Lived Experience Forum

[New_in_AU]

I’ve had multiple Psychiatrists diagnose me with PTSD and BPD.  I always assumed the BPD diagnosis was not accurate and only characteristics of my PTSD since I do not have dependency and fear of abandonment issues.  But I am now starting to realize that I likely have a pretty strong un-treated case of BPD and that my extreme fear of commitment could be a paradoxical symptom of “fear of abandonment”.  I just never could get myself to that point because I truly would rather be alone.  But now, I have gone through some major life changes and it is clear to me that I have BPD and I can’t live like this anymore.  I have to get treatment.

I fell in love.  After 10 solid years of severe commitment issues that would not let me get close to anyone, I finally met a guy who was determined I was the love of his life and wasn’t going to get scared off that easily.  He treated like a goddess and never stopped looking at me with that love, no matter how irrational my mood…and he broke down my walls.  It really helped that he lived as far as you could possibly live from me on this planet. Fast forward 2 years and we are now engaged, we chose to live here in Australia instead of my county, the US. 

I think the move triggered my BPD.  I have lived most of my life with this head of mine; I have developed coping mechanisms and build a support system that, in ways, enabled me.  But leaving everything behind is hard on anyone but for me, I lost my support system, my identity, and my methods of coping which left me with this head. 

I have to be honest; I hate myself 90% of the time.  I have terrible mood swings: I get super excited about thing and obsess about them, I get depressed and need to isolate, and I see the world in extremes, especially with those close to me, which makes me go from “normal” to really angry in seconds.  This makes it really difficult to develop and keep solid relationships.  And let’s get real, after this long living like this (in denial and without treatment) I have become a person I wouldn’t even want to be near: a negative, depressed, angry, dark person.  I never really had to face all of this because I had so many friends and acquaintances and I wasn’t in a relationship.

But now, I am away from everything I knew and loved, my family, my friends, my culture (yes there are some places in the US that has it, ha ha), and my dancing (that made me feel alive). I am left with this head of mine and it is constantly telling me I am horrible and can’t be helped.  But after reading this website, I think maybe there are treatments out there.  I have to believe that somehow, all this pain, emptiness, anger and personal hate can go away and I can let people in, actually in, and I can find happiness…can learn how to allow myself to be happy. 

Does this sound familiar?

[utopia]

Hi @New_in_AU. It must be so hard to move to a totally new country - where things are just so different. Even though Australia is an English speaking country - we have our own version - Aussie slang. So it could be a very disoriented time for you at the moment.
You love to dance - think when you are feeling a bit stronger - that you might look into a dancing group. It's important to do the things you love. It really does help when you have a MI.
I don't BPD but there are many on this site that are living with this condition. They should be able to offer you some information on what helps them.
I have depression and anxiety. I had PTSD but I got treated quickly -so I've been lucky that has been sorted out.
I wonder if you have found yourself a gp that you are comfortable with. Do you also have a mental health team? Eg: a psychologist and psychiatrist?
So welcome to our supportive forum and I hope others are able to help with BPD.

[New_in_AU]

Thanks for responding, I was hoping someone would.  

Part of being new to a country is also figuring out how to do alot of normal task like seeing a therapist.  We don't go to GP in the states for mental health so that is new to me.  But my partner suffers from anxiety and depression so he has kind of explained it a bit to me.  

I am going to call a GP on Monday and try to get a referral. 

How open can I be with the GM?  If I admit I think about suicide ALOT but wouldn't do it because I have a child, will the GM try to have me committed or put on meds?  

I have had some really bad experiences with practictioners in the States which make me scared to really open up to all the darkness in my head.  I am pretty resiliant and can compartmentalize like a pro, but all that darkness is there still and I am ready to start clearing it out.

[utopia]

I think it realky depends on the gp @bew_in_AU. Most gp's would be understanding - but some may not have experience with MI.
When you go to the gp and explain your A BPD& PTSD & depression - ask them for a mental health care plan. A simple questionnaire. They can then refer you to a psychologist.
I'd suggest being as open and honest as you can be. So let the gp know of your suicidal thoughts - but explain you have no intention of acting on it. They should hopefully contact the local mental health care team - who can then be in contact with you - especially until you see a psychologist.
Generally you do not get admitted to hospital unless you are a threat to yourself or others. You may find your gp or psychologist might recommend medication. If you have concerns about this - let them know. We all have fears of some kind.
As an aside - when responding to someone's post or reply - if you type @ and then their name - they will be notified via email that they have a message. Otherwise people can miss responses by accident. Also, the weekends can sometimes be quiet on this site. It may take a few days before others pick up your thread. So don't worry if it takes a day or two especially on the weekends.
It might be an idea for you and your husband ti write down the numbers fir LifeLine and BeyondBlue or the Suicide Call Back Service. These are open 24/7. I have their numbers programmed into my ph. I've a bad memory at the moment - due to my MI & medications so I cant remember the numbers. Look them up on Google ir maybe someone here can give them to you. A great resource to use.
All the best. Talk soon. I'm off for sweet dreams

[Kurra]

Welcome to Australia @New_in_AU and welcome to the forums. As @utopia mentioned your first step in obtaining assistance is through a GP (general practitioner). Do be as open and honest with him/her as you can be. In this way the GP will be better able to assist you. Do request a Mental Health plan as this gives you cheaper access to a psychologist and psychiatrist through a Medicare subsidy. As the GP for a recommendation of someone who has experience in the diagnoses that you have.

If you find that you don't really 'click' with the first psychologist you see don't be afraid to look for a different psychologist. It's so very important to feel comfortable and confident with the person involved when you're speaking about stuff that you've hidden away for so long.

As far as your suicidal thoughts go, it really is incredibly important that you find the courage to speak about them. As you mentioned at this point they are only thoughts as you have your child keeping you grounded with continuing to live. Above all mention that you're open, willing and ready to explore and deal with the darkness your head can conjure up.

There's heaps of friendship and caring support here so do come back and continue talking with us.

Take care. Thinking of you 💕

[New_in_AU]

I did quite a bit of research yesterday for Psychiatrist and Psychologist in the Victoria area who treat BPD and PTSD and also different treatment.    

It looks like the most popular treatment for BPD is Dialtectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).  I see some offer it as a year long program but medicare doesn't pay for that and it is pretty expensive ($300/week).  Other places don't post how long it is or who much can be covered with medicare but it looks like their programs are a bit shorter and their wait list is long.  Anyone out there know much about DBT and any other routes I might take while I wait for it for a program to have a spot for me?

It is important for me to find a therapist who works with BPD and PTSD since they will understand that I might not need to be medicated.  In the States, they want you medicated and out.  Medication isn't right for me and makes my symtoms worse (i.e. antidepressants make me dead inside and start harming myself).  I am not trying to open a discussion about meds; I know that isn't appropriate. I am speaking to the differences I expect here in Au and with a therapist who treats BPD.  

@utopia and @Kurra Thanks to the pair of you for your sincence and helpful responses. I can't begin to thank you both for allowing to be admit I have suicidal ideations and also hearing me say I am NOT planning on acting on them.  This was the first time in my life, I was free to confess that to someone and not have guards come to lock me up or meds thrown at me.  That was liberating and it took some of power out of it.  I need to be able to start feeling normal and getting rid of some of the darkness.  I need to believe, even though I have had suicidal ideations as long as I can remember, that I can someday be free of those ideations.   

[Former-Member]

Hi @New_in_AU,

i have Dependent personality disorder with BPD traits. I'm pretty sure you'll be able to have a say in what or any medications. I've had the choice to be on medications and I chose to be on the one I currently am as it helps. I've also done DBT through a community mental health program which was about 20 weeks, one session per week. I don't think I was ready for it and found it quite confronting. However I now see some of the things I learned as useful and I guess am more open minded. In my group, those who were dedicated and in a good headspace to take it on did well. I really think that our program was too intensive and you didn't really get a chance to process everything so I think the year program sounds good. I'm doing schema therapy now which I find better for me but my therapist is also trained in DBT so we sometimes incorporate some DBT in too. 

I was also like you with the fear of abandonment in that I couldn't see it as me but now I very much do and it plays out very strongly. I also thought I was independent so a diagnosis of DPD was a shock too. 

I agree that it's going to be really important to find the right support in dealing with BPD. There is much stigma and misinformation out there. I now have almost the right balance of professional help for me. I just need to find a long term bulk billing psychiatrist but that's like looking for a money tree and may not happen. I have a very supportive therapist who has made a huge difference. 

Good luck with finding help and wishing you the best. Here to chat if you want 💜😊

[BlueBay]

Hi @New_in_AU

I too have BPD and was diagnosed 6 years ago.  I also suffer from depression, anxiety and childhood abuse.

I completed the DBT course last year.  I can give you details if the moderators allow me to. The course took a year, it was a very small group 2-4 people.  I had one session weekly one on one and then group weekly which was 2 hours.  I did find it interesting, confronting, frustrating but i knew that i needed to change otherwise my behaviour will stay the same.

I am slowly changing, it isn't easy because I am in my 50's and i have been doing the same pattern of behavoiur, thoughts for a very long time. So i guess it's like having to retrain your brain.

It was expensive but i committed myself for the whole year.  It was difficult as it was about 50 mins away from home, but i would go every single week.  I am at the moment going through it again with my regular therapist.

If @NikNik or @CherryBomb one of the moderators can let me know if i can let you know of the place i went to. 

Wishing you well, happy to chat again anytime.

[Fancy_Pants]

Hi @BlueBay,

yes please feel comfortable to share resources / organisations from your experience just not specific offices / specific groups or recommend specific people 

thank you 🙂

[BlueBay]

@New_in_AU@Fancy_Pants

The place I went to is a DBT clinic in Highett., Victoria.  You may need to google to find out more info and their number.  

Remember it is a huge commitment, you don't want to miss too many sessions or group therapy otherwise you will miss out on a lot.

Take care.