Lived Experience Forum

[Emmabentley]

Don’t know why I keep attracting them. Starting with my Dad. 
can I actually speak to anyone or is this a purely text thing? If so, doesn’t help anyone like me. Would like to talk to actual people.

[TuxedoCat]

Hi @Emmabentley Welcome to the forums ❤️ 

Thank you for sharing this bit of your story with us. The forums here are just text based, but we also have a phone line to call if you prefer that? 

The phone number is 1800 187 263 or you can visit this webpage too

Welcome again, and I look forward to getting to know you ❤️ 

TuxedoCat

[Gwynn]

I’ve heard that it’s not that you necessarily attract abusive men, they try that shit on everyone.

[pjc1965]

Well yes my dad was abusive. 11 years every two weeks which lead to problems for me in adulthood. I've read many times that women who've had an abusive father are attracted to abusive men? This one's for a professional psych or someone. I didn't become abusive but had secret addictions.  My brain needed a rush. I ended up in prison. Lies were told so I got 7 years instead if 2 because of my honesty. Enough about me. See you doctor and get a plan so you get some free psychology sessions. I got 20. But after 4 or 6 have to go back to GP to get more. Something from your past is causing this I'd say

@Emmabentley 

[pjc1965]

Sorry for late response. My response had to be edited

Get yourself some professional help

 See your gp and get a plan for free psychology sessions before dating again is what I'd recommend. @Emmabentley 

[JAN5]

TW: Assault

After I escaped from 7 1/2 years of violence and got educated about it all, during my counselling, I couldn’t figure out how I had gotten there when I had no history or even family history of domestic violence, I didn’t even know it had a name,! I just couldn’t grasp it. I was smart, from a good home. It didn’t make sense. Then about a year ago I had a buried memory break the surface. I was sexually assaulted in a public swimming pool at age 11. I’d buried it so deep, I had no idea. Then it all made sense. I had never told anyone cause I thought I’d get into trouble and I blamed myself for it happening. So my sense of worth and guilt made me a sitting duck for a guy like that. And when I looked more closely, all of my relationships had the guy in charge and me just people pleasing 100%. And they all cheated. It’s so important to save children from this kind of life, I could get pretty down about the years and heartache and the rest and I guess I do now and.then. But mostly I want to finally live my life on my terms. I’m pretty damaged but I could be a lot worse. I will never stop fighting to get better.

[Emmabentley]

Gosh, you have just described me. Never told anyone until he died and then my brain remembered everything that I had mentally packed away and ever since I fight so hard to stay alive that I am finally getting so tired.

[Emmabentley]

Sorry I don’t know if is my phone or this website, but can’t scroll down and read entire messages. So sorry if my responses don’t seem fully relevant.
I have called life line for the 5th time today. I know that I have to fix myself for my children and as my ex husband says I wrap them up in cotton wool and I just need to let them grow up; but I don’t think that is true; they are only 9 and 13. It is my job to make sure they never go through this and one I am very happy to do. Trouble is I am 48 now divorced after 27 years and apart from my children, totally alone, because all my family are in the UK. You know when you would just like someone to make you a cup of tea and watch a film with you and there is no one and then you end up thinking too much about all the pain? And then hate yourself for it? And then feel angry all at the same time that no one has made you a cup of tea or even poured a glass of water for the last 27 years. Sorry, I know that sounds self serving. Bad day.

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @JAN5,

Thank you for sharing your lived experience with us. I'm sorry to read you have gone through such a tough violent experience - your bravery to get out and seek help is something I really respect.

I'm also sorry to read what happened to you when you were 11 years old. What a terrible thing to have gone through, particularly at such a young age. It must of been so confusing and confronting. I really feel for you that you never felt you could tell anyone because you didn't want to get in trouble and felt ashamed. Such big feelings to live with alone for so long. I'm glad you went to counselling and you have been able to reflect and hopefully process and untangle what you have gone through.

I find it interesting when we connect the dots of our life how somethings make so much more sense in hindsight. I have found around my own lived experience - my behaviours, thoughts, feelings, etc. when related back to my past start to make a lot more sense.

It's great to read you want to live on your own terms now and you will never stop fighting to get better. You are inspiring and I think through sharing your story on the Forums you will probably help a lot of people.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather

[underthebee]

Hi @Emmabentley That does sound like a really rough day, I'm sitting with you for sure and want to offer my support. There must be a lot going on for you right now to be calling Lifeline so often, has reaching out to them been helpful?