A Life of Trauma and Tragedy (Possibly Triggering Content)

[Eve7]

Dearest @Emelia8 thank you for sharing so openly with all of us. My thoughts and prayers are with you right now and I am honestly prepared to sit with you any time night or day.

You May receive good news next week, you may not but if you don’t there is a fight to fight that you don’t necessarily have to lose.

About 8 years ago I was diagnosed with lung cancer and I have it in writing but when I went to the oncologist he looked at my scans and said “I don’t agree with this”  It turned out to be a fungus infection. Never had the word fungus sounded so good! I’d had myself dead and buried but it wasn’t to be.

Even if you do have cancer we will walk this journey with you.

Always just a tag away

xxx

[BlueBay]

I'm really sad to read this my friend @Emelia8 

hugs and love ❤️❤️

[Sans911]

I'm sorry I'm a bit late to the replies @Emelia8 but I was extremely tired earlier today. I've had a nap so I feel a little better.

Human connection is incredibly important and even when I want to shrink away from the world, I try to maintain a connection here in the forums, tenuous as that is right now.

I wanted to respond to your cancer news because I understand somewhat how that feels. Your journey will possibly be very different to mine, but many of the feelings will be similar.

When my cancer was found, I had no family history at all. Some reproductive issues in the women, cancer of the ovaries in my grandmother but no breast cancer.

I distinctly remember that phone call too saying they had found something concerning. Could I please go for follow-up tests?

Like you it was virtually a full day. Of more mammograms, biopsies, etc. It was tiring, painful, uncomfortable and scary.

It was such a whirlwind after that. The initial Dr I spoke to tried to convince me to have implants. That's when I stopped the bus to get off for a bit. I asked for another opinion. I joined Facebook groups (good and bad thing). I read articles and research on the latest procedures.

But the best thing was there was a nurse in the consulting room that day. And the Dr was called away for quite a while. So we had a really great chat about options. She was very open and honest with me.

Use those nurses. Over the phone, in person.

The best advice I can give you is do not be rushed. Yes, there is some urgency of course, but don't be rushed into a decision that you don't feel comfortable with. Remember, it's your body and you have to live with the decisions.

Ask lots of questions. I went on with a notebook. If you don't know what to ask, talk to me.

And talk to me about anything related to this. You might need other treatments that I didn't need, but I'll do my best to help you understand. The great thing about being a nurse is I know how to research. And two people are better than one when you need to find an answer.

Here with you every step of the way. 💖💖💖

[Peri]

Dear @Emelia8 ,

i feel so concerned for how you are feeling. Getting a cancer diagnosis is very disturbing and worrying but I would like to try to put some perspective for you.

ten years ago I was diagnosed with an aggressive breast cancer situated like yours and close to lymph nodes.  I went through all the tests you have and ended up having two lots of surgery then chemo therapy and radiotherapy. It all took a year.  But it is all very “doable”. One step at a time. The breast is not a vital organ and whilst we might prefer they were ok they can be lived without.

i did not have a lot of supports either, my son was home but much younger my older son was in England preparing to get married.  My parents were dead, I didn’t tell my brother until I had lost my hair.  I had a “partner” but he did not cope well at all and left to go skiing in Japan when I was due for my second surgery.  

But I got through it.  I worked full time which I believe helped.  

I am now monitored annually and so far have had no recurrence.  Survival rates are now excellent , so don’t write yourself off yet.

your time has not come, you have decisions to make, and a lot of other crap going on, but this is not that bad to get through. Just one bit at a time and you will get there. You are a strong and loving woman. You are worthy don’t let your husbands selfishness get in the way of you and what treatment you may need. 

I don’t think that I am putting all this really well I am trying to be positive . You will find out more once they confirm the diagnosis, or not and then put a plan in place.   You will then also feel better about it all. 

Please keep in touch on the forum as you can see there are a lot of people who care for you and providing loving support will help them and help you.  You don’t need to say a lot or anything you don’t want to say but just let us know you are about still. 

Thinking of you

love Peri

[Appleblossom]

@Emelia8 

I can only imagine the fear and how it might magnify the uncertainties.  People make different choices.  I have heard a lot of different stories.  Treatment options vary and there are holistic approaches. I know of a lady who decided for NO treatment. The forum has many members who care about you, but it is your body. You are the only one who lives in your skin.  It is great that @Sans911 has offered her nursing insight.

Hugs

Apple

[Emelia8]

Thank you so much @Bunniekins @Lee82 @outlander @Snowie @Schitzo @NatureLover @Former-Member @Maggie @Eve7 @BlueBay

@Former-Member @Sans911

@Peri @Anastasia @Owlunar @Shaz51 @Faith-and-Hope @Appleblossom 💖🌼

I very much appreciate your support and also the telling of your personal experiences with cancer. 🧡

I feel guilty for feeling so horribly low about it all and ready to give up. Cancer is something so many people live through, and with, these days. But all I can see is my Mum last year, who suffered so terribly and died in so much distress. And my grandmother who came to live with us when I was a teenager and she died of breast cancer in an awful way too.

I have quite a bit of experience with cancer, all close to home ... my husband went through a kidney cancer diagnosis about 10 years ago, then Melanoma just on 4 years ago. And it was the Melanoma which spread to his lungs 3 years ago. It was Mr Emelia's cancer treatment which has made him so horribly sick in so many areas. 

I have sat in so many Drs surgeries, hospital rooms and cancer treatment clinics over the past 3 years, between hubby and my Mum.  I think I've spent more time there than at home for 12 months of that period.  I'm not sure I can go through it all again ... for me this time.

Yes I know there are some good stories these days ... but I personally havent seen any. My experiences have all been bad.

I am feeling very drained right now, and am unable to reply properly to you all. So for now ... a huge thank you. I will respond more when I can. I'm sorry I'm being such a sad-sack, its just the way I feel. Occasionally I get a little spark of hope that they've made a big mistake, that the Dr will phone next week and say ... its nothing. But then I know thats an unrealistic hope. I just have this feeling that I have a ticking timebomb living within me.  And the ache in my breast and armpit from all the biopsies is a constant reminder that I've already had bits taken out of me. I try to distract myself and it kind of bites occasionally in an inner ache kind of way ...bringing me back to the present. 

I should be happy, I cannot count the number of times I've wanted to die, would have been happy to die. Now that I have an easy way out, a legitimate excuse to leave this world, I'm fighting it. Stupid me ... never happy.

I'm sorry. I should not be here right now. Tomorrow ......

Emelia

[Former-Member]

You have nothing to be sorry or guilty about. It's only natural that you are feeling scared etcetera @Emelia8 

 💖💞

I have had the tests you had and treatment for cancer, so I do understand the fear. 
I hope you can sleep ok. Nighty night. 🥰❤️

[Appleblossom]

@Emelia8 

Hugs. 

 They are Fully Human Responses to difficult news and past associations.  It would not be appropriate to be anything else, than the mix of thoughts and feelings you have described.

[Sans911]

Yes, you should be here right now @Emelia8. Even if you can't respond or feel like talking, let us sit with you.

Don't deny or brush away your feelings. You're still grieving the loss of your mother, and then you get slammed with this. That's super tough. I'm not glossing over anything, but don't tell your story before it's been written. For now, although you're anxious and scared, that's all you have.

You don't know the next steps, so you can't take those yet. Yes you might have experience of being with people suffering from cancer, but this time it's personal.

I can't tell you how many times I thought those same thoughts of having a reason to no longer be alive so why was I upset? It's a natural human reaction.

Cry, rage, feel the feels, feel the lows and sink into like an old friends arms. It's ok to stay there for just a little while.

But come back here to be supported. You have an army of friends here to support you through anything.

Ps. You don't have to respond to this post.

[outlander]

@Emelia8 💛💙🧡