Lived Experience Forum

[Jazzy1]

I spent 3 weeks in hospital in September due to severe depression & anxiety & self harm thoughts. I came out a new person putting the structure & techniques I learnt into real life. I stopped drinking took up a gym membership, ate healthy, went to bed at reasonable hour and lost 23 kgs.

The past couple of weeks I have been up & down again. Going okay & then going through another day tears & anxious. I am scared I'm going back into the black hole. I am just trying to keep one foot in front of the other & its 4 weeks till I see my psychiatrist. 

[marchhare]

It sounds as if you have a great deal of willpower and strength to put those stuctures and techniques in place before. With some support from here on the forum hopefully you can ride out those ups and downs.you are now going through.  Keep in touch please

[Former-Member]

hello @Jazzy1 @marchhare

I am not sure if I have met you before or not, hello regardless

Spending time in hospital in itself requires recovery time on release.

You also managed to put in place a physical fitness and weight loss programme.

You also were successful and able to see a result from all of your hard work.

How proud I hope you were.

Tired, a little drained perhaps as well now, understandably.

This is one of the difficult parts of having symptoms of depression and anxiety. We put in all the efforts which are far more draining for us, than someone else who does not experience these symptoms.

We also are doubling up on how hard we are on ourselves to achieve any set goals.

Someone without mental health symptoms setting out on such a programme often has setbacks, might even give up or at the very least feel annoyed with themselves.

You have other stuff on top as well as still recovering from hospital stay which apparently can take up to 6 months depending on the severity and symptoms. Plus you want to be better physically and mentally.

I know this all too well, have been doing this too myself for far too long. Not the weight loss but keeping up some level of fitness which I need to keep my mind fit. Struggling with life getting in the way on top.

I reached a point where I disassociated myself unknowingly. End result I am finally acknowedging this and accepting yes hospital is a safe place for me at the moment. Am waiting for a room at the inn.

Sorry about the length. I just want to show you that you are not alone. You are not going backwards. Your body and mind are telling you enough for now. Rest please. Time out or whatever words you use.

This is not slipping back, this is checking in on yourself and looking after yourself.

Make an appointment with your GP, preferably the one who referred you to your psychiatrist and explain what you are feeling at the moment.

If the GP is not helpful in that area, some aren't, ring Sane phone no 1800187263 and have a chat they will give you valuable time to express yourself. Also lifeline if your feelings are sinking lower.

I have done this recently. I do not know your feelings because we are all unique. However, I do know the feeling of being disappointed with myself and feeling that I have let myself down. Even though when feeling well and thinking rationally I realise that those thoughts could not be further from the truth. We can be our own worst enemies. We can also learn.

I am still learning, happy to invite you into my world of self exploring on here, where you only need to say as much as you want and are able to.

you will find strong support on here for the next 4 weeks leading up to your appointment.

Support will come in different styles, from different people, all with the common thread of compassion and confidentiality.

you have come to a safe place so your journey has started

keep writing

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Jazzy1,

How are you doing? I second both @marchhare and @Former-Member to do what you have done takes a lot of hard work - it shows that you have the skills to do it.

It's is very normal to start slipping back - I'm not sure many people 'get it right' the first time. There will be slips. It can be an opportunity to pick up on areas that might need some attention. Is there anything that may have triggered this?

Sometimes it can be something stressful, and sometimes it can also be because people start feeling good. Can you tell me if you've done in the past when you've felt yourself slipping back? 

@Former-Member might be able to provide some insights here. She has made some changes, and is working hard on making changes to stay well. She started this conversation here on goal setting and recovery. In this post both @utopia and @Kurra talk about how they make changes to stay well. I wonder if they might be able to add something here. 

[Kurra]

Congratulations on making such big changes in such a short period of time @Jazzy1.

I found that those slides backwards could teach me more about my own responses to daily life. I found keeping a detailed journal helped me to identify the little things that might be upsetting my mental health stability.

In my journal I noted:
What time I got up
Whether I showeted or not
What I ate for breakfast
What activities I undertook - vacuuming /shopping / work etc
Who I'd talked to and what we talked about
What I had for lunch if I had lunch
Whether I drank water/coffee/tea/soft drink etc

I'm sure you get the idea. Above all I noted down how ir where my moid was on a scale of 1 - 10. 10 being very good.

When I had done this for a couple of weeks I read back what I had journaled. This enabled me to see slight differences between the days prior to a slip and gave me clues as to the little things I might consider changing and which I did change.

I truly believe that this process has enabled me to lead a completely normal life without big fluctuations in my moid. I do take medication and will happily do so fo the rest of my life.

You clearly have the strength and determination to follow through with a laborious process to the one I have found enormously helpful. It may be worth trying something similar.

Good luck and take care 💕🎶

[Former-Member]

Hi @Jazzy1, welcome to the forums. You've done the right thing reaching out. I've been hospitalised in MH too and know that fear that you might end up back to square one. Facing all that again seems unbearable. But you know, that experience changed you, you are not the same person, you have more so much more awareness now, and understanding. I have no doubt even if you do lose some ground, you know what to do now and reaching out here is a good start. I was wondering if you have the support of a counsellor, a psychologist? I find them better at 'counselling' and therapies than psychiatrists, although there's a place for both in an individuals care, especially after an admission.
I'm not sure if youve had a spike is stress levels? Sometimes its hard to be in touch with. If you google Stress Scale you might find some things that cause stress you may not have been aware of. Also, one thing we often forget that causes stress is stress on the body - heat, illness, insomnia, hormones, dietary changes, toxins, poor diet, poor quality water, dehydration... and also, so many little things can all add up.
Have a check up with the GP and be gentle on yourself. Self-Compassion, get some rest.
PS, if you get time, I'd love to know how you lost 20kg?

[utopia]

@Jazzy1.
Like everyone else - I have to say a big congratulations on all your efforts and achievements.
Last year I also went to hospital for a month due to suicidal thoughts. My depression and anxiety were out of control.
I did every group that was offered in hospital and followed up that therapy with my psychologist weekly. As well as skyping my psychiatrist. I did the hard yards and like you have just had an about turn with my mental health and my confidence. Except the exercise and weight loss. I'm not perfect. Lol.
I started getting new interest. Made new friends. Joined groups.
But about 2 weeks ago my mood really dropped. I struggled to avoid the vortex of depression. Not successful.
I then started using phrases like 'why me?. 'Why do I have to have MI? ' This is now my life. I'll always be like this'.
I'm sure you know what I mean. Previous to this I was really good at removing (most) negative self talk. And then - boom - it was back.
Fear! Oh wow. That feeling came back so strong. The terror.
I saw my psychologist - who reminded me, I already had the tools to deal with this.
He noted that I'd fallen back into old habits with this episode - of avoiding and isolating myself from people. That always makes me worse.
So I got back on this forum and on my Facebook. And I texted friends and simply said I'm not in a good place mentally. That really helped. Because then I got friends just checking I'm ok. Popping in for a coffes for ten minutes. And sending messages of love.
That support was just enough to push me to reach out and start using my coping techniques. Then I got out of bed. Sat in the garden. Read a book. Nothing big. Just little steps. Then on Saturday I went to the movies. On my own - bec I didn't want to get caught having to talk with others. I just wanted to do something nice for me.
So - self love. Have a bath or long shower. Sit outside and listen to the birds sing. Listen to some of your favorite music. Go for a walk around the neighborhood. Not to exercise - unless you feel like it - but a stroll and look at peoples gardens. Notice what plants you like. Notice any perfumes you like on the flowers? Just be gentle with yourself.
I understand you may be scared you will go back to where you once were - but chances are - you won't. Yes your depression has hit. But most likely it won't be a long depressive episode.
Unfortunately you may experience further episodes of depression in your lifetime - but the more we use our coping techniques and modify them as needed - the shorter these episodes will be and the longer the period of good health between episodes.
My depression this time lasted a little over a week. Last time it was over 3 months.
It's hard to do when in the grip of depression - but try to remember - that this is temporary. It won't last forever.
With the work you have done last year and by reaching out here so quickly - I really think you can knock this depression episode on its heas soon. You are strong.

[Jazzy1]

Thanks everyone for your kind words & advice. I am seeing a psychologist but I don't have an appointment for another 10 days. I'm on a standby list with my psychiatrist if someone cancels before my appointment. My GP is booked out till next week.

i probably have been under stress I'm primary carer for my unwell mother on top of working full time. My son has had his own mental health issues in the past & is currently out of work as of 2 weeks ago. I fear this is not good for his mental health.

my weight loss journey started in hospital as my program included two compulsory gym sessions per week so I used my time there to go everyday. I saw a dietitian there and started eating healthy trying to stick with. Most importantly I stopped drinking for 15 weeks went back on it again for a couple of weeks had a couple of regretful episodes which sent my depression down hill. So after discussions with my psychologist I have set another target this time of 16 weeks alcohol free. What will happen after that I don't know. I have had friends ask if I'm okay when they are all drinking & im not so I have self doubts was the alcohol defining my personality.

m just anxious about everything ATM & sometimes I feel so alone.

[utopia]

@Jazzy1. I stopped drinking for 3 months last year. It made a huge difference to my health and my outlook on life. Ive really slipped and gone backwards this year with the drinking. Which is one reason my depression came back so strong. But I have a plan with my psychologist to stop drinking again.
So you are not alone there. And my friends drink like fish. So I find I have to avoid them most of the time and only catch up with them in the mornings.
So I guess part of mental health plan needs to include making new friends that don't drink.

[Former-Member]

hello @Jazzy1 @utopia

Alcohol drinking also referred to as self medicating when have symptoms of mental illness

yes this is true and alcohol is also a depressant so even though feels good at the time actually builds up on your depression.

friends who drink, fine, you can still have fun with them, if they cant with you though that is different. they are not true friends.

it will take a while for them to get used to you not drinking, makes them feel uncomfortable, once they have worked that out for themselves they forget that you are not.

better for your liver, general physical health as well as mental health.

main thing is that you have not given up, you do have several people relying on you too adding the pressure.

be kind to yourself whilst waiting for your appointments and keep listening to valuable experience of others on here

you are not alone take care