My Mosaic

[Bow]

thanks @Emelia8 

im having to start a fresh with a new psychologist now and not until mid march. it has devastated me. i really connected with her and she was a chrisitan, which was important to me, especially in processing some of the things that i wanted with her. maybe once i am more stable and not presenting so acutely, she will take me back on? but im not sure. i feel deeply hurt by how she has handled this and leaving me without anything for a month. 

thank you for sharing some of your journey too. i know its not easy to talk about this stuff and i am sorry that you kept it to yourself for so very long. shame really does keep us quiet. not sure if i have shared here, but i experience childhood abuse too and was again sexually assaulted in my early 20's. i didnt talk about it with anyone for a long time, it was actually the assault in my 20's and me making a serious suicide attempt that made me start talking. with some pretty intense support, i was able to work through and process alot of that, but this recent incident has triggered alot for me. i am yet to tell anyone irl except my gp and now old psych. i have though, been able to talk to some folks online at 1800respect and then they told me about nswrapecrisis service. they both have a chat option and have been incredible helpful the last week. 

you are a gem @Emelia8  i hope you know how loved you are

[Bow]

got myself into quite a state this afternoon after my gp appointment today. she again asked if i was ready to talk about what happened. i wanted to. i look at her and wanted to talk about it, but instead shook my head. came home and fell in a heap.

struggling with some intense thoughts now, ive sh already and continuing to fight the constant urges. if only my psych and not cancelled on me. 

[Former-Member]

Hey @Bow 

I'm sorry to hear that things today haven't gone well. Great work on continuing to fight those SH urges, though ⭐️Hopefully the urges will wane after some time. 

I'm mindful of your wellbeing in this difficult time so I will send you an email to check in 

[Bow]

Some times there are no words for what is inside

Trauma steals your voice

You don’t know how to express the brokenness within

Other than with a k***e

Shame and guilt locks you away in a pain filled cage

Sinking further away from reality

Overwhelmed with a sense of powerlessness

Longing for some sort of control

Unhealthy coping mechanisms is all you have got

Disconnected and misunderstood

There is no freedom or escape

For inside she cries silent tears

[Bow]

i wisht there was a way to make the vivid images stop and go away. so many triggers around me at the moment, some so stupid and small, but send me into an intense downward spiral with no way out. i feel so alone, i now have absoluterly noone to talk to about all of this. i am angry. i am hurting. i am exhausted, tired of facing this battle day in and day out. why even bother anymore. messages from the ex today, apparently she misses him and gets upset. she will be fine without me. 

[Emelia8]

Ohhhh @Bow 😔💔

I wish I knew how to help. I wish I was in a better frame of mind personally, to think straight. But one thing in your post comes across very glaringly obvious. Your sweet precious little 5yo daughter definitely needs you Bow. And there is definitely no question at all that she is much better off with you in her life. She loves her mum and would be completely heartbroken if you were suddenly not there. Take no heed of what your ex is telling you. You know from experience that he cannot be trusted.

I would like to sit with you for a while, if thats okay?

Emelia 💝

[Bow]

id like that @Emelia8 thank you. 

ive not made good choices tonight. i keep zoning out and losing time, its freaking me out a bit. needed to come back to the now.

[outlander]

hey @Bow i thought id responded but i think my internet dropped out as i was posting so lost it all.
for now ill just send some love. i know those emotions and thoughts are really hard to manage but your needed and wanted we all love you here xox

[Emelia8]

Yes definitely @Bow ... its important that you try to remain grounded and present.

Can you make yourself a hot cuppa? And just practice some mindfulness and grounding exercises. For example ... feel the heat on your hands from holding the cup, smell the aroma as the steam wafts to your nostrils, really taste the liquid as it passes over your tongue, hear the splash of water as you pour hot water into your cup, see and really notice the colour of the liquid and the picture on the mug.

Emelia 💞

[Bow]

i dont think i could stomach anything.

im getting sleepy and strugling to stay awake so will go to bed i think.

thank you em and otlander