@chibam We've been there, chibam, haven't we? We know what we are talking about and have the words to put it down, where others may simply not know how to express their distress - or even know where to start. Or not say what they think others will not understand. That is why this fight is so important.
Yes, 20 years was a long time to wait. I must admit that there were times when I became concerned that too much time was passing and they were years I couldn't get back. It has to do with my total trust in him. It has to do with being aware that cure takes time, and if I decided to do anything other than wait I could disrupt everything he was trying to achieve and he'd have to fix my attempts to go off on my own. It is amazing how quickly 20 years can pass. It becomes just a succession of yesterdays, and before we know it 20 years have passed. I trusted him completely. I am still wrestling with understanding who he is. How could I experience such excellent results in my restoration, have seen a man so honourable in everything he did, trusted so completely have been blind to the fact that he restored me but was destroying my life? What was I missing - not understanding?
I now have no family, no home of my own, no friends. He trained me to endure the unendurable to achieve my goals - but I endured the unendurable and achieved nothing.
We worked so closely, so effectively, we strove to help everyone. As I mentioned, after the breakdown of my family, my physical health broke down completely and when I later asked a social worker if there was somewhere I could get board and lodging, a refuge for 300 - mostly alcoholic - men was recommended. I was aghast and told my psychiatrist. He told me to go there - because he knew that he could help them by putting me in there - and helping me to help them. He heard a 'cry for help' and we responded. A situation which had been wrought by a team of 6 - 8 in-house psychologist/s, social workers who simply turned up each day and pretended to care about others' suffering, pretending that they were there to help, pretending that they were able to turn their lives around because that was what they were there for. They were about to leave the establishment for good when I arrived - having made a further mess of so many lives. My psychiatrist and I turned a living hell into a large social group of respected, respectful citizens who had the chance to take time to gain some perspective on their lives. I stayed for 2 years and 8 months and they were the most educational, heart-warming, enriching years of my life. My psychiatrist and I were a total team.
I left my family believing that we would eventually restore having learned valuable lessons and regain our direction. I had allowed a whole 4 years for that and thought that was allowing plenty of time. I wish to say that I do not blame my ex-husband for the breakdown of our marriage. I take full responsibility for 50% of the cause - but 100% was never a possibility. It never will be. The breakdown of my family gave me the opportunity to do much self-reflection. I had never thought much about divorce as it had never affected me. If anything, I would have considered it a solution to a problem. But it isn't. It just creates another mess for someone else to contend with. I immediately understood the meaning of " foresaking all others, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, until death do us part" and honouring my vow became the way I now live my life. My marriage is a life-time commitment. I have no regrets.
I am going to post in segments as I am too emotional to sort out how to ensure it will post by using other means - eg. Word, etc. and don't wish to lose it. Besides, I have to hang my washing out.
