Lived Experience Forum

[Baileyboy]

Been sneaking around the forum for a little while now and talked about different aspects of my story. But for some reason I've spent the last 24hrs in another reality, I think. PTSD has my fight/flight responses going crazy. It hasn't helped, when I became so financially desperate because of 2017 bad luck that it was suggested I ask for assistance. Enter Vinnies...but.

As a kid one particular priest started sitting me on his knee, holding me close and touching me all in the view of others really, eg at the table. Finally after my dad's death his abuse became sexual as he abused me on an altar in a church. That was just the beginning. Going to a catholic school I was often called out to help him and trips to my cousins farm became regular, supposedly giving mum a break. As I grew older other priests became involved and all sorts of rituals began to become prominent. I was known as the chosen one.

This, can't even begin to explain exactly what this was, went on for 10 years, involving 3 miscarriages at the age of 16 and an attempted kidnapping supposedly to bring a new saviour into the world and all this as my immediate family were totally unaware. I don't ask how anymore.

Disassociation must have been the only thing that meant that I survived. At the age of 30 after a night in a motel room with alcohol and sleeping tablets I began to remember. BANG doesn't seem adequate to show the impact. Every one, drs, therapists seemed relieved that all my illnesses and other stuff were explained, but there I was surrounde by ghosts, people, memories and many unexplained emotions. If I ever thought I knew myself this was a farce. I had no idea who I could even be, let alone who others saw me as.

My life had become overwhelmed with flashbacks and nightmares and the reality of the abuse became more and more obvious. But it wasn't until 3 years ago that anyone even mentioned PTSD and only in the last year that I have started seeing a psychologist who specialises in this disorder so I am still very frightened ans when asking my therapist just the other day can I be fixed she stated that the PTSD can be managed, that I wasn't in need of fixing but my symptoms could be helped. Why has it taken soooo long? And how much later can I hang on? I mean how mant new memories can there be. Being overtired has lead to a barrage of flashbacks and sleep has become IMPOSSIBLE!

So asking a catholic group for help has made me feel so low that I can't even explain it and I can feel myself slipping away, detatching myself from myself mainly. I'm sure anyone seeing me would see the usual, day to day stuff being done, looking after my sister and doing general living. But I can feel myself slipping and I can't tell anyone, I don't want to worry anyone and I don't want people to know that I am still failing.

Bloody catholics. Bb.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Baileyboy, 

I'm glad you shared this on the Forums as it sounds like you're dealing with so much on your own. 

The body and mind can do some pretty amazing things in order to survive. It develops ways of coping - sometimes this can involve disassociating and/or hiding memories away to get through distressing times. Thing is though, these ways of coping are often unsustainable, and the body and mind can remember and bring experiences up for you to see and experience. This can be really frightening and confusing. I don't know how or why these memories can take so long to surface. But I think it's part of the body trying to heal, as painful as it is. It's good that you've got a therapist - have you been seeing them for long? 

There's another thread here started by @Former-Member about moving through sexual abuse. @Former-Member, @Zoe7 and @Former-Member have shared their experience there. Perhaps you can join that thread, or perhaps they can offer some advice here. 

[Zoe7]

oh @CherryBomb I was really trying to avoid this one tonight

[Former-Member]

Hi @Baileyboy 

You have been through so much. And recovery seems so long as well. In some ways it is long, but there is so much support here, you're no alone. 

I've wondered the same thing about how much more can i remember... But when it surfaces it usually feels as though it was there all along, i jsut hadnt thought about it. 

I've been working with a psychologist for a long time, but have had so much going on I havent really been able to take on the ugly stuff. I dissoicate trying to talk/think about it and its just... hard. so we're working on the anxiety and self esteem i guess and building up my ability to be assertive... which I think are all things i need to be strong in to be ready to tackle it again. Its kind of like stepping stones I think.

take care of you

lj

[Former-Member]

please feel free to jump over to my thread that @CherryBomb has linked for you. our stories are shared there and there is plenty of great advice by many 🙂

however if your not willing to do that thats fine, no pressure at all 🙂

[Zoe7]

@Baileyboy Firstly - I am sorry for what you endured for so long. 

I too disassociated when I was continually abused and I am sure that is the only way I got through it.

I have suffered a lack of sleep for many years and the nightmares and flashbacks are vivid, distressing and all consuming, and being over tired just adds to the torment.

I am not in the right headspace to give your post the response it deserves at the moment but as @CherryBomb has said - there are many of our 'stories' and discussions on other threads that may help - and you would be most welcome to join us as we support each other there.

[Former-Member]

hi @Baileyboy im glad you decied to share your story. there are many on here that have encountered some sort of trauma.

i too suffer from PTSD, as well as a few other mental conditions so i totally get where your coming from. @Baileyboy

i was 16 when i was abused by someone who i trusted. it took me a long time to come forawrd i did the reports and then tried to pretend it didnt happen. im now 20 and am only just bringign it back up.  it doesnt matter how long it takes you to get your story out, youll always be supported by people including myself every step of the way  

the brain has a funny way  as @CherryBomb has said to recover from trauma. i never went through the dissociation as you did but its a coping mechanism and its more common then you think.

as long as you know that none of it was your fault and it was purley an abuse of adult power!

im very glad your seeing a psychologist, that will help you greatly. it might not happen straight away but eventually youll begin to heal as well, though it wont be an easy feat but you will get there.

the therapist can give you plenty of strategies to practice and use to keep from hitting 'panic' mode an to learn to cope with all the overwhelming thoughts.

i honestly  have no family or friend support but coming onto these forums has been one of the best decisions. i now have a forum family 🙂 and now you do too 🙂

[Baileyboy]

@Former-Member This is going to sound really silly but I actually have no idea how to get on a thread...so please explain it as simply as possible.

By the way thank you all @Zoe7@Former-Member@CherryBomb for your thoughts. You are right, I've never had the chance to talk to anyone who has experienced anything similar. Hope I haven't caused too much angst for anyone else,

My psychologist has experience in PTSD and supports me, but tended to scare me off when she told me that I would probably have to visit each memory to be able to properly file it away. What if there are infinite memories?

[Former-Member]

Ok so when @CherryBomb commented and tagged us fellow Sane people and she meantioned my thread. She said you could find it here. The 'here' should be highlighted in blue.. just tap on it and it should take you straight the the post
Let me know it doesnt work and ill see about tagging you in it @Baileyboy. Or use the search engine on the forums and type in moving forward (sexual abuse) and it shoild come up.

[Baileyboy]

@Former-Member Finally found the thread...am going to wait til tomorrow to read, however, as emotions a little wobbly at the moment! Scary that others have read the basis of my story...left out the scars I have from 10 or more years of self harm..arms, leg and throat. Still catches me by surprise the impulse to replace mental hurt with physical hurt but seem to be able to not..good english.

Would any of you @Zoe7@Former-Member@CherryBomb believe that in the background Good Will Hunting is on and Robin Williams is saying over and over again ...it's not your fault! How's that for spooky?

Thanks all. Bb