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Historylover
Senior Contributor

Still damned safe

Hello my friends. I was going to post on another site so that I didn't have to bother you, but I needed to be here where I have found the best of people, the most understanding, and a true sense of support and belonging over the past several years. I'm not sure if it's been 2 or 3 years, but they've been hell and I wouldn't have made it to this point without you all.

 

I'm almost two assessments into my next course that starts tomorrow. It's going alright, but it's difficult to concentrate when intense unhappiness and suicidal thoughts continuously flood my mind. I'm getting a head start so that I can concentrate on the major PowerPoint presentation that is one more assessment away. I haven't done one before. It will be a challenge. I hope I can figure it out as I have no-one to help me. If I can, at least I will have a sense of achievement.

 

I feel like hell. I can't find any enjoyment in life. I don't fit anywhere and am not going to try anymore. I may as well walk into a room and say to all and sundry, "I know, you don't like me, I won't bother you further. Just blame me for everything".

 

I had wanted to have another birthday, achieved, before I had enough of this suffering, then to get my assessment grades, achieved. At the moment, my only thing left to do is finish this current 10 week course component. I haven't made any other plans beyond that, and that's a big scary. I hurt, I continuously hurt and it's all so tiring, and happiness- and soul-destroying.

 

I've completely given up on people in the real world now and can't see any point in trying any more. I have spent my life being the person everybody hates. When I was young, I used to be traumatized by it and couldn't figure out what I had done wrong. I could walk into a room of complete strangers and everyone would be looking at me as if to say "That's her. Everything is all her fault". Many years later, I came to the realization that I had done nothing wrong. It was just the way others tried to control me, make me feel guilty for something, anything, make me grovel to be accepted. So now I just work around them all and don't give them any attention. 

 

My course teachers are having the same effect on me. My face is prickling every time I see their faces on video, and I know they are grading me and criticizing my work differently to others. I decided to just keep going anyway. If I was young, I would have decided to drop out. If I keep going despite them, they have no reason to be nice to me, and it all gets rather unpleasant. I always keep a low profile and try not to draw attention to myself. And I try not to ask questions. I had really wanted to continue with my studies beyond my current course, but devoid of any happiness in life, it doesn't compensate.

 

Memories of my ex-psychiatrist keep churning in my mind and I still swing from both extremes of thinking well of the person I knew him to be, then swinging back to the realization that he wasn't the person I thought. It really hurts to think I spent years in the enemy's camp, allowing myself to be experimented on, duped, sabotaged, tricked and robbed of everything I need to survive. I'm still swinging about in that spider's web. I can't reconcile these thoughts and the only time there is any 'pleasantness' in my life is when my brain tricks me into thinking it will all be alright. It won't. I hurt so very much. This is all so damned unfair. 

 

In my spare time, I get my affairs in order. It's soul destroying to have done your best for everyone despite them, and it was all for nothing. I just wanted to get my own and birth family back on track. It was all just a waste of my life. If I had just looked after myself, I couldn't live with myself. They don't have any such reservations. Go figure. How do they get away with it? They are all just waiting for me to die and I'm just keeping them waiting.

 

I hurt. So very damned much. 

54 REPLIES 54

Re: Still damned safe

Hey @Historylover 

Thank you for sharing what is going on for you right now. I am so sorry you have been through the experiences that you have. I wish I could somehow take all that hurt away from you.

Keeping yourself safe when everything feels awful can be so hard. 

I hope that you are able to finish that Powerpoint and feel a much-deserved sense of accomplishment! Studying is hard enough, let alone when life is feeling tough too.

 

While we may not have the answers, we are all sitting with you here. You are such a valued member of this community  💛

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Still damned safe

Hey @Historylover I feel what you are saying. I too keep trying and pushing though to no avail I’m just thinking if I should give up and be on disability support pension. Life’s not getting any easier for me. I have a dad that has a toxic positivity thing about him and doesn’t truly understand what I go through. After hearing my diagnosis my mother too from super supportive for everything that I did to still doing stuff for me but has a bit of toxicity about how she treats me not to mention minor sexual assault from her 3 times. It’s hard to fathom why I keep pushing on, the views I had before my diagnosis I’m still holding onto in hopes that things pan out but these early stages of not knowing how things will be has me super worried.


no one tries to reach out to me I feel though I have a family no one is helping and I’m all alone. I’ve just had to disclose my mental health situation at my full time work unwillingly and people there treat me differently except a few individuals and when I try to talk about my problems at home no one believes me. I’m being true to myself, I’m kind I’m caring… but none of this matters if you don’t have the normal factor about you I find.

 

just being thrown out to fend for yourself with no guide can be daunting and challenging with a mental health diagnosis. It’s frustrating, I find opening up to normal people as a no go zone and it shows how I conduct my daily when I’m around these people. Just too different. I find this is the most I’ve spoken to someone in ages cause here people actually get it, everyday there’s a tragic story on here and I feel like I’m living it too I hear the unfairness and I know you’ve commented on my stories in the past with some understanding but didn’t know I will live it from the sounds of it forever it’s just hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel when all the little things aren’t being acknowledged. 

I don’t know how to end this but I feel what you are saying on a deep level and can’t understand why it has to be this way. I hope you keep pushing on cause just as many bad people are out there there are good people too. Just there silence kills. And I remember being normal too and I miss the emptiness of nothing happening of course you get the happiness and sadness but life was never as hard as being disabled it’s hard to feel safe at times. And daily my fighting and hope seems to reduce. 

im trying to get to a meet up group for people with my issues but just been too busy with work and sport on the weekend. Sorry for the babble but I feel we are at the same place mentally so I thought I would add my 2 cents 

 

itsjustme1

 

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Still damned safe

And another thing re psych, I too have never felt truly like he’s doing things out of helping people but he’s just there to do his job and when I tell him my problems he just looks at me, not to mention when I told him the medication affects my memory he like you can do without it this is the best meds we’ve got … not the exact words but you get the jist @Historylover and it shows with the people and the work don’t know how I’ve survived into my third month 

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Still damned safe

@Historylover You’ve given me the courage to be a bit more open about my diagnosis, life’s unfair sometimes just deal with it I suppose I hate hiding it I rather be hated for what I am than loved for someone I’m not, and how much worse can it get right, it’s already pretty bad it just shows in me I suppose 

Re: Still damned safe

I know you posted this a few hours ago @Historylover  but I just want to stress how important you are to us in the forums. I am sorry you have been dealt such a bad deal in this life.

 

I have just started my next course of 10 weeks so maybe we can encourage each other each week and then celebrate together at the end with a party ready to face the future.

 

one day at a time 💜🤗

Re: Still damned safe

@Historylover 

I am sad you are hurting so much at the moment.  I am glad you are safe, and I feel for the conflicting feelings behind the "damned safe". Not sure what your process is, Or you @Former-Member ) I really am becoming to believe there are no proper steps even ... to getting through ... but that each path is woven with respect to each persons strengths, experiences and stories.  It is great that you persevere with study despite feeling judged and so self conscious.  Keep at it. You are a doer.  Keep chipping away at this odd life we have so many twists and turns.  Retreat for security when you need to and reach out, when the impulse arises.  I wish your layers of self consciousness will eventually fall away and you can feel at home in your skin as you deal with others in all levels in this mixed up society.

 

Before, I could expose my pain and vulnerability, I could get on my high horse ... with ... a plan ... I'll give you a plan ... ten plans ... dadadadada. I would alternate between rage and despair and pain. Yet, somehow I am finding a way through and feeling more optimistic and connected than ever.  Then I get all worried and see obstacles, and imagine all sorts of mental responses, but then when I re-engage, I find a weirdness that I can be wholeheartedly me, but the obstacle has shifted slightly and I can deal with the person, in a way that is more of a win/win experience.  Slowly, I am really feeling a lot more connected with the people in this new church .... weird synchronicities ... like I was worried about a lady and then she pipes up that she born in the same city as my family ... surprise surprise and some spontaneous mutually satisfying conversation ensues.

 

It seems to be about integrating our whole experience and personality.  Sending you both best wishes for your decisions and stepping stones into life.

 

Re: Still damned safe

You fit in here on the forum @Historylover 

 

You were one of the first people I connected with when I joined about 18 months ago.

 

I'm sorry that things are so dark for you at the moment.

 

Sitting with you.

 

Take care,

RedHorse 🌹🐴

Re: Still damned safe

I stayed checking in for a while last night, @Eve7 , but thought only the  kindly @Peregrinefalcon and @Former-Member were going to respond, and I was in dire need of a rally to pull me up so that I could respond. I stopped checking in to save myself from disappointment. It was so nice to find others have responded now too.

 

I'm pleased you've started a new course too. I have a passion for learning and trying to fill my life with things that are important to me. Study is chief. I doubt that I'll give my course up in despair. It gets me out of bed each day and makes me a more complete person. I love it. 

 

I'll look forward to the end of course party @Eve7. Take care.

Re: Still damned safe

I didn't stay around last night @RedHorse. I couldn't take any more check-ins. I was just feeling too low.

 

Thank you for responding. I well remember our first contact, and as I recall you were living in a caravan and enduring all sorts of difficulties. It's good to see that you have found some reason to stay with the forum and I hope your difficulties have lightened a little.

 

Thank you for responding to my post. Support means everything, doesn't it? 

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