@Historylover
@Sophia1 @maddison @outlander @Shaz51 @Faith-and-Hope @Eve7 @Dimity @Former-Member
I have written a little about my trip here and there. Just letting you know that I appreciate having a few friends to share the positives as well as the hard times. Not to boast but to lighten the mood and reassure that I am doing alright .. ish ... I know I will always be vulnerable, but gaining internal strength to plan for a full life.
The music was fabulous and varied. It was good to see people from years ago and make various connections. Like standing in Sydney airport and a lady came up next to me to get next flight and we knew each other instantly. Not names but the physical presence. Now we are on facebook. I met a guy who I might connect with online to do piano with. Have connected with 4 people to do ensemble with in my local area.
I had a lot of vulnerable moments. Was overly attached to young woman in 40s who I did a few rehearsals with and called her my recorder buddy. We had planned to be in a concert but I found her overwhelming and gung ho and so I withdrew saying we would save the music for just us and not do performance. When she found another friend who was a bit cool on me though we were in same dorm, my attachment and trust issues were triggered and I went through a lot of inner angst. I had to accept I was to be excluded (as they wanted to jam together without me) and in the end walked away and sat with lady I saw in plane queue and had a deeper conversation with her and her friend.
Going through all those feelings re friends, but accepting the limits of individuals. The lady who had been my buddy is lovely and much more at home with the relatively privileged group that attended this festival. Their privelege can trigger me deeply and I am tired of having to deny my truths to coddle their sensitivities.
My sister's anniversary occurs during the course and is part of why I chose to go, as I need to bring positive life experiences to my life rather than dwelling on past, while paying respects. I had been to the festival twice before a while ago, but not included my "tricky" stuff in conversation. It was weird. On her day, there was mention of her name in a class as there was a woman with same name. I felt quietly satisfied. You are here. I thought. Then at end of day there were 2 performances by tutors which were sensitive to death and narration. I felt an inner calming on a broad general level. I had also been able to mention my sister to a lady who had lived in same location where we had been in orphanages. She asked me if I knew suburbs, but I could just be blunt and say I did not know I was 8, but I caught the bus to local school she went to. So at least I did not have to deny my truth.
When doing music as a professional and a teacher I have to put aside my issues and needs, but as this was social for me, I wanted it include the whole of me and not have to compartmentalise too much. I did have to, a bit.
A vegan was justifying and claiming they were not attention seeking with their special requests, which was fine, I amn very whole food and vegetarian, but she could not accept my gentle risposte of "some vegans" may not be attention seeking. I was diplomatic and kind with her, but she said she 'did not have to put up with' to my little correction of 'some vegans'. I am sensitive to overgeneralisation and have an ongoing tricky situation with a particular vegan. In the end I got mildly cranky and quipped, when I was in orphanage we had to eat what was given, including the weevils. I had listened to her complaints about the food. She had upset someone else it seems with her sense of judgment and over privilege.
I stayed in the town for 2 more days in a pub and met lots of people and chatted in a common space. One fellow was a lovely young man I had sat next to and got on famously on the plane. We were surprised to see each other a week later in the pub. We really hit it off and I shared my food with him wraps and salad etc. He then explained he did not eat meat but was not prepared to identify as vegan because of all the baggage that they often project. I found that reassuring. We got on famously, so I will reiterate not all vegans ... then next day a young 16 year old was trying to push dru*gs on him. It was really sad. On the one hand we were worried for the kid as he was still a minor, but he was gung ho on his path. I was happy I talked him into taking some of my vegies to offset all the rubbish he put in his body. I had cherry tomatoes, baby cukes and snow peas spread on the table. Can only mother some people so far .... lol. The Kenyan non meat eater and I will keep in touch. He was new to Australia and here to do his 2nd masters.
To finish it off I connected and chatted with an international tutor on final flights home. So despite my teary and insecure moments I feel a lot more connected than the last event I went to when I had serious Suicidal intentions. I guess some of the trick is to live your best life and try and ride over the low thoughts. Only possible sometimes.
I also bought a bass recorder. Playing low notes is very gentle and healing and I have planned a path of study for my music. Always learning.
Hope you are all doing reasonably alright.
Love Apple
