Lived Experience Forum

[utopia]

@Change123. We all do things sometimes we regret. MI plus hormones is an awful mix. I believe it really messes with our brain. I net in 20 years time, we will be watching the news and there will be a report on a new medical discovery. That hormones affect our moods.
And I for one will be yelling at the tv - WE ALWAYS KNEW THAT. WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK US WOMEN - YOU IDIOTS.
Your man is not running from the weekends situation. He is simply processing it all. He will come around in his own time. In the meantime, you will hurt. So keep talking to us on the forum. This will pass. Until then keep writing here.

[Change123]

Thanks @utopia@Shaz51

Wish guys would understand that, he just thinks I'm being lazy and dont care enough for him to stop it.

I'm ok, yes I'm hurt but I can handle all these feelings what I cant handle and whats stressing me the most is not being able to have control to prevent this like I did before.  

I'm contemplaing quitting oin the forum, yes it is a good resource for me etc etc and has helped me tremendously and I have chatted to so many amazing people BUT by doing this I'm breaking a boundary also.  He doesnt know I'm on here, he doest agree with forums and would probably leave me for good if he knew. Maybe I need to quit here so it doesnt seem ok in my brain to over step a boundary - I dont know??? It would mean that I would be totally isolated again - but maybe thats my bed and I need to lie in it.

[utopia]

@Change123. Having a safe place to come and share your thoughts is such an important safety net for you. For me. And for many others here.
He doesn't understand what it's like living everyday with MI. He can only know what it's like to be a partner of someone with MI. They are very different aspects.
It sounds like he wants to help you so much, that you 'shouldn't' need a forum. But the reality is, he hasn't lived your experiences. He can't know what it's like to live in your head.
To leave the forum is your decision. But you need to do it for you - not for him. If it's purely for him - then I don't see it as being a healthy step for you.
I can't remember if you are on meds or not (my brain is a foggy mess at the moment). You may need a slight increase or to commence a new medication - to help you through. Or talking with a psychologist experienced in your MI could help.
You do not deserve to be punished any further than your MI is currently punishing you.
You deserve to feel better. You deserve to be supported. Sometimes our loved ones can't be our support. Sometimes they just don't get it.
Whatever your decision, I'll be thinking of you and hoping you are doing well. If you do leave, you can come back at any time. Our arms will be open.
You may like to call the SANE line and speak to @NikNik or one of the @moderators & explain what is happening at home. They have experience in this. They understand that some family members try to help, but don't know what they are doing.
Sending you a supportive hug ♥

[Change123]

@utopia

To be honest I dont want to give up the forum - its the only outlet I have - he doesnt want me to go to pyschologist or anything because the support groups states how that can often make us worse an dhe doesnt want me talking about personal stuff.

I'm such a mess right now balling my eyes out at work and cant stop, bitch boss just treats me with such contempt right to my face - like I'm only worth a peice of shit.  I guess Im feeling abandoned by partner and work always makes me feel like that lately. I just feel so worthless at the moment but I wont go on as I know it will just keep everything going around my head.

I'm going shopping after work so atleast that will calm me down - I hope. Definitely having a very strong brandy when I get home and just keep to myself and the dog.  

Thanks I appreciate everyone's support.

[utopia]

@Change123. Why is it his decision on how you treat / manage your health?
If you had heart disease or cancer - would you agree to go along with his decision not to have surgery - because he's heard some negative comments about surgery?
No, you would look to the expert - the heart specialist, the oncologist.
now you need to look to a specialist. A psychologist or a psychiatrist.
You talking with a specialist has nothing to do with him. They will be helping you.
Please - put yourself first. Go and talk to your gp about this.

[Former-Member]

@Change123

You probably dont want to hear any more from me ; my many words of wisdom!

I feel for you though so am going to say this.

take time off from that dreadful job it is bullying.

You have two major areas in your life work and home, personal relationship, affected strongly.

talk to someone please. can you get an earlier appointment.

you are holding in so much that you cant respond to work, personal. They are dictating to you how you should live your life.

Your hormones are jumping up and down in protest. They are telling you to get control back.

talk to a professional and release that pent up emotion please. xx

[utopia]

@Former-Member. Could you have a read through this thread and if able, explain how you and your hubby work with looking after your mental health.

[Former-Member]

Ok @utopia

Hi @Change123 I hope you don't mind me having a read. I have recently gone on a downhill spiral of depression and anxiety, and it's all very new for both me and my partner of 2.5 years. Only just in the last few days has he really sort of seen what this truely is. He too was not keen on my being on here talking to my "weird friends", when I first went to the psychologist he wanted to know what we said and got all offended thinking she was blaming it all on him, in fact when I first tried to tell him I was feeling depressed a few months ago he took it as a personal attack - like I was saying "you don't make me happy".

On the weekend I got very drunk which didn't turn out great mixed with my new medications. I ended up acting like a fool and saying some very hurtful things to his family and friends. The next day he was furious but somehow still managed to comfort me in a panic attack. I suggested to him on Monday that I might need some time in hospital - to which he replied "the looney bin?? You don't belong there"

I went to the psychiatrist yesterday who suggested in the first 10 minutes that I go to the hospital. It was only when I relaid that to my partner that it dawned on him that this is real, this isn't just me being a brat, or being lazy, or going through a sad patch. Thanks to the support of the people on this forum, I had already thought out what to say to him. I gently asked him not to refer to hospital as the "looney bin" as its highly likely I will need To go there at some point, and calling it that is very hurtful. It's not my fault this is happening to me, it's not his fault it's happening to me. It's just something that's happening in my brain and I need to get help from a specialist, get proper therapy so I can learn to cope with this and continue to live a happy life with him, have kids, all the things we plan to do.

He admitted he doesn't know what to do with me - he said "I don't know how to do enough to help you" and I said "you are doing exactly what a loving partner should do, and everything you can". He said "but it's not enough" so I said "that's why I need professional help and why I might really benefit from a hospital stay."

He has refused to speak to a psychologist or anyone about how he is feeling but I've noticed he has been more attentive and realised from some of the things he has said that he has been researching on the internet about depression and how to cope/help a partner with depression.

Does your partner acknowledge that you have MI? Perhaps you could find some info on the internet, aimed at carers/partners of someone with MI, and ask him if he can read it or maybe you can read it together? It sounds like whatever has happened in the last few days has really upset him. Maybe you can give him some time to digest what happened and then sit down and really talk.

I am no expert at any of this - as I said this is all so new to me so I'm just telling you my story. One of the other things my partner said (when he finally opened up to me) was that he is really scared of what's happening to me. Perhaps your partner is feeling the same fear and is scared of the unknown? Scared of what the future may hold?
I wish you all the best and if it's ok I will keep following your thread to see how you are doing. I feel for you because I know how hard it is when family want to just make like there's no problem, or that you're making it out to be a bigger issue than it is (don't get my started on my mother!). I really think it all comes down to not understanding mental illness. It's not about not caring for us. Sending peace and love x

[Bast]

Your post

Re: FEELING VERY LOST & DISAPPEARING FOR AWHILE

Hi Change123 

I feel so badly for you. Womanhood actually sucks sometimes and yet it is and incredible life building experience. I do get the hormonal racing, however my little party is now menopausal. Had the joys of peri and utterly drowned at night to the new found fabulousness of breast swelling and pain. I took courage as I do not ever discuss personal health issues (other than the I am insane stuff) with my Dr - and he laughed when I said I was concerned that I was experiencing days when my 12C would become a 12D. I did get really brave and told him that I was inappropriately touched at an early age, led to abject horror about having large breasts. Yep, my mother went for the denigration too - I obviously grew them on purpose. 

I did what I had too – only consume lille  wear really small and uncomfortable bras, keep your shoulders down, wear loose tops etc. and etc. 

Now after years of breast size managment success - hormones have got me again. The battle pre-period was always a major one. Now it feels like I have no ability to manage this - as per above. I am horrificantly self conscious and experience frequent pain. The GP has prescribed anti-fluid tabs however I am so worried at the moment about other dreadful things that I am scared to even try. I used to be proud to be a woman and now - the mood stuff, another round of depression and anxiety is really too hard.

My best to you honey!

Lotsa luv Bast

[Change123]

@Former-Member@Bast@utopia@Former-Member

Thanks I'm actually really touched by everyone's support.

@Former-Member

I think the main problem with my partner is his denial with his own mental health issues.  He was diagnosed as manic depressive (now called bipolar) over 25 years ago, intially on meds etc but then due to a stupid comment by a gp he had the realisation that he could cope without meds.  Thats when everything wen to shit but I did paly a part in that also with my bpd.  Since I was officially diagnosed 5 years ago and he has got information and even went to a support group who unfortunately have told him that I choose to act this way, I choose to treat him like this and the only thing to make me realise is to give me consequences for whenever I act out.  So since then he truly believes that I am BPD but as far as he is concerned he now blames his entire life on me and bpd and how me and my family have ruined his life. He says its my baggage and he is sick of it effecting his life, he doesnt take responsiblity for his reactions to me as its my fault because if I didnt do what ever it was to cause the reaction it wouldnt happen.........

@Bast

Yes now that I have my periods back my boobs have gone down but yes they literally felt like they were going to burst, I have always been small so this was a surprise but now they have deflated back down as well as me.  You get this bloated round look and then when I got my periods back its like I deflated back down and I have actually lost a bit of weight - which is the only good thing.

I'm ok this morning really struggled yesterday afternoon here at work, couldnt stop crying.  First time since I had started that I left without saying goodbye to the owners or my boss.  This morning the male owner is nice to me but will see when the other one walks in.

Even though my partner is still not talking to me, I had a big strong brandy when I got home, played with my dog and after tea just veged out to some tv - oh bought some chocolate I wouldnt normally eat as  treat for me (lindt mango - very nice!).

Anyway will see my gp tomorrow morning and discuss either different meds to cope with this hormonal shit or something just for hormones.