Muriel

[EM26]

As Muriel said "Do you ever think you're nothing?" I often think I am nothing, I cant afford my psychologist at the moment so have had to cancel past 2 appointments, my gp is on leave so cant talk to him like I would normally do twice a week, at home my adult kids are too busy and I even had a conversation with them about how much it hurts that they never say they love me even if I say it first and they laughed, thought I was being funny. Hubby doesnt know what to say and we basically live in separate halves of the house. Work is just issue after issue amongst staff. I really didnt think life was going to be this hard and now I feel there is nothing for me and I am a nothing, not needed, not loved, alone and lonely. I am hoping my gp returns soon cos not sure where I will find myself if I cant find someone to listen. I need a good ear, some good advice and some help. I think about stopping my meds just to make it all easier.

Just needed a vent and to get some thoughts out of my head, this seemed like the best place to do it.

Any thoughts or ideas to get me through this would be appreciated

Thanks for listening (reading)

[Eve7]

That all sounds really tough @EM26 and I regret to say that I can relate to most of it.

years ago I was in Barcelona during the Olympic Games sleeping in the floor of a school (cheap accommodation) and where I slept was right near several telephones, prior to everyone having a mobile.

Due to the time difference and the number of people ringing overseas I was privy to many interesting conversations. 

Whenever the Americans phoned home they would always tell their families how much they loved them. People from other countries rarely did and I remember feeling quite touched by the love being communicated. When we were out with a group one day I asked a girl from Norway if she thought much of how Americans spoke and she said her parents had never told her they loved her but she never doubted they did.

I’m sure your family all love you and it’s hard when our adult kids don’t tell us they love us. You are not a nothing and you’re not Muriel but  I hear your pain. It’s hard being a mum / wife and it can be ver thankless at times.

Here to support you 💚

[CrazyChick]

Hi @EM26

Thanks for you post. I hope it helps you to vent and reach out for support on the forum. 

I understand what it is like to struggle to afford services and feel lost when someone you rely on is away. I try to develop a network of supports to be able to call on for help. I now have a range of people, services and things to do if I am struggling, so I am not so reliant on just one. Some community organisations such as Centacare, Anglicare can offer support. And there are peer support networks in some areas or online.

It sounds like your GP is a really great support for you. When they come back let them know that you are looking at developing your network of supports including for when he is away, or not available. Let him know about not being able to afford your psychologist at the moment - and ask for suggestions of more affordable options. 

Please check with your GP before stopping or changing any meds to make sure it is suitable for you and doesn't make things worse.

Don't be afraid to call helplines for a friendly ear. It doesn't have to be a major crisis to seek support, they can talk with you anytime you need support. And if you try one and it doesn't help, try a different one or call again to get someone different:

SANE Help Centre: 1800 187 263 (Monday - Friday, 10am-10pm)

Beyond Blue: 1300 22 4636 (24/7)

Lifeline: 13 11 14 (24/7)

Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467 (24/7)

Please feel free to vent about the things that are worrying you. I don't have children, but from what others have said it seems young adults aren't usually good at telling family they love them, but usually they do, even if it is not easy to see. If they aren't comfortable with verbally affirming their love for you, maybe you could explore other ways to express and receive love, such as spending meaningful time with each other, or doing nice things for each other (see 5 love languages). It sounds like you aren't valued at work either. So I understand why you may be feeling unloved and lonely. Do you have some friends or family who you can enjoy some time with or a phonecall?

[Anna53]

Hi, I have depression and other than the normal logical reasons that come to my mind, my 30 year marriage is a mess, I don’t go out as I’m a non drinker and don’t like being with lots of people, I have money worries constantly. Especially with a husband that doesn’t like to support me and because I care for my mum, I know a joke considering I’m the one that thinks of ending my life. I do have three adult daughters with one and her husband and two year old living here while building. I live in a shitty rental. I have two other grandsons and I love my boys but and there it starts. I have no energy and just want to sleep when I’m home, I cry at nothing and everything. I’m sad every day and wonder why people like my half sister who died of cancer at 42 with everything going for her, passes away and I live even though I don’t want too but am too gutless to do anything about it. My life has been a roller coaster but so have many other peoples and they pull through. I’ve never felt so tired, do others feel like this? I’m on anti depressants but if this is me on them then off them would be hell. One thing I have is an incredible bond with my eldest grandson who is only 3 1/2 and waits for me and tells me he loves me. Leaving him scaresend that he’d be hurt. It’s all circles. I’ve never done anything like reach out like this before so I’m sorry if this isn’t the right way. I wake with my heart racing and like im really scared. I thought my life would be so different to what it is and I see other people happy and in love and wonder where this all began. I know guilt is another issue I have. I been to see a therapist but found it useless. Please someone say they’ve been here and any ideas I would be so grateful for, every day is like going to war. I look at other people and wonder how they do this day in and out. I look like a normal person on the outside and on the inside I feel like a mess. I have two animals I love, my dog who at 11 has just had surgery for cancer and a 9 year old horse. My horse is my escape, on him I don’t think of anything but us. I was estranged from my alcoholic father for 20 years, I would send 3 cards a year but never rung him, he was a diabetic and at 68 passed away from a heart attack, no one had any idea anything was wrong with his heart. I deal with guilt every day about not making that call. As you can probably tell by my writing everything is in circles. My head and heart just race and don’t stop. I want to feel better but I don’t know how or how to keep my head up.

[LookingHopeful]

Hi @EM26 , we are supporting you ❤️

And lovely to read the support from @CrazyChick @Eve7 

I too feel, unfortunately, I can relate to a lot of what you are going through. 

Sending love and support, and an ear to listen

[LookingHopeful]

Hi @Anna53 sorry to hear you are having a tough time.

I too hope you find support in some of the suggestions in @CrazyChick post. Perhaps a call line would be able to lend a supportive ear. 

I have found a great distraction and helpful posts in these forums, even if I am not searching for anything in particular I like to read others comments. 

We are hear for you ❤️

[Eve7]

Hi @Anna53  and welcome to the forums.

I think there are people here who can relate to what you say.

I was married for 34 years and during that time we had lots of struggles . Just when we started to get our sh#t together my h died and left me alone. 
I thought we’d have a happy retirement travelling around together but my life has been very different to what I envisioned.

I have found lots of support on these forums and hopefully that will be your experience.

When I’ve been close to ending my life it’s been the love of my grandchildren that has kept me going. I’m fact one night watching Emergency with gd1 she turned to me and said “Ma, you’re going to be eternal!” That statement made my night and so I treasure that inside.

I really hope you can connect with a therapist soon and learn some self care strategies.

You are very important and precious.

A little forum tip if you put @ a list of names will pop up and you address forum members that way ensuring they receive a notification.

💙💚💙

[Former-Member]

Hi @Anna53, 

I'm one of the SANE moderators.

Welcome to the forums and thanks for sharing your experiences with us. While your journey is unique, you are definitely not alone in feeling hopeless, overwhelmed, stuck and anxious. You'll find many peers in this community who support each other by holding space, socially connecting, and giving advice/tips (I'm glad to see a couple of supportive replies).

Finding the right therapist who can meet you where you are in your journey is also challenging. I've met many along my journey. Anna53, if you would like some one-to-one professional counselling you are welcome to call our Help Centre on 1800 187 263 (Mon-Fri, 10am-10pm), or chat via sane.org

Hope to see you around,

Sphinxly 🧡

P.S. I'm going to send you a private email shorty with more details 🙂 

[Zoe7]

@Anna53 Absolutely been in a similar position where everyday is torture and suicide constantly on my mind. It took nearly two years to find the right medication and doses to begin to help. Seeing a psychologist for me ended up increasing my trauma so my GP stopped that. I did however have incredible support from my GP and pdoc ...and from the members, counsellors and staff here at SANE. Every day they would collectively pull me through, hold me up and encourage me to keep just getting through the day ...this went on for months 😔 The turning point for me was not a sudden change but a gradual (and slow) improvement with both medication and all that support. Again - that took months. I am not saying that to deter you but to show it is never easy and never a quick fix. Here though we understand that the smallest of improvements in any aspect of our lives is in-fact a major thing and we can celebrate those together. Just getting up some days is that improvement ...on other days it is finding that joy you can when with your grandson. Hold onto those things that do bring that joy because they do matter.

I would strongly encourage you to reach out to the counsellors here at SANE and/or to our Peer Workers - they are an amazing bunch that have their own lived experience, are very empathetic and can also help you access other services that may be of help.

I can say 'don't give up' but I do know when you are feeling this way that means very little - so instead I am going to hold onto hope for you and say reach out here when you need ...that is what this community does so well - be here for others, listen and hold each other up - and you are part of this community so you have our support 💖

[Historylover]

I'm going through a tough time at the moment too, @EM26. I wish I could meet you and have a coffee or Twinings. I'd love to talk with you, listen to each other, and if we're lucky have a laugh together. And alternate between your place and mine. If only. Sometimes a listening, understanding ear and support is all we need. Sending best wishes to you.