Lived Experience Forum

[Lost3]

I often look at my situation and think i should just get over it and that others are far worse if and selfishness should be my only diagnosis.

A bit about me (I'd that's OK)???
I can remember as early as early as 7 or 8 where I would suffer from anxiety and the need to be perfect.
Apparently though this can be trace back to when I was 3-4 years old.

I grew up as a biological child in a foster family where my parents fostered 100's of kids.
I was made to grow up quickly and see things and be exposed to situations and experiences far beyond my years.

I was never good in social situations and to this day have 1 friend. I just never trusted myself to open up to anybody.

At 18 my life fell apart for the first time when I watched my dad suddenly die from a clot in the heart.
This man was my hero, my idol. I couldn't sleep at night until i heard him walking up the driveway and hear his keys in the door.
He was known as a gentle giant. 6ft 4 with red hair and a moustache; such a tall figure but a heart of gold.

Following his death, I was told to organise the selling off of All his building supplies and settle the factory he owned; liaise with the Coroner (as it was a sudden death at home), male sure my younger siblings were ok and also deal with a lawsuit my mother wanted to pursuit against the treating doctor.
I also started a teaching degree at university.
I experienced my first what I now know is a pseudo seizure after seeing a councillor at the university.
I was also put on something that turned me into a zombie.

2 years later my youngest sister was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and i was the one who hag to go to hospital with her. My sister was 11 days from her 4th birthday.
I knew my mum was unwell as she also had very poorly managed diabetes type II.
The morning after my sister was diagnosed and with about an hour worth of sleep on a chair I had to sit an important maths exam (they said it was too late to get an extension).

4 days later while i am trying to remain strong for my sister in the hospital with her and worth no money for food, I.was surviving on water and air literally; i received a phone call from another hospital saying my mum had been admitted when social workers went to check on her and found her in a diabetic coma.
I was talking to a nurse who was also a neighbor and I said to get over the phone "What about her foot"?.
I heard the nurse tell someone to take off her socks and then all i heard was "look at her foot".... the phone then went dead.

I was petrified to go home. My mum list half her foot and survived death, but she now said I had to have all the kids at home and look after them.there were 5 other kids.
I left the hospital with my sister 11 days later and home to look after my siblings.

I tried my hardest and had to give up uni for a year to make sure my sister with diabetes was settled in a good routine.
The others went feral and after almost a year I called my mum in rehab and said i couldn't do it anymore. I wanted to end my life.

My mum returned home, having had a below knee left leg amputation.
I was never allowed to forget that my mother never walked because i forced her home.

My mother was given everything she needed and help And refused it stating her kids would do it.
The one thing i could never bring myself to do was the empty the commode.
My mum had modified equipment in the bathroom but insisted on using this commide.

From that time mum's health just bounced all over the place and she was a regular at the local hospital.

I was still struggling but was told by my mother that mental health want real and i had to believe her i hag no other reference point.

I remained and fnished university but was and to this day remain petrified of teaching for fear of failing the kids.

I then came out to my mother at 26 and started seeing my now life partner.
My mum wasn't too thrilled and this extended to her giving me an ultimatum; either move out of the family home and in with the girl i was seeing our remain home and stop seeing her.
I left home. It was terrible at first but then got easier.

Mum almost died a further 5 times and last year her kidneys failed to the point where she was forced onto continuous dialysis. Luckily her kidneys kicked in and she went home.

In this time I almost died of multiple clots in both lungs (To this day they don't know why i got them).

The depressive periods were getting worse and suicidal thoughts became a comfort rather than a great.
My partner was blamed for my mental health and if i had never met her i wouldn't be on any medications.

My mum then list pay off her thumb to diabetes.

This last April, mum succumbed to everything failing And weeks before her death was diagnosed with cancer as well add heart failure, kidney failure and infections.
My mum asked me and me partner to stay with her on several occassions and do very intimate and private personal care.

She then died in the April of this year.

I have now been suspended with full pay from work because i didn't follow a direction and i believe i am example of.
No one had in any harm by any stretch of the imagination And nothing bad happened at all.
This had been for the last 3 and a half weeks and i am dying.
I have fallen into a feel and dangerous depression where i also sleep through the day and play card games on my phone endlessly at night.
I feel as though i am constantly being challenged to end it all everyday.
I have a spotless record at work and until this time was great.
This spiral is to the point where i now feel ass though it would be easier to just disappear.
I know how innocent prisoners in cells feel like. No control over their live and figure and at the mercy of everything and everyone.
Im losing the battle and want to pack a bag and drive away infinite the sunset.

I may want to know went I'm constantly being punished
I reckon i must have been someone bloody horrible last life.

[Kurra]

The circumstances of your life have been extraordinarily difficult and you've had to carry a lot of responsibility from a very young age @Lost3. It's far from surprising that you experienced anxiety.

Nevertheless you have achieved so much and given so much to your family. You spoke about your father and how much he meant to you. I think you'll find that your brothers and sisters may well feel much the same about you even if they don't say so.

There is help for you and every possibility of recovery with the right treatment. Please make an appointment with your GP to talk about how you're feeling now and ask for a mental health plan. This will enable you to see a psychologist on Medicare . Speaking with a psychologist regularly will allow you to slowly work through all these things that have impacted you. It can mean putting in hard work yourself but I have found this to be invaluable.

In the meantime I suggest you phone LifeLine and talk to them about your current feelings. The number is 13 11 14.

Take care and chat to us here as often as you want to. We'll offer you all the support that we can and you'll feel less alone by talking to people who have experienced similar feelings. 🎶

[utopia]

@Lost3. Thank you for having the courage to share your story with us.
Firstly - I don't think you were a horrible person in a past life. I think you were placed into a horrible life - this life.
Your mother may not have believed that Mental Illness is real - but you know and we all know that it is very real & sometimes very scary.
As @Kurra has written, please go and see your gp as soon as you can. Your gp can run through a mental health plan with you - it's a simple questionnaire. Then your gp can refer you to a psychologist - who can help you work through the trauma you have suffered. And you did suffer multiple trauma.
The sooner you get help - the sooner your depression and suicidal thoughts will reduce.
You need help to process all you have been through. I understand it is hard and at the moment you can't see any positives. But I felt like you. SI & severe depression. In May this year I went to hospital. It saved me. My suicidal thoughts stopped. With a medication change and therapy I do with my psychologist - I am coming out the other side. My anxiety and depression have gone. I've had 5 weeks now of feeling in control of my life and feeling happy and content.
So don't give in to these negative thoughts. Help is available and you can come through this. Just imagine the life you and your partner can have. Imagine a future without fear of letting people down. Because I don't think you let anyone down. I think you helped your family as much as you could. I bet your dad would be proud of you.
So please go and see your gp and explain how you are not coping. If it's hard to talk - show your gp your post.
Keep focusing on the positives as much as you can - the true love of your girlfriend.
You can overcome this.
Sending you my best wishes

[Lost3]

I have had that many med changes and this major depressive episode is attributed to a suspension from work for a silly misjudgment.

I am working on being able to leave the bedroom. Have left it a hand full of times in the past 4 or so weeks and it is getting harder and harder to just open the bedroom door.

[utopia]

@Lost3. I undunderstand staying in a cocoon inside your room. I only used to leave it for my psychologist or gp appointments. Some days having a shower is an achievement. And that's okay if that's all you can manage to do today.
Do you have a psychologist? When is yoir next appointment. Are your health professionals aware of this new onset & how hard you are struggling?

[Ffm48]

Hi @Lost3

@utopia and @Kurra have already suggested you the help you can get by a referral from a GP on the Mental Health Plan. I can only second that. You've certainly had a rough time growing up and as Kurra and Utopia have mentioned working through all those difficult times with a good psychologist will help you. I've been there. Attempted suicide a couple of times, decided to plan the next, the last time properly when a very good friend intervened and ensured I had appropriate therapy. I worked through my traumata and abuse with two psychologists, one a trauma specialist and the other a cognitive behavioural therapist. Between the three of us we had a some very hard work ahead of us. That was just over four years ago. Suicidal thoughts have ceased entirely. I'm still in a dark hole sometimes; in fact I've just come out of one now ... and here's the crux I know I can get help, I know I can have support, I don't have to go it alone and neither do you.

Let us know how you feel today @Lost3

Smiles Ffm48

[Former-Member]

Morning @Lost3 ☺🌼
Your story really brought tears to my eye's.
A lot to have endured, succumb too but you know what you've already actually made it through so much.
That's tenacity, staying power & incredible inner strength.
I'm pretty sure immense overwhelm for so long would do a number on anyone in your circumstances.


And that's scary s***, is that from here, onwards it's you, that you now need to care for. ❤
I'm really glad you've got a supportive partner.
Definitely get another mental health care plan.

I'm struck by the words you spoke of with the bond you & your dad had.
He sounded a very strong, gentle man.
Hold onto this.
He will help you through this.
Love knows no bounds, dimensions, time zones.
He will be the one to gently hold your hand when you see no light.
Each day is another to see a little more.
The forum is a very supportive place to be heard.
🎇💕☺

[Sahara]

Hi @Lost3, 

I feel for you as you have been through so much. Even though you are exhausted now, I believe you might benefit from talking things over with a professional, as others here on Sane forums are also suggesting. 

Medication can help depression, yes, but it can only do so much. I truly believe that you need to talk about the things you have been through.

It sounds like your employer may have over-reacted in suspending you from work. Still, it's happened now and it's out of your control, to some extent. All employers have their rules and they have the right to apply them as they see fit, even if they may seem unfair and way too harsh! Treat this as an opportunity to have a rest- I think you must need one. 

Don't beat yourself up for being in this position... wanting to sleep all day. Anyone would feel down if they had been through what you have endured.... it's not a sign of personal weakness or a flaw in your character. If fact, it does seem to me that you are extraordinarily resilient and resourceful. 

Let other people help you now, just as you have helped so many people in the past.

[Lost3]

I just want to thank you all so much for your words of support.
I feel less alone which is something I haven't felt in so long.

[Former-Member]

Hello @Lost3

You aren't alone my friend. I can feel as you do. I had a traumatic childhood and many trials in life and losses (grief). I also lost my father to cancer and he was the light of my life. The only one who cared for me at the time.

All I can add to the above is to hold your father close to your heart. He is still with you and if you still your mind he will guide you. You aren't alone there also. Aspire to be like him as that is within you.

In the meantime make peace with your employer. Take on board any lessons from this and be determined not to make any further misjudgements (we all make mistakes - it's what we learn from them that matters in how our life pans out). Then throw yourself into your job once again and do your best without "looking back". Only look forward and you will heal and grow. Look forward to this with a positive vision of the future. Hold onto hope. Do your best no less, as that is enough - it's all any of us can do and then everything will work out for the good. Believe in yourself.