Lived Experience Forum

[Whim]

Hi. This is my second post. At least now I understand how it works. I've been sat with my head in my hands, rocking, creating the universal image of a person gone mad. I either call Samaritans, because they are so non-judgemental, or I type here. 

My husband works away on a minesite and has been told today he can't move to another role. He's blaming me for suggesting he stay in that role a few months ago. Then the company were firing everyone, and my hubby had to take a massive pay cut to stay. I know he needs to vent, and have someone to blame and aim that anger at, and he didn't yell, because that's not his style, but I feel so bad.

My depression is rampant in my head. I also have anxiety. When our son comes home from school and I'm 'alone' everything seems so much worse because I have to be present, whereas when he's at school I sleep. My husband doesn't understand my depression and is getting really sick of it. I try so hard not to show it, and when he's home I do do more, and generally have more 'oomph' but at the moment I'm unwell, and it's a bad time. Funny, because the bad times generally occur when he's away. God knows how he would manage me if he were here. I feel nothing but sadness, emptiness, guilt, anxiety, fear, and the constant wish to not be here. I wouldn't do it because I have a son, and parents, etc, but my life is empty. I've lost friends due to this. It's the most awful thing. I need people around me to help me be distracted. Feeling nothing but sad when in company is so much better than feeling as I do when alone. 

Letting my real thoughts ramble out just now has helped a bit. Why do we have to feel this way? For all of you out there I genuinely feel for you as this is the most awful cold prison. thank you for reading.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Whim,
Its truly amazing how we cope when others are around. Having some one in our lives that doesn't understand depression is so bloody hard.
It's so exhausting to be on show when deep down you feel spent.
I have lost friends due to it as well. My sister asks' why don't you socialise? ', it's because the people in my life is hard to handle without going to dinners and functions.
Unless you have been through a anxiety attack, no one truly understands.
You have so much on your plate, your feelings are well justified. Many at this forum, understand you very well. The question is? How the hell do you survive?, well talking about how you do feel is a great step. I don't know if you have a good relationship with your G.P , maybe talk about how you feel. If you don't, ok, keep posting on here. Mental illness struggle is so hard when you have a family. I have a teenage son and am in a relationship. I know fully well what you mean about distraction. I am the same. It's perfectly normal to feel this. I was hospitalised in January for the first time. All I could think of was that I was letting down my son. But the damage was not caused by hospital admission, it was caused by what he witnessed prior to that. I hope that things will get better for you. I can tell you that things can get better. Talking about your situation helps a lot. Cheers Ms78.

[Whim]

Thank you Ms78. Your words were so lovely. Thanks for sharing a bit about yourself. It's good to know someone understands. I seem no have no more energy to even type so am going to go to bed. I'm sorry things got so hard for you, I hope the hospital stay helped. I will probably write more tomorrow as it helps me. thank you and I hope you have a bit of respite at the moment, or if not then at least know that you have positively helped someone tonight, thank you.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Whim
Get a good sleep, and anytime you need to talk, I am here. Thankyou for your kind words. I am glad you feel I have helped, I am new here so I am in the same boat as you . The people on this forum are wonderful. Take care, talk soon. Cheers, Ms78.

[jem80]

Depression and anxiety can make you feel isolated and on "auto pilot", where you are not mentally in tune but physical in tune.

I have had people distance themselves from me when they have found out. They feel uncomfortable talking about it. As a result I keep it concealed for both privacy and judgement reasons.

Get in contact with your GP or mental health professional and let them know how your are feeling. Even take hubby along if you can. This might help him understand what you are going through and he can ask questions.

Distraction will only go so far. You need to tackle the issue head on which is very daunting as a propersition. Taking those first few steps is hard but once you do it you can start to figure out what works for you. Having regular doctor appointments help as they can keep track of how you are.

[Whim]

Thanks jem80. I am taking steps. I've upped my meds, with Doc approval and am waiting to see a psychiatrist late October. Thanks for sharing a bit, it means a lot.