Lived Experience Forum

[Bellaswan]

Hi Im new here. Sorry if Im posting in the wrong section.

Ive been dealing with mental illness for years. Anxiety and depression and ocd at firsr. After having copious amounts of counseling and being hooked up with an amazing Psych team. It was discovered I actually have a mood disorder (bipolar) and personality disorder (bpd) as well as anxiety and depression. Ive been treated the last year for bipolar with meds that havent worked which made me so baf and now meds that seem to help a little but I'm starting to think adjustments are needed.

Im just finding lately Im having so many more down days than good and it's actually doing my head in. Im always sad. Im always crying. To the point that my best friend said today "this shit needs to stop" meaning my moods. It hurts me even more that he thinks I can just stop feeling. He has been supportive until now and he's getting frustrated with me because of the mood swings but he just doesnt understand that it's my illness. It's not my choice.
Because of this, I find that I'm sitting alone with such bad thoughts. I dont want to die. But I dont want to keep feeling this low and I struggle with suicidal thoughts. They are just thoughts but they scare me. Im falling apart and I feel like no one understands.

Ive just started back at uni. I have 3 kids at school. Im getting driving lessons and im trying to get a job. Maybe im overwhelming myself Im not sure but im sick of feeling like im not good enough and being petrified that everyone is going to leave me.

Im just over it all and just hope there are people here who understand so I can feel less alone 😞

[utopia]

@Bellaswan. It does sound like you have so much on your pkate at the moment.
Do you have a partner - the kids dad - who can help a bit with the kids and housework etc? That could help take a bit of pressure off. Or you may have family that could help.
Do you see a therapist - psychologist? I find itrreally does help with my depression to debrief with my psychologist.
Suicidal thoughts are frightening. Yes I understand that feeling of not wanting to die, but not wanting to live the way I was. When that happened to me and my SI became very strong - I booked myself into a hospital. It made all the difference.
Is hospital something you may consider? It is a safe place to also make changes to your medication while you are supported by psych staff.
Your psychiatrist and or gp could help. Let them know you are struggling at the moment. They are there to help and support you.
Be gentle with yourself. Slow down for a short time. Try and think and focus on good things in your life. Your kids. Your education. The improvements you have made so far.
This is just a temporary set back. You can get back to feeling good again.
But do reach out to your health care team.
I wish you well

[Bellaswan]

Thank you.
Yeah Im a single mum with little help. I have a couple good friends but they are busy with their own lives and while mum is getting better accepting that I have a mental illness, she still says things like 'everyone goes through things like that'.

At the moment I only see my psych nurse fortnightly which makes it hard. I was seeing a counselor who was brilliant through the community health centre where I live but management cut me off before christmas saying they were not wanting to contine with long term clients. I'm looking at seeing a counselor on monday through Uni so I hope that may help. If not I know I need to find more support.

I've asked about hospital before but I don't qualify on the public system because Im not at risk. It's tough.

I will definitely reach out to my psych nurse tomorrow and tell her I'm not coping well at the moment.

[utopia]

@Bellaswan. I'm also a single mum of one. Have been for 12 years. It's a hard gig. And MI does make it that bit more challenging.
I'm lucky in that my PTSD depression and anxiety was a from a workplace incident. So workcover paid for my hospital stay. But I was working in the mental health sector - so I'm only too aware of how hard it is to get a bed in the oublic system. There just isn't enough funding for the help that's needed. But I guess you know that already.
Fortnightly visits with your psych nurse are good. Although I understand your need for more help at the moment.
Use this forum to help. LifeLine and BeyondBlue and similar services can be useful in between your sessions. And your gp as well.
Sending you all the best that this counselor on Monday is a good help for you.
Keep reaching out here.

[NikNik]

Hi @Bellaswan

How did things go with your psych nurse?
Nik