Lived Experience Forum

[Historylover]

I've tried not to post but I feel so 'finished'. I don't know what to do. You know I've been determined not to let this situation get the better of me, even though there was little hope of succeeding. And again, I've failed. I don't see any reason to keep trying because the outcome is always the same. My ex-psy sure did a number on me. He has thoroughly closed all paths. I can't even move from this location and I can't stay. It's just moment-by-moment 'existence'.

I've finished my course unit and it will be several weeks before the next one begins. I wonder whether I'll get an appropriate assessment or whether the teacher's personal attitude to me will prevail. With their biased assessment, it's been unpleasant to try to work through. Certain university 'types' look after their own kind, and as I've always had my path to success blocked, they want to maintain the status quo. We started with a large number of students and about 3 persisted with all optional work, and no-one zoomed in for regular sessions. What a farce! I guess they get paid regardless, and the more drop out–the less work they have to do, and the fewer succeed in their dreams. I need inspiration to apply myself and they don't instill it. I'm trying to find alternative courses of interest, but there are none to date. 

I've come to the end of the line, I think. Everyone has been waiting for it, and they've been so patient. I just don't know how to keep going or why I should bother. 

Your support has pulled me out of the deepest despair on earlier occasions, but it's just a matter of time until I burn out. It has given me another two years of life, and I've achieved several other matters I wanted to, despite the obstacles. But I just don't fit anywhere. Never have, and it's even worse now that my ex-psy has so maliciously set me up for this isolation. How I would have loved to have outplayed him. I feel like the walking dead, and it shows.  

I would like to get my assignment results–just for interest sake–and see another birthday next month. Other than that, I can only say life has been hell. Still safe.

[TuxedoCat]

@Historylover ❤️ You are special and loved by the forumites here. It's not fair that you're feeling this way and that these things have happened.

Sitting with you,

TuxedoCat

[Paperdaisy]

My heart breaks for you @Historylover so sorry to read you are feeling this way.

We are here for you in any way we can be. 

I know you have seen these resources before but I just wanted to remind you of them Peer-support-Suicide-Prevention-Resources 

Sitting with you 💝

Please stay safe 

[Historylover]

I just don't know what to do @Paperdaisy, @TuxedoCat. I am having difficulty holding myself together. I'm just so distressed. I've been looking for a psychiatrist and came across one, but when I did a search, found that he had been on charges for overstepping with a patient and had been found guilty. It reminded me of my relationship with mine, although ours was always 'understood', not practised–and ours was friendship only, not romantic. I may see another, it just depends on how I recover from this 'crash'.

I've been looking at buying a unit for some time, but went off the idea as the only ones affordable were retirement villages or modern, not ground level, or simply not 'me'. I'm just worried that if I get to the stage of signing a contract, that I will get cold feet again–for the third time ... or that I won't be here to see it through. I just don't know what to do about anything. So I remain trapped in this spider's web.

[Paperdaisy]

I hear you @Historylover I think that's so incredibly strong and brave of you to seek out a new psychiatrist after the things that have happened. It shows great determination and I think that's an asset when navigating this world of mental health. I truly hope you will find the right professional. You deserve support and you shouldn't have to go through this alone, it's too hard. 

Buying is a big step and it's positive you are looking forwards. Don't put too much pressure on yourself, it will happen when the time is right. 

[Krishna]

Hi @Historylover from what I’ve read you have persevered against all odds and that shows true inner strength and determination. Good qualities to have in trying times. Moment by precious moment is all we ever have and I admire your persistence in seeing things through. I’m hoping you can find another course that grabs your attention soon. I’m on a search for one myself at the moment. Also hoping you receive the results you deserve with your assessment as it sounds like you’ve certainly put the work in to warrant same. 🙏

[Historylover]

Feeling a little better at the moment, @Paperdaisy, @Krishna and @TuxedoCat. THANK YOU! I considered looking for a psychiatrist to get me over this hump, but they just don't measure up well by my measure. Unlike others, I don't see again resorting to a therapist as a step forward. Mine re-built me to be strong and resilient, despite buckling sometimes. I'm of the mindset that if a psychiatrist can't get patients to an end of treatment where they are both cured and medication-free, they either haven't known what they are doing, or they haven't been using their 'skills', just filling their appointment book. Mine put me through a hell I could not have previously imagined. That I am still standing is testament to the strength he instilled in me, and his guidance. I am probably on this forum because he 'led' me here. He is so in control of me that sometimes I feel like his puppet. Treatment is not supposed to be a career. It's supposed to be a means to an end. Perhaps we just haven't finished what we started yet? Time will tell...

My consideration re seeing a psychiatrist would have only been for one or two appointments to get me back on my feet. I am doing well although it is really tough going sometimes, but as they say–when the going gets tough, the tough get going.

So thanks–as usual–to you several, kind, responding forumites, I am again re-balanced and not looking for a psychiatrist–or a unit, for now. I think this may have a while to play out yet before I can get my head around why my ex-psychiatrist did to me what he did. If only he would talk to me. He'll either cause my death by his action, or he'll achieve his objective 'by (ongoing) remote control' as he always did, only without being part of my future. The fact that I am still standing, that I am still achieving things (university studies) I would never have previously dreamed possible, is suggesting that he is still in control of my life's direction. The psychiatrist I knew would never have let anything happen to me. That's why this has all been so bewildering and deeply traumatizing.

So, as you can see, I have many different opinions to how psychiatry should be practised. I know what can be achieved. I am living proof. It's perhaps just that I'm still a work in progress.

Cheers for now. I have to watch Back Roads on King Island. My brother lives there. 

Love and gratitude to you.🥰xxx

[TuxedoCat]

Big love @Historylover ❤️ Rest well this evening xxx

[Historylover]

Love to you too, @TuxedoCat. Take care and thank you.

[Historylover]

I'm feeling much more positive today, @Krishna. I meant to reply to you last night, but I was just feeling too exhausted. Today is another day. Thank you for your response. I tried to pull myself out of the gloom as I know that every time I post here in deep need, supportive responses lift me out of it–so I tried to do the same for myself without posting. But it didn't work and I needed the support provided by my fellow forumites, and again it worked. 

Today, I'll get back into my studying. There are so many choices for courses out there that it can be difficult to make a choice. And yes, I certainly did give my assignments my all. It's so disappointing when teachers don't respect such students and act out their preconceived ideas about them, ignoring their folly. I hope you find a good course to suit your needs. Have a good day.