Lived Experience Forum

[bertie1]

I've just joined. In the past I have shied away from forums like this because I was embarrassed and believed that hearing the stories of others would only make my condition worse. I want to tell my story. Maybe it will help others.

I am 56 years of age. I am divorced and I now live in Qld. I live alone, partly by choice. During my 30s and 40s I was high functioning. I had a couple of careers and was happily married for 10 years.  Nevertheless, since childhood I have experienced episodes of intense, painful and debilitating "loss of emotional control".  It was just called separation anxiety back then, and it was believed it would resolve as I got into my teens. It didn't, and at the age of 23 I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder (MDD). Medications pretty much snapped me out of the worst of it however I continue to experience very painful and distressing episodes of loss of emotional control - usually when someone leaves me or when I feel abandoned - such as when my wife left me, when I tried to move to a new town, and when my dog died. For the past 20 years I've tried to tell my (numerous) psychiatrists about these ongoing problems. They fixate on the depression only. They talk of increasing the dose of this medication, or trying me on this new one etc. So, I decided it was time to take matters more into my own hands. I did some research (legitimate stuff, not social media or google). I've discovered the world of 'emotional dysregulation' (ED) and personality disorders (PDs). ED is characterised by feelings of "loss of emotional control" to the extent that it interferes with "normal" mental functioning and/or behavior - e.g., debilitating emotional 'breakdowns', inability to sustain relationships, cycling between jobs, mistrust of others, feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, worry over being abandoned, acting aggressively in response to perceptions of being abandoned. ED often starts in early life. There are many other symptoms of ED. ED is considered as linked to a group of mental 'conditions' referred to as personality disorders (PDs) - including social anxiety, anti-social personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, narcist personality disorder etc. etc. .

None of this has ever been mentioned to me before by any medical practitioner even though it's been studied and reported on for at least 20 years in overseas medical and scientific journals and texts. They even have treatment regimens.

When I was young there was a saying "if you develop a mental illness in Qld. the first thing you should do is more interstate". I now really doubt the quality of mental health care in Queensland (and to be honest, Australia generally). 

Now comes the tricky part - finding appropriate care. I have decided to draw a line under my past (I am continuing to take the depression medications). I am looking to find a GP with a special interest in mental health - with whom I can establish a mutually respectful relationship. I am done with doctors talking down to me - and 'sparing me' 7 minutes of their very precious time. When I find that GP I will ask her/him to find me a suitable specialist. This may be a new psychiatrist or a psychologist. I will go and see this specialist, but if I don't think they are rowing in the same direction as me I will ask to see another, then another, then another, until I find the right person. I will tell that specialist that while I know I have MDD, I also firmly believe I have symptoms of a PD - then we will go from there. I am actually optimistic about this approach to the extent that if it works out, I may gain a better understanding of my mental health challenges, and develop more effective ways of managing it other than rolling into the fetal position, and feeling as though the ground has completely fallen away.

Message - keep trying, if you are not getting results, chances are you need to find someone else to help. Don't just blame yourself and tell yourself you are forever broken.

[amber22]

Hey there @bertie1 

Welcome to the forums, I am glad that you gave the forums a go on the other sites, and I hope this one is the right one for you. Thank you so much for sharing your story and what you have gone through during your life. That is no doubt going to help so many other members.

You've already helped me by educating me on what emotional dysregulation is. I think that relates to a lot of what I feel actually and I never am able to understand why I am feeling like I am. I will do some further research into that one.

Thank you for sharing again,

I look forward to connecting with you more on the forums, 

Amber22

[Little_Leopard]

@bertie1 From what you described in the top of your post it sounded like Something similar to BPD. The as I scrolled down I read that you already came to that conclusion yourself. We are not aloud to give advice about diagnosis here but there are a ton of people who completely understand your situation. 
It’s good that you finally decided to talk about this. Suppressing will not works. Just causes more shame further emotional dysregulation . 
there are many good and helpful treatments for “personality disorders” these days.

[Little_Leopard]

@bertie1  From what you described in the top of your post it sounded like Something similar to BPD. The as I scrolled down I read that you already came to that conclusion yourself. We are not aloud to give advice about diagnosis here but there are a ton of people who completely understand your situation. 
It’s good that you finally decided to talk about this. Suppressing will not works. Just causes more shame further emotional dysregulation . 
there are many good and helpful treatments for “personality disorders” these days.

[bertie1]

Yeah.....only 35 years late. Anway, its been an interesting ride, but now its time to hop off the ride - i.e., start getting some help for this condition. Not all that easy where I am however, lack of resources and interest in this area of mental health.

[tyme]

Hey @bertie1 ,

Have you tried any online treatments for personality disorders or to support you with better managing emotions?

[bertie1]

Just starting down the yellow brick road. Looking for a wizard to give me a new set of healthy emotions. You youngster's may not get the reference to Wizard of Oz. Dorothy and 3 others (a lion, a strawman, and a tinman) journey along the yellow brick road to visit the great and wise Wizard of Oz. Dorothy wants to see if he can get her home to Kansas. The Lion is looking for courage, the strawman is looking for a brain, and the tinman is looking for a heart. On the journey, they go through some challenges and in the end realise they already have what they want - and that the Wizard is in fact a sham.

Good lesson for life. It's often the journey, not the end, that is most important.