Lived Experience Forum

[TAB]

Its ok @Bast .. I can relate .. had been doing it for years til I realised it even had a name re the ‘walk’ lol I used to get so fearful and guilty about going back, and only did if had things still there. I used to think it was only me 😀 well til heard from others that it had a name etc

[Bast]

@TAB@Queenie@Utopia@Dec

Hi TAB 

Many thanks for the follow up message - I will certainly be in touch again - Once I have a date for the walk.... My walk will at least be easier (I hope) I will be able to drive around to the back of the building. grab my personal items and escape from Alcatrazaz forever. Not quite realistic I know. Just easier at this stage to consider. 

I will still have to have some ghastly formal encounter to hand in my wipe and the cheapest phone in existance. 

Lovely...................what joy

There is only one person that I think I can tolerate to see.........

Regards Bastless and Odin

[TAB]

It’ll be fine @Bast ..it’s never as bad as it seems when stewing over it lol 😸

[Bast]

I write to you wonderful people as my safe place. I cannot ring for support, last time the results were horrific. It was so like being punished for having a mental health problem. Never, ever again will I phone for help. I am trying to acknowlege that this is just another tricky time & all will be OK. The sadness is just overwhelming and I thought I was all healed. Self blame, self doubt & abasement - rampant in my mind. I cannot envisage any reason at all. I work every day with people who are experiencing MH issues and crisis. I know my work is benefical from the feedback I receive and to have the honour of sharing their accomplishments. Now, I am so frightened and scared that I will again break. I have to attend the Children's court due to a supoena as I am their therapist. I know my beliefs are strongly aligned with the rights of the child and I think that my practice is in accordance. I am self doubting, anxious and afraid. The mood drop is devasting. I can no longer envisage a way forward.

[Former-Member]

Such a stressful time t

[Teej]

Hey @Bast 

It sounds like things are pretty tough at the moment. I know there is nothing that I can write that you don’t already know. 

Just checking in to see how you are going. How is Odin going too? 

A funny thing happened. I was in the shower thinking about your post and I remembered you had a newish cat last time. I tried to remember it’s name and came up with onedin, then thought I’d might be Odin. I think I surprised myself that I remembered their name. 

I hope today has been kind to you. 💜🤗

[Bast]

Hi all

Now I believe it is essential to tell something that is troubling me as my story. Although the contents maybe dark, I will endeavour to minimise any provactive elements. The biggest question that still remains is how do you live with horror and ongoing nightmares. Two years ago I reached the point of no more, I was carted off and kept accordingly, on the night of release everthing worsened. Again, I escalated. Very close to nasty endeavour. Arteries are interesting things and when driven the results are amazingly horrible. Tenuous or touch and go the spouse was informed. I do recall some of the elements, that continue to trouble me. Dragged into the light, ambos saying I stank, freezing in hospital with a BP of 50, monitors & eventually a wondrous machine called a huggy bear - warmth finally. Stabilisednd off to ICU, and then to a ward. Specialed and met the most amazing people. Wow got to shower, blood soaked hair, cleaned. Starvation & dehydration awaiting surgery. Meds ceased for 10 days. Wreckage as a result. Back to entrapment. No outdoor access as 2 people had escaped.Finally left after another 10 days fighting for to survive - now why & what for. I have made a sincere promise to myself - no more, and yet daily I am so tempted.