My Mosaic

[Bow]

Yeah maybe I should just be brave and give my CM a call tomorrow and ask for a couple of phone calls over the weekend @Snowie 

I get calls from the organization my SW is with. But I don’t know who is on over the weekend and I don’t feel comfortable talking with them all, especially the guys. 

tomorrow my D has zone cross country. It’s local. So I will drop her off in the morning and then go back for her race. That’s about it. My SW will also call. 

[Snowie]

Sometimes making that 'call' can be so frightening @Bow Admitting that we need that extra help. Sometimes it is also the most courageous thing we can do.

I hope D goes well with her cross country. I'm sure she will love you being there.

[Bow]

Yep making those calls is so freaking hard @Snowie  i wish I had my CM’s mobile. I had my old ones. And I have my SW. it just makes it that much easier when things are hard. But I can hear my CM saying that I need to practice using my voice. She is like that. Always telling me how capable I am, it frustrates me. Cause when things are not ok, I am far from capable of certain things. There was a lot of that in our phone call tonight. Sometimes it feels dismissive. 

D was excited when I told her that I was going to come and watch her. My mum is coming too. 
I loved cross country when I was at school. I made it to state level a few times. It was really cross country, like through the bush, mud, creeks. 

im sorry, how are you?

[Snowie]

That voice can be so strong and loud within us @Bow, yet can be such a struggle to get the words out. Sometimes it is so much easier just to say 'I'm ok". 

Glad D is excited. Maybe she will take after her mum.

I going ok thanks. Spent half the day at the hospital with mum, she had to get a few scans done. The one's where they inject you with stuff, sit around for ages and then have the 5 min scan!! Luckily I took a book and had my phone to keep me company.

Almost time for bed here.

[Bow]

Yeah I am waiting for survivor to be over and then I am going to bed @Snowie  they always drag the end of the episode out so much. I’m mentally and emotionally so drained. 

and I think I’m seeing a bit of a pattern. When I having these challenging appointments…. Pdoc and psych…. I find that my shoulders and neck are really sore the next day…. I sit through these appointments holding so much tension there…. 

[Snowie]

Sorry @Bow fell asleep.

I really hope you got some sleep last night.

I do think we hold a lot of tension in our bodies. My psych is always on me about walking the stress away. If only it was that easy. 

I hope you are able to connect with your SW or CM today hon and let them know how you are going and how the extra support would help.

[Bow]

Hey @Snowie  i fell asleep not long after too! I had another rough night, it’s exhausting constantly waking up during the night. 

My SW is in training today. She said she’d call me this afternoon. I should probably call my CM…. But it’s feeling like such a huge task. 

D has finished at the cross country. She did so well. Finishing 25th out of over 140 runners. It was a long course! She’s home now. Early start to the weekend. 

how are you?

[Snowie]

Well done to your D @Bow that is a massive achievement. I'm sure she was happy not having to go back to school afterwards!

Maybe a call to your CM is needed hon. I can always stay here with you whilst you call her and try and talk to her.

I'm ok, onto my second lot of prn for the day.  I've gotten some things done today so thats a plus.

[Bow]

I called my CM @Snowie she was on another call so left a message for her to call me back. 
In the meantime my SW called me. Did our usual check ins and then I explained that I spoke with my CM last night and felt that it would be helpful and a good idea to have someone from the team to call me tomorrow. She agreed. I told her I left a message for my CM to call me back. She said that she would also email my CM. 
Then my CM did call me back and i said that I am struggling a lot and felt a call tomorrow would be helpful and supportive, it was then like I had to justify why I needed that call. It annoyed me. She said that she believes that I will be fine over the weekend. 😩😩 I was nearly gonna hang up on her I was that annoyed and frustrated. It’s hard enough to reach out and admit that things are hard. 

[Snowie]

Well done for at least calling her and telling her how you are going @Bow I know how hard that was for you in the first place.

Hopefully they listen to your SW and someone can check in on you on the weekend.

Have you got anything planned at all for the weekend?