Lived Experience Forum

[Heavenbound]

I keep trying to get out of this deep dark hole but getting nowhere. I have so many questions about everything. I have only recently found out I have BPD, along with PTSD which comes from my back injury and chronic pain. I suffer from anxiety and clinical depression also due to constant pain. I have been on the same medication for many yrs to treat the depression which hasn't worked and I'm afraid to change to something else as the wait for it to work could drive me to do something bad. I am so agitated and angry most of the time. I am now finding that I don't care about anything and I'm scared that I will blow a fuse next time I see my GP as he never seems to have time for any more than one thing at a time. I always said I was glad I only had depression but little did I know and now it's raising its ugly head full on. My daughter is a nurse and working long hours but she picks up on my mental status straight away and tells me gee mum your angry, but that seems normal for me now. I feel like I want to run away but don't know what I may do, I'm scared of what the future holds. I hope that what I am saying here makes sense as my head is very messy. I want to cry all the time, curl up in a ball and just stay there. Sorry to vent all this to you lovely people who all deserve to be happy. I could write a book on my life that is full of horrible stuff but I haven't got the energy to do that right now. God Bless 

[DeeDee2]

Hello Heavenbound. I really understand. I REALLY understand. I cried every day all day for 3 years. I know how frightening it is to go off your meds. I was told by me wonderful GP it may be time for a change but when he saw the look on my face, he decided against it. I have anger issues as well. I get so mad when I ruminate about at all the horrible people who made my life miserable, which is most of the time, and feel cheated because they are all out there having a wonderful life. I had to go out today to pay some bills. When I got in the car to return home, a very short trip, i had a huge panic attack and was shaking for what felt like a lifetime. January of last year I really had a bad panic attack where everything went black and I fell over. When I woke up I had to get an ambulance to take me to hospital where it showed that I had broken 9 bones in my left foot. Spent a week in hospital, had to wear a moon boot for 5 months and had crutches. It was a week of over 40 degrees and I had to sleep with it on. Moral of this story.......if you feel a panic attack coming either sit down or hang onto something. Just anoter day on Mental Health paradise island. The only island that accepts people who have the same issues.

[Heavenbound]

Hi DeeDee2, I feel so sad for you going through all that but at the same time, I so so understand you. Panic attacks seem to be different from one person to another and they are all horrible. What you said about feeling cheated while the perpetrators are enjoying their lives. I hope never to have a panic attack like you did that was just so bad and caused so much damage. I will remember though to hang on to something as I get dizzy and feel like passing out. You mad me smile by saying another day on Mental Health Paradise Island lol....any smiles at the moment are worshipped so thank you. So glad we all understand each other on here. 
 

[Pebbles]

Hi there @Heavenbound and @DeeDee2 just flagging this post for you both so you can keep discussing 🙂

@DeeDee2 I'm not sure if you are aware but if you use the @ button and click on the members name then that person will be notified that you are mentioning them. Hope this makes sense 🙂

[DeeDee2]

Hello again. Firstly thank you @Pebbles for the information regarding the @ symbol. I had no idea. I guess when you are 3 years old you know what it's all about but at 65 years old you have trouble remembering why you walked into a room. To @Heavenbound I want to also thank you for your kind thoughts. The incident I mentioned about breaking 9 bones in my foot after a panic attack last January, I just thought about what happened later last year. I hadn't been feeling too well and put it down to depression. Later my care worker called a Locum in to check. I had a fever of 39 degrees and was told to get to a hospital immediately. Long story short, my gallbladder had a massive stone and the whole gallbladder had attached itself to my liver. The stone had put a hole in my liver and gallbladder. Nothing in my life is ever simple. I was in surgery for 5 hours and was told later that I had a one time  flatlined. I was kept in hospital for a week to keep an eye on the wounds. I think that what ever is the easy way out is only for people who are in complete control of their lives and then what ever is left over is left for people who really wish that their lives were better. We people on the Mental Health Paradise Island don't seem to have things run smoothly.  I mean who has heard of a ruptured gallbladder attached to the liver? Who ever I upset in a previous life is doing a fantastic job of making my life a misery. Karma. Well hello to everyone with me on the Island and I hope to hear from you when you are feeling up to it.

[DeeDee2]

Hello again. Firstly thank you Pebbles for the information regarding the @ symbol. I had no idea. I guess when you are 3 years old you know what it's all about but at 65 years old you have trouble remembering why you walked into a room. To @Heavenbound I want to also thank you for your kind thoughts. The incident I mentioned about breaking 9 bones in my foot after a panic attack last January, I just thought about what happened later last year. I hadn't been feeling too well and put it down to depression. Later my care worker called a Locum in to check. I had a fever of 39 degrees and was told to get to a hospital immediately. Long story short, my gallbladder had a massive stone and the whole gallbladder had attached itself to my liver. The stone had put a hole in my liver and gallbladder. Nothing in my life is ever simple. I was in surgery for 5 hours and was told later that I had a one time  flatlined. I was kept in hospital for a week to keep an eye on the wounds. I think that what ever is the easy way out is only for people who are in complete control of their lives and then what ever is left over is left for people who really wish that their lives were better. We people on the Mental Health Paradise Island don't seem to have things run smoothly.  I mean who has heard of a ruptured gallbladder attached to the liver? Who ever I upset in a previous life is doing a fantastic job of making my life a misery. Karma. Well hello to everyone with me on the Island and I hope to hear from you when you are feeling up to it.

[Heavenbound]

Hi there @Pebbles just want to thank you for sharing the at symbol 🙂 I never knew that it highlighted the person's name so they knew would be notified...AH, I am still learning at my age...Hugsss

[Heavenbound]

Good morning @DeeDee2 oh my gosh what a time you have had. I have had my gallbladder removed as I was having problems with it, but nothing compared to what you have been through. I'm am so glad you pulled through that ok... LOL another smile on my face with you saying about walking in a room and wondering what we are there for hahaha. It is strange that with what we have to put up with being on the island we still get more garbage to have to deal with. I often wonder if this my lot in life as I'm not enjoying it at present. Huge hugs to you and hope you have a good day. I need to go and process all those things that happened to you and yes I seem to have to process everything. Stay well. 

[DeeDee2]

Hello @Heavenbound. Once again it was good to hear from you. I picked one of Sane's id pictures because 1. I haven't got a clue how to download photos. 2.I refuse to have my photo taken because of all the self loathing that comes with having BPD AND 3. Vladimir Putin was born on the exact day and exact month and exact year as me. I really love sharing my birthday with a ruthless dictator. Actually I hate birthdays christmas and mothers days because even though I KNOW neither of my daughters are going to think about me, it hurts like hell when they don't. A real oxymoron. Keep safe and enjoy the peace of our Island where no one will judge us because we all sharing the same secrets.

[Bubbles3]

hi @DeeDee2

are you new the forums. its nice to meet you anyway. sorry to hear about all the trouble you have had. it must have been really hard.