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Thank you @Anastasia .. I havent been around as much the past week or so. Just hasnt felt right.
I really appreciate your post ... though there is absolutely no cause to apologise. You are flat out already with all your offline commitments, let alone your online ones. I too am eternally grateful that Sane has enabled us to cross paths. I am definitely better for knowing you and having the support you so willingly and caringly provide to all here. Thank you.
Emelia 💞🤗
I have neglected to visit for some time...I hope you can forgive me too @Emelia8 
how are you going today xx
the weather here is looking like rain again , hope not
hello and hugs @Anastasia , @Former-Member , @NatureLover , @WIP
Thank you everyone for your posts here over the past couple of weeks. I know I dont seem to get here very often these days, and feel guilty that I dont respond as regularly as I should. I always read your posts though and appreciate each one, and each one of you.
@Anastasia @Bow @Eve7 @Shaz51 @Former-Member @NatureLover @WIP @Sophia1 @eth @Snowie @outlander @Lee82 @Faith-and-Hope @Peri @Clawde @BlueBay @saltandpepper @Bunniekins @Oaktree @Owlunar
I havent been doing so well the past week or more. No one thing responsible for that, just a lot of stuff in general. I have felt disheartened disappointed and misunderstood in some respects, but there isnt much I can do about that. I have also felt myself pull back from others as a consequence. Self isolation is a habit I try to avoid, but it feels like I am going against my very inner fibre. To isolate oneself is a defence mechanism, which is a hard habit to break.
I still feel the considerable loss of my husband. Thank you for your perspective @Peri in the post a couple of weeks ago. What you said is right ... he was my tormentor. But he was also my protector. And now that he is no longer here, its easier to dismiss the torment. Which leaves me without him, as my protector. I have my little dog Holly, but I fear she will not be with me for very long. Her health issue is something I am watching closely, as I do not want her to suffer ... out of any misguided perception that I need her and will be left with nobody or nothing when she goes.
I am also approaching the anniversary of my Mums death. It will be 2 years this thursday. It seems forever ago, I guess because so much has happened since then. But it could almost be only yesterday, in that I still think of her every day. And deeply regret that I was unable to get to see her as she lay dying in hospital for 3 days. I know she was unaware, and I know my brother was with her throughout. I know I phoned and spoke to her each day, even though I dont know if she could even hear me. But it isnt the same as actually being there.
Added to everything else, I have been in considerable pain the past few weeks. Relating to my long term back injury. I am having physiotherapy each week, but so far it does not seem to be improving at all. Night time is the worst, and the pain is pretty extreme at times. Every movement, every flinch causes agonising sciatic pain. I dont know what more I can do about it, other than live with it. It normally would start to improve after this amount of time, but so far ... it continues unabated. I am wondering if the anti-cancer pills I continue to take each day, could be influencing things? Its well known to cause joint pain, so I guess its possible. What would I prefer ... the cancer to come back, or almost constant agonising back and leg pain? Hmmm ... a toss up really. The pain is there, its real. Where as, the threat of the cancer returning is an unknown at this stage. Definitely something to think on.
So I am off to the physio again at midday today. And tomorrow I see my clinical psychologist. I hope between them, they may be able to sort me out a bit. I am yet to make the long trek South to visit my ailing Dad. I put the visit on hold with the current COVID situation here in NSW. In reality I would not have been able to make the drive anyway, with this back of mine. Everything in NSW is very much up in the air with the current COVID emergency. Who knows what will happen? Those of us in the regions are not overly affected at present, but that could change any time. Already NSW are the lepers of the country, with states locking all of us out. I guess its our turn really. Poor VIC have had more than their fair share of carrying the covid load in the past year. I hope they are able to remain free of this delta variant.
So thats my update for any of you who wish to know whats going on of late. Sending love to each of you, because you are all important to me and I care a lot about you all.
Emelia 💞🤗
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