Lived Experience Forum

[BPDSurvivor]

Very true indeed @Little_Leopard . As one diagnosed with BPD, I felt like I was an emotional child trapped in an adult’s body. The ‘tantrums’, meltdowns, inability to communicate etc were very consistent with a toddler. It seems I didn’t have the upbringing that could nurture that emotional growth, so just like a toddler needs to know where their parent is, I emotionally needed to attach myself to particular people.

What I noticed was that these unhealthy relationships were formed with ‘mother’ figures. They were much older, cared for me, nurtured me. 

hence in life, I found myself on two extremes. I was either the one caring for someone (so they were the child figure) or I was the one being cared for (now I was the child). There was no in between.

so in the morning, I was working as a teacher, held it so well at work and ‘cared’ for everyone. Then, when I got home, I became very needy and dependant on my mother figures. I wasn’t settled in the evenings until they phoned me. And if they didn’t phone, I’d get so angry and worked up.

This is what people didn’t understand. I was seen as an attention seeker and ‘pretending’ because I could just go to work in the morning and then come home and become beastly.

I didn’t understand at the time either! 

That’s why BPD is so highly stigmatised. People just don’t see that we are emotionally jarred every moment. Our emotional skin has been ripped from us so that our only way ‘out’ is dangerous - suicidal ideation, self harm, impulsive actions.

Good news, once I emotionally ‘grew up’, there was no regression nor ‘ungrowing up’ done. Hence the BPD recovery. I believe that once borderlines are supported to recover, there is slim chance of falling back.

Hope my experiences shed light on BPD.

@Little_Leopard @Murphy2 @Delicatessen 

[Little_Leopard]

@BPDSurvivor 
I know this sounds weird, but to me, it makes total sense to me that you were able to regulate your emotions as a teacher and around the children. From a trauma perspective you didn’t veiw the children as a threat or are harm and you were not worried about them leaving you because they depended on you. It’s the same with the animals, a lot of people with trauma love animals because they know the animals won’t hurt them or ever leave them.

I have noticed quite a few people who have been through hard lives who don’t have any friends because they just don’t trust people anymore. However, they loves and are very close with their pets.

So what you are saying makes total sense to me. It actually does make a lot of sense!!. But I get that at the time, others, and even yourself at times, didn’t connect the dots.

It makes sense that with the older mother figures you became diss regulated. It was because of your experience with trauma and ruptured attachments with adult figures.

Your story really is absolutely incredible.

You are right about the stigma for sure, apparently it is very difficult to treat and I have heard that some therapist will not take people with BPD.  I have DID so I totally get the stigma thing. I actually think that one of my “parts” has BPD.

Out of curiosity, Is it true that you need treatment for life? like do you need weekly upkeep sessions for upkeep or anything. Or you don’t need anything at all any more? I know that you previously mentioned that you have recovered. So do you does that mean like fully recovered? no therapy and no medication?

Thank you so much for sharing with me. I really appreciate and value your story and honest opinions.

[BPDSurvivor]

Absolutely spot on @Little_Leopard . I didn’t view children as threats. Hence everything was okay at work!

As for your question about treatment - no, I do not believe you need it for life at all. Once you’ve emotionally ‘grown up’ and learnt to self soothe, those skills carry you through. Of course there are exceptions like if there are co-existing conditions, re-traumatisation etc.

But in terms of BPD therapy? I’m all set. Don’t need it at all anymore because I know my brain has changed immensely so that I don’t turn to unhelpful coping mechanisms anymore. Don’t get me wrong, the BPD is still there but it does not have control of my life like it used to. For example, as part of BPD, I have chronic suicidal ideation. It used to trouble me, but now it is white noise. I have no intent whatsoever. 

However, I do speak to my psychologist once a month or so just for a catch up. He’s such a good psychologist, that I tend to have these sessions just to maintain my MH. I could do without them, but I just like the way he explains things and reasons with me.

And meds? Well, from the start, I knew meds didn’t cure BPD. It was psychotherapy that was going to make a difference to my BPD. I do however have other conditions I need to manage such as insomnia and depression. I take meds for this. I don’t believe I’m depressed at all anymore, but because this low dose I’m on is keeping me stable, I’ve chosen to stay on it. I’m tapering over a number of years. I don’t want to upset the equilibrium…and with sleeping? I’m still trying to get back into routine after the school holidays. It’s nearly 12:30am and I’m still up despite being up by 5am then out and active all day today in 36 degree heat.

So meds have certainly helped in that if I didn’t take antidepressants, I would not have been in a fit state to take in my mentalisation based therapy.

 Hope this makes sense. In my heart of hearts, I know I will never go back to the BPD state I came out of.

@Little_Leopard @Murphy2 @Delicatessen 

[Little_Leopard]

Hey @BPDSurvivor. 

hope you have been well.

Its good to know that people with BPD can get to a point were they can cope and live a happy functioning life without constant therapy.

I guess this is just another misconception and stigma about BPD. Some people treat BPD Like it’s a life sentence. I have always struggled with this concept that BPD is a lifetime uphill battle. That seems so unfair. Because in reality you could say that about any disorder including depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder, bipolar, etc.
To me, what is more relevant is whether the the person with BPD is in the right situation (stable and safe)  and has a good therapist that they trust and connect with and who understands the condition. And obviously the person with BPD wants to work on themselves and improve.

I am the same as you with the medication thing. Medication cannot help or cure my DID. However, I do take and SSRI for anxiety and depression. But like you said the medications do not treat or cure that condition at all. It’s more to help maintain some kind of homeostasis. But it does not treat or cure the actual disorder at all. so yeah I get that. 

my husband has insomnia. It’s a really hard thing to try to combat. once it’s at the point of insomnia, it can be very difficult to train the brain to sleep properly. Since I was a child, I have been very good at lucid, dreaming and reframing my dreams. I believe that is why I never developed insomnia to the degree my husband has.

I like your analogy of the BPD and suicidal ideation being like a background noise. That makes a lot of sense to me. 

[encee]

Thank-you so much for sharing your story @BPDSurvivor 

I’m new here and have just read through this whole thread and damn, I feel so understood.

I’ve never felt understood before and have always felt like I’m absolutely crazy.

I‘ve only very recently been diagnosed with BPD, but was diagnosed in 2017 with depression and anxiety.

I started seeing a psych straight away and saw him right up until 2022.

My psychologist helped, but as it wasn’t DBT or BPD focused therapy and I eventually got to a point where I felt like he abandoned me after a comment and I stopped seeing him.

I tried another psych, no good. And a counsellor, who was great until I told her that I have BPD. It was almost like a switch was flipped and her whole demeanour changed to “too hard basket”, just like everyone else in my life.

I’m at the lowest of lows currently, waiting to see my GP and get a referral for a psychologist specialising in DBT, and being able to read your story and know that I’m actually not crazy and this is something others deal with has really helped right now.

No-one in my life knows what BPD is or even seems to care to learn about it and I’m depressed as about that, but trying so hard to focus on getting myself better for me. It’s just so hard.

I’m so scared I am locked in for life with BPD. It’s really how it feels right now. But your words have helped immensely. So again, thank-you.

[tyme]

Welcome to the forums @encee !

Thank you for sharing what has been happening for you. It is so true that BPD is such a highly stigmatised condition. When people hear or see BPD, they have also 'switched' and placed me in the too-hard basket - especially hospitals. From my experience, hospitals have been the most ill-equipped for people with BPD.

Perhaps this thread will be helpful for you @encee Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script .

Happy reading, and hope you can contribute to that BPD community there.

[Delicatessen]

Hi @Murphy2 

I can completely relate to your fear of being abandoned. I was abandoned at a very young age by someone very significant to me. I suffer from anxiety and have recently found out through treatment that I have always emotionally engaged in my relationships with the assumption that people will leave me. It has profoundly impacted my ability to connect with people.

That being said I can’t give you a guide on what will work for you. What’s started to help me is journalling, CBT and ongoing counselling. Talking to people does help when you start to get your head around the “you” space could help. But simply telling them that you think they’re abandoning them ongoing, expecting them to reassure you (words, behaviour or otherwise) can stretch the friendship.

My own experience is that if you’re aware of a problem then a positive step forward might be demonstrating you’re doing something about it.