My Mosaic

[lavenderhaze]

Oh @Bow I am sorry to hear that it was rough

I guess sometimes being honest is not easy and takes time

What do you see the sessions as, what space does it offer you?

[Bow]

I don’t know @lavenderhaze  it will be a space to continue the work that i do in my new group.  But that’s just beginning. 
and I guess there will always be the space to check in around my safety. But that’s a waste of time if I can’t be honest with her. Or anyone.

im in such a terrible space right now. I talked with my SW but couldn’t say much to her either. 

[Jynx]

@Bow hey hun, sorry to hear it was another rough day today. I am wondering if the reason it's so hard to be honest is because things really are getting worse? And so to admit that might mean things will change in response - i.e. you might be encouraged to think about an admission, for instance. Or perhaps the fact that an admission could be the response, and one that feels quite undesirable, means it's more difficult to want to be open. 

Sounds like a lot of internal conflict for you hun, it's no wonder you're having a rough arvo. 

[Bow]

Quite potentially that is very much how things are @Jynx  i know things are getting worse. My thoughts are really bad. What I want to do and when and all that stuff. I am terrified of them all finding out and taking the exit route away from me. I have this weird sense of safety knowing that is there. I don’t want people to take it from me. I know things are getting worse, darker, spiral is coming to the bottom. 

I don’t want an admission cause it doesn’t change anything. I just get out again, nothing has changed and I’m just dumped back into this shit of existence. 

Just so done @Jynx  im tired. 

you can just delete all of this. It doesn’t matter

[Jynx]

@Bow all very understandable thoughts hun. Sense of agency is so important, particularly for folks who live with complex trauma.

And I know an admission is not going to fix everything, not going to take the pain away, not going to be some magical revolutionary change. I totally get it. What might be worth reflecting on is how things have gone in the past - same deal, it's no magical fix, but it does seem to act like a circuit-breaker for you. 

[Bow]

No point @Jynx
Don’t care no more

[Jynx]

@Bow I can hear how truly low you're feeling, how hopeless it feels hun. If you feel you're at the bottom of the spiral, and things really are this dark, I'd encourage chatting to a crisis service. I know you're not fond of the process, but you don't deserve to be alone in this. 

[Bow]

I seen my pdoc again this morning. I’ve been seeing him weekly for a while now and I’m booked to see him again next week. Last week he reduced one of my antidepressant cause it can increase blood pressure, and with starting a stimulant which can also increase blood pressure he was being extra cautious. He put my antidepressant back up today and increased the stimulant. I’ll keep an eye on my bp at home. My ED probably reduces my bp so they probably all counteract each other. 
My pdoc said he is feeling positive we are heading in the right direction. I’m just tired and frustrated and not at all positive. Feel like I’m at the lowest of lows at the bottom.
Not going to hang around, I have nothing to give and don’t feel I can guarantee anything. 

[lavenderhaze]

Hi @Bow 

I can hear how low you're feeling and how tired you are

You definitely have lots more to give, even if you don't believe that right now

The whole community here values you so much

[Snowie]

@Bow 💗💗