Lived Experience Forum

[Daisydukes]

I’m 6 weeks free of drugs & alcohol. For this I am satisfied with myself. I can see things clearly, I feel physically better and I’m coping better (I also had my first DBT therapy session!) BUT of course in this journey to recovery life has handed me a new set of obstacles to get through. I want to talk about them, I want to scream them at people, I want help, I want professional advice, I want this to go away BUT alas, of course, I can not. I can not for it is danger big serious dangerous danger.

Some people love living in danger and unfortunately my unfortunate & naive 18 year old self was still in her ‘bad boys are cute’ phase and had a baby with a very warped man who at that time was 26. She didn’t know herself yet, she didn’t know that she would grow up to love finding random pink flowers or that her heart would want to help people, she didn’t know that she wasn’t grown up and she didn’t know that having a baby with this man was going to bring her much pain and she didn’t know that this man was NOT a good person she couldn’t see that this man was not like her, this man was not going through his teen years finding himself, this man was not like her, this man IS a bad person, an empty and destructive bad person who craves a horrible lifestyle. This person surely to die sooner rather than later.

If only I could tell her what I now know. He is dangerous and he is bringing everyone around him down with him through his selfishness, greed and messed up morals. Meeting him was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Yes, I am a strong as hell woman because of it but I DON’T WANT HIM IN MY LIFE, I DON’T WANT HIM AROUND MY SON. He has broken my heart in so many different ways for 4 years now. We haven’t been together for that time and I definitely do not love him, he has just broken everything over and over again, I have struggled through his crazy antics over and over. I can not do this any more he is going to get killed and my poor son has been through enough. Where do I find mental clarity when this black hole is still in my life

[utopia]

@Daisydukes. Congratulations on six weeks drug and alcohol free. A great achievement.
This man does sound very destructive.
I wonder if this man is still in his son's life. Does he see his son? If not, it may be easier to avoid him.
Keep reminding yourself that you like helping people and you love surprise pink flowers. That you are nothing like him. And that your life is starting all over again. Fresh. New.
Make your life how you want it to be.
Don't let anyone drag you down.

[CheerBear]

Hi @Daisydukes. It's good to see you again.

I am sorry to hear that you are experiencing what you are. I had a baby when I was fairly young with someone who was not the right person for me to have children with. It has caused me ongoing hurdles for a long time and it makes things very hard sometimes. It's hard to look back and wish I could tell my younger self what I know now.

Like you, I too found it a huge struggle to find mental clarity with such darkness in my life. I have found it very difficult to be connected to someone who is so wrong for me through my kids who are so right for me.

I found it incredibly scary to talk about all sorts of different things that had happened and that I had experienced. I said "I can't" (lots) too. It took for me to find someone I really trusted before I came out with a lot of it.

If you're feeling like things are dangerous and it involves you, your son and/or your son's father, calling 1800 RESPECT or contacting Relationships Australia may help. I'm not sure if that is something you'd consider or is something that is relevant for you but I wanted to mention it as I found it helpful to know there was somewhere to turn for support to work through our relationship. You're not alone and there is support out there.

Being six weeks free from drugs and alcohol is an awesome achievement and feeling better physically and thinking more clearly because of that will hopefully really help you through the challenges you face. Keep talking here if it helps too.

[Lunar]

Hello @Daisydukes

I have not yet met you before, it is lovely meeting you and thank you for sharing some of your experiences.

I can't imagine how difficult things are for you at the moment with feeling like you are in a black hole even though you have done some incredibly difficult things to help look after yourself. Being 6 weeks drug and alcohol free is such a difficult thing to do, well done and you are also reaching out for support through the forums and other support to support you through this black hole that is weighing you down.

There are some other members with threads that discuss drug and alcohol use that might help to read through and connect with if you like, @Bubbles3 has a great thread called 'Any recovering alcoholic in the forum'

Please keep reaching out,

Lunar