Lived Experience Forum

[Change123]

Hi All @utopia@Former-Member@BlueBay@Shaz51@Former-Member@Owlunar@Former-Member@Sahara@outlander@Lunar @Baileyboy @oceangirl

Yesterday I did a lot of soul searching after being betrayed again by work.  We have been on a 4 day week for about 18 months and last 2 months the work has increased and everyone is back to 5 days, the part time receptionist who's normal hours were 4 hours per day has had them increased to 4 days a week with full time hours and it seemed it was just me and another employee who wasnt back yet.  A couple of weeks ago I asked my direct supervisor why as employees are asking me why I'm not back and I'm the HR manager. He stated to me that the other employee was still not needed so I'm not the only one and soon I would be back.  Then I find out from an innocent conversation yesterday with another employee that this employee who is on 4 days a week is because he has requested that to help with finances (bit fo a tax dodge I think).  So I am the only one signalled out to not come back 5 days yet and they lied about it, then 5 mins after I find this out and was very very hurt the owner asked me some questions about an employee and his LSL. In the past she has told me I give her and others too much information and I'm "too professional" so I have been just giving her the information she wants - now she is having a go at me for not giving her information that she hasnt even asked for - I guess I have to shine that crystal ball a bit harder! So I wasnt in a good place to say the least and now this morning like they are trying to get a rise out of me the owner, my boss and another supervisor are having a meeting about HR issues which I'm not included in! and I'm the HR manager.

I realised through all my pain that like so many others have said, I never get to say what is on my mind, how I'm feeling whether its wrong or right and I can feel it bubbling over so whether to below is just a rant, raw emotions I just want to be rid of it so I will try to put my true feeling and emotions out.

Please note none of the below is directed at anyone here it is directed at all the people who made us come here and is very raw and honest so may offend some.

Work

What have I done to be treated in this manner, you do nothing but play mind games with me, bully me, try your hardest to rip my soul out and to destroy me and yet stupidly I still put in 100% effort but I'm here because there are no other jobs in my area - I'm still looking and as the only income earner I have no choice.  So you arseholes f  k! you and your cold cruel hearts that seem to take pleasure in ripping other people apart.  I have seen so many employees here treated like this and you move from one to the other like some dark foul stench who needs to suck the life and emotion out of good people to make you survive.  I hope you 3 end up lonely and miserable for the rest of your life (as you are now).

Society

What sort of a cruel sick world this is when the most vulnerable people are treated like a piece of crap on the bottom of your shoe.  I'm sick of people being cold, cruel, selfish and heartless.  And yet you have the f..ken nerve to call BPD people mean and how we enjoy hurting others. Go f..k! yourselves you horrible ruthless people I dont want anything to do with you and your nasty mean ways!

Mother

You bitch! how could you let my father abuse me verbally, pyschologically and then sexually inappropriate and turn around and say "but he is your father" you sick bitch - I was 8 years old!  how the f..K do you live with yourself!!!  I hope  you die lonley and miserable and it will be a great weight lifted off my shoulders when you and your toxic evil ways are gone.

Suicide - friend or foe

I dont know, it sits on my shoulders day to day like a friend.  Even when I'm well the thought still sneaks in but it doesnt scare me.  I dont want to die, what I want is to be in peace and left alone and the thought of going to sleep and never waking up actually puts a smile on my face. It also reminds me that life is precious and not to take things for granted.  But I still have this feeling inside me that one day I will make my choice and be in peace for ever - this comforts me a lot.

I have to admit this does make me feel "lighter" so hopefully it has helped.  I'm sorry if my raw feeling have offended anyone but I felt I needed to get it out as I dont have anyone I can talk to. 

If anyone wants to use this thread as a way of venting their feelings go for it!

[Former-Member]

hello @Change123

Great Scott you have done what I have wanted to do for so long.

I hope that has eased some of the heaviness and build up.

I dont want to respond to particular situations or people in your rant. I feel that you are too vulnerable for me to trample all over your feelings. That is certainly not my wish.

I have the utmost respect for you Change and in reading your story can only start to begin to imagine your pain. Yes it is your pain. It has probably been buried too deeply for a long time. Understandably. There has to be a time specific to the individual person concerned, where they can open up that mucky mess and face whatever comes to mind without being totally overwhelmed.

You have every right to feel so enraged. Please tell yourself that. Those feelings are yours and in releasing some of them you are to be honoured for your bravery.

As for the SI (I think it is referred to in that way on here) I hear everything that you have said. I agree with everything that you have said. I know only too well that feeling of calm when those thoughts flash across the mind or linger and play with the mind. I know about wanting to sleep, like returning to birth.

So I want to say to you yes they are real feelings and valid feelings. I do not want to underestimate them or insult you. I want to let you know that I have got to know you on here. I have seen your empathy, your humour, your love and compassion. That is real too. That is valid too.

So as hard as it is for you, yourself, to believe me, I want to tell you how important you are, how much you have helped myself in the circle of trust and even before when I first came on this site in such a state. You have helped so many others too.

If you are still noticing thoughts of SI, please ring lifeline just to tell them so. Tell them that you need to be heard.

Come back to here when you need, dont worry about how often. I will respond when I can. Others will too.

I will be back on here later this afternoon and if I haven't found you later this evening.

I have two cats who would love you to talk to them. Let us call them alpha and beta for confidentiality purposes. You can tell me about your pets if you have some.

Very quickly, when I was growing up I wanted a chimpanzee, a lion and an elephant.

Did you have any unusual pets that you would loved to have had?

[outlander]

hi @Change123

im not really sure hoe to respond but you are being heard

im all ears and open to whatever you have to say. vent away as much as you like

im glad it has made you feel a little lighter, i too am in the same position of no one to talk to outisde the forums unless i have to argue with someone or it turns into an arugument so i really get it

i also second what @Former-Member has said about you being empathietic kind caring and so much more. i do remember you helping me when i was in a spot of bother before as well

and all you feelings are very much valid and are are there

i have dealt wit SH and SI and know it all to well but they are real feelings

[Change123]

Hi @Former-Member@outlander

Thanks for your caring responses, I just wanted to set straight I'm not meaning I'm suicidal at the moment which I'm not but simply addressed the fact that while I'm ok this never leaves me even when I'm well and in fact I use to imagine what it would be like dieing when I was very young.  I never wanted to die or even take action but those thoughts are always there and not in a desperate sort of way.  I guess it made me think of that when I read someone's elses post (sorry cant remember who) how we never talk about it and its not always that we are scared or want it but we think it a lot.  So I was just being extremely honest with myself.

One good thing whilst I'm not religious I believe in karma and that has happened this morning to my direct boss who lied to me and betrayed me.  He too was just betrayed by the owner and is massively hurt and pissed off.  If I wasnt the person I was I would have gone up to him and said " see not so nice when your on the other foot is it!" so instead I have taken solace in the fact that he got what he deserved.

I actually did find it theraputic my rant, especially about my mother - I hate her so much and feel some of that has come out now as I feel quite calm and peaceful now.  I dont expect a reply but I'm glad I had some, it was just a way of trying to give myself inner peace.

I'm ok and will be better when I go home in 3.5 hours who is counting!!!!!

[Former-Member]

hello @Change123 @outlander

Thank you for taking the time to let us know how you are feeling now and reassure us.

As you can tell from our responses and you have referred to in your response, we genuinely do care.

As for whether or not you felt that way I believe that one can never assume.

I always take the mention of having the thoughts as there might be a possibility, none of us have any way of knowing for sure. Therefore take it seriously.

Can understand about the karma thing with your boss. Good that you rose above his level. As for the owner, does not sound like a person to trust.

Apologies about the length as I did not realise that you were at work.

Write when you can xxx

@outlander a lovely response from you for Change. Written from the heart. You show great empathy and compassion also. Something to remind yourself of when feeling low, as we all need reminding the same. Easier said than done sometimes. xxx

[Change123]

@Former-Member Please dont apologise, I am at work but obviously not so focussed and to be honest I nearly didnt com in today but damn worth ethic got in the way.  I have never taken time out because of MI or anything else.  

I welcomed the distraction it has helped me get through today and believe me I am feeling better by the minute.

Yes the owners are complete narcassistic mean shallow people who believe they are always right and everyone is wrong.  Everyone has to bend to their way even suppliers, they get paid on our terms not theirs and if the wife owner gets pissed off with the smallest thing to do with a supplier she will put off payment as long as she can just to wind them up.  Most customers ask for payment upfront from us now because of this its very embaressing.

Anyway thanks for giving me the opporunity to spill my guts so to speak!

[outlander]

You can rant and rave as much as you like @Change123

Im glad you dont have the intentions of acting os suicide and im.very glad your not suicidal
I have been in that spot where i have intended to act on the plans i had and did want to die and thats very recently so im trying to work away from that. I get how the thoughts are always there even without any intentions at all. Funny thing the brain and how it works.


Yes i too believe in karma and your example is a good one

Im glad that rant was abit therapeutic for you. Sometimes it really is just to be heard and understood


And thank you @Former-Member. I too see those features within yourself as well as change

[utopia]

@Change123. I hear you! I really do.
Work - you expressed exactly what my workplace did to me and other staff. We were replaceable. So lets get the most out of them. And because I live in a rural area, where jobs are very hard to find, they know they can keep pushing us to breaking point.
Society - I think of this more as Government and big business. Reducing payments and services to the most needy. All the while saying we have a plan to help the disabled livemore ffulfilling lives and we are working to reduce suicide. All the while - their policies lead to more deaths and illness.
So yes. I agree. The world is nuts! It seems to be run by lunatics with no moral compass.
We aren't nuts or lunatics. We are people simply living with MI's. And we have more logic and more compassion and morals than these leaders ever will.
Thank you for your 'rant'. It's enabled me to share my 'rant'.
Remember - we are simply living with mental illness. It's the lunatics that are running the asylum. So, in reality - I guess you could call us the SANE ones.
Hay. Great name for a forum. Lol

[utopia]

@Former-Member @Change123.
I wanted a dolphin and a whale - an Orca to be exact.
Mum said there was no room. I said the dolphin could have the bathtub & the Orca could have the swimming pool.
Mum offered me a horse. Nope. Couldn't think of a horse as being an exciting pet to own. So I got nothing. Lol.

[Former-Member]

hello @utopia @Change123 @outlander

love it makes perfect sense to me. your mum should have praised you for having such a well thought out plan re the bath and the swimming pool.

my mum just said that the chimpanzee would make too much mess and breakage. As for the lion and the elephant I just got "the look".

lovely to see your humour back Utopia.

I realise that you are still working very hard on your road to recovery. xx