparadise8]

All good @Former-Member 

I hope you have a good night.