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Plant0wan
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I think I have BPD

Hello so I think I developed BPD early 2021. So basically my first real experience was when I was at campus doing a degree. Everything was fine back in 2020 besides anxiety issues and a few other mental health problems. In 2021 I started having ideas really weird ones. I was at campus and someone sorta tripped into me. I though nothing of it really and thought okay maybe an accident. Later that day I saw some people laughing and felt like they were laughing and looking at me when doing so. Then as we were doing some practical work felt like I was being left out on purpose and thats when it all started to begin.

I started having thoughts like its a conspiracy like they were communicating via some app or something to try and mess with my head but in a sneaky way as to not be too obvious. A few weeks after same sorta thing happened. Felt like for whatever reason everyone was leaving me out again and purposely not talking to me just to mess with my head and for whatever reason I though I knew who was causing it like he was the ring leader or something. I then grabbed a tool which from memory was a mattock went strait up to him and went to push the tool towards his face but I managed to pull away just before it hit him in the face. After that he completed avoided me and i think I made him scared. A while after on another day we went on an excursion. Everything was fine until the very end. I had noticed everyone was gone so i went out to the front of this place and saw everyone was waiting there. I then accused the teacher of abandoning me, she said no and i just said "whatever then" and i then walked off. On another date and time I sent email for an assignment because I needed some help well actually a few during lockdown. I got some responses but then I though this other trainer was ignoring me and trying to make me fail my degree. I then made formal complaints and the trainer had called me and helped out but then the same thing happened with other trainer over and over again like it was a pattern and they started to notice.
Some of the times I was there and started going into a strange psychosis but it wasn't like a schizophrenic psychosis because there were no hallucinations, and the delusions weren't too bizarre in my opinion. Sometimes they would come up to me and ask if im doing okay, I would always say "I'm fine" and after that they class would be over for the day like as if there is a duty of care to end the session if someone seems to be acting strange. Every time I went into these weird psychosis and feeling like everyone is ignoring me my pupils were so massive i couldn't even see the color in my eyes like im a demon or something lol. 


I eventually finished the course and got my certificate and everything was kinda fine until christmas day. I was fine most of the day then people were making slight jokes but not trying to hurt my feeling just being funny as normal people do. I for whatever reason took it the wrong way and accused everyone of harassing me then in my head I was raging like seriously bad like a psychopath. I then had a panic attack and left and came back later. When I went to sit down everything looks weird and felt like everyone was acting strange and boy that did my head in bad. Finally went home and took about 2 weeks to recover from it.

One thing about all that though is when I was at campus I really did get bullied on 2 of the days by one person. The reason I knew it wasn't in my head even now though it because it was direct and not misinterpreted. When that happens and if im corrent and i really have BPD and complete chaos. When it happened I made formal complaints, had talks with officials, and was raging in my head with thoughts of revenge, insomnia for days about it but luckily I was able to pull through and finish the course but just saying when someone with BPD actually does it bullied its basically chaos. Also some other times I was accusing the trainers of leaving me out of the group and literally felt like crying as i said it but only a few tears would come out because i tried to hold it in.

Until now I actually thought it was PTSD because apparently BPD it the female version of PTSD but the fact I felt ignored and abandoned many times and the rage makes me think its BPD. I don't even know how to get a diagnosis and even if they put me on anti psychotics im not going to take them because I have been on them before and i hate the way they make me feel and also the weight gain. its just not worth it.

9 REPLIES 9

Re: I think I have BPD

"Until now I actually thought it was PTSD because apparently BPD it the female version of PTSD"

Where did you see that? I have never seen that, they can have similar causes (and can overlap) but I have never seen reputable sources claim they are the same condition or gender specific.

This UK PTSD support site talks about the differences - https://www.ptsduk.org/ptsd-and-bpd/

To get a diagnosis you will need to find a psychiatrist, maybe search for one who does talk therapies too, not just drugs.. Or one that works with a psychologist, so you can talk about things with the psychologist and have the psychiatrist for backup and maybe diagnosis in the future?

Have you ever tried a psychologist or psychotherapist just to talk about the things you struggle with and develop strategies to deal with them?

Re: I think I have BPD

Hey @Plant0wan ,

 

Thank you for sharing your concerns in your post.

 

Have you spoken to a GP or professional about what you have been experiencing?

 

Also, to clarify, when you mentioned BPD, do you mean borderline personality disorder, or bipolar? (Only because these can often be mixed up). 

 

I'm not sure if what you are experiencing aligns with BPD. It's best to speak to a professional.

Re: I think I have BPD

Yeah I have seen a GP for anxiety and also saw him back in 2021 because I thought I was having stress induced psychosis which is why they put me on anti psychotics but i think its due to BPD. To clarify I mean borderline personality disorder

Re: I think I have BPD

Thank you for clarifying @Plant0wan .

 

I hope you get some answers soon.

 

Feel free to visit:

Topic Tuesday// Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Week 2022: 'See The Person'// Tues 27th Se... 

 

Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script 

 

You may gain some insight into BPD.

Re: I think I have BPD

Hi @Plant0wan , 

 

I’ve lived when BPD my entire adult life. I’m confused about what you have posted because it doesn’t sound like BPD at all. 

Was this diagnosis from a psychiatrist? 

BPD develops very slowly. It affects interpersonal relationships which results from emotional dysregulation.

 

Ive been in BPD-specific therapy over a number of years. This includes pschotherapy as opposed to medication. Medication supports co-occurring conditions, but has shown to be of little affect on BPD itself.

 

I think it’s a good idea to talk to your GP/therapist/psychiatrist about what you are experiencing so that you can perhaps get more targeted support for your mental health needs.

 

Please take care.

Re: I think I have BPD

By the way @Bipolarcarer , I absolutely support your post and agree wholeheartedly. 

Re: I think I have BPD

Hi @Plant0wan ,

 

The onset of your illness seems very sudden, I agree with @BPDSurvivor , mental illnesses usually take a while to develop and can be caused by many different factors. Your description of the Christmas gathering would have been stressful as I'm sure the people there meant no harm. Feeling left out and conspired against is definitely a symptom of BPD, have you tried talking to the people involved? If you felt fine before can you talk to some of your friends about what you are experiencing? You could also talk to a mental health professional and get some professional advice, self diagnosis is a good start but should only be used as a guide.

Re: I think I have BPD

Hi @Plant0wan 

 

I am a female with cPTSD and don't agree at all that bpd is the female version of BPD. Men can have BPD and females can have cPTSD. 

 

I agree with @Bipolarcarer @BPDSurvivor 

BPD is a personality disorder and there are specific treatments for personality disorders and specialists who treat it...that said...the psychosis you describe and the feelings of people being out to get you..I could be wrong but that is not related to BPD. BPD is a complex thing and I think needs to get diagnosed sensitively and in detail by someone exoerienced in the field. Sometimes I think clibicans give the diagnosis because they don't take the time to get to know the person and look at what's going on for them. Being distressed or sad or vulnerable doesn't mean bpd.

 

I also disagree with the other poster who said that feeling left out or conspired against are symptoms of bpd. I don't think these are symptoms of bpd. They are just feelings and diagnosing a personality disorder is a complex process as many traumatised people have symptoms similar to what you're describing.

 

Re: I think I have BPD

From what I know, your experiences don't sound like BPD... I'm wondering whether you've experienced psychotic symptoms but you're looking for a non psychotic diagnosis? I get that delusions can be disconcerting and there may be a lot of other stuff going on in your life you haven't mentioned. I'd suggest getting a mental health care plan and talking through your experiences with a psychologist who can take the time to help you sort out what's going on. I know personally I want someone outside myself to help me sort things through, especially when it comes to figuring out diagnosis. You could ask them to go through the DSM-5TR with you to help you understand why they think you've got whatever diagnosis they think is relevant... That's what my daughter's psychiatrist did with her. They could explain why they do or don't think bpd is relevant to you, or why another diagnosis is a better fit. 

 

My thoughts... If you did have delusions, the important thing is to manage your symptoms so they have minimal impact on your life, which is very possible. I've experienced delusions in the past, which was disconcerting, and I take medication, and for me antipsychotics are a very effective way of ensuring that it doesn't happen again... I've now been stable for years. But working in collaboration with a psychiatrist was crucial to getting to a point where my psychiatric illness doesn't impact my life. I'd encourage you to work with a psychologist if not psychiatrist (I know they're hard to access) to help you maximize your well-being.

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