Lived Experience Forum

[Abby54]

It started just after covid hit. I was made redundant and I wasn’t ready to retire. Lockdown after lockdown made life hell. My husband is an interstate truckie so is not home a lot and he’s not really supportive when he is, generous yes, but not emotionally. The black dog bit down hard and I was on meds for a few months. 
Trouble is I come good, fall down, cry a lot, am lonely and I miss him. But, after his heart attack and small stroke, his attitude changed. He became verbally abusive, controlling  and treated me like a child. So I started drinking. His mother was an alcoholic so the only way he had of trying to help was more verbal abuse. Vicious cycle.

after nearly 10 months apart, he’s started staying home 1-2 nights in the spare room. He’s “normal”, talking respectfully and omg buying me items. I’m so confused. I know he still loves me and I still have feelings for him but I’m scared of going into a relationship with him again for fear of the nastiness. 
I cry a lot. I just don’t know what to do. 

[tyme]

Welcome to the forums @Abby54 . 

Thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to reach out.

COVID has been a huge for most @Abby54 . The effects of COVID have been good for some and not so good for others. Yet we all have to agree that things have changed. We are now living a new kind of 'normal'. 

Whatever the relationship is or was, one thing that should not be accepted is abuse. I'd encourage you to reach out to 1800RESPECT 1800 737 732.

SANE also offers a drop-in counselling service if you ever find you'd like to speak to someone and perhaps gain the courage to bite that black dog back! They are available on 1800 187 263 (Monday to Friday 10am-10pm).

I cannot tell you what you should or should not do in terms of your relationship. However, I am here if you need a chat.

Do you have any professionals you can speak to? Or any friends/support people? Isolation can make things a lot worse.

[AussieRecharger]

Hey @Abby54 

I take it you have spoken to a GP to have ended up with Meds.  Before we look at your husband, how is your relationship with yourself?  Do you have goals you are trying to accomplish, hobbies or have a good group of friends you are active with?

When you are looking at your relationship with your husband, what is it about it that brings you joy and want to continue it?  Is it more than just possessions? 

[maddison]

Hi @Abby54 

Welcome to the forums. I hope you can find this a safe place. 

It is difficult to describe an entire picture of our lives in these small posts. I think you have done a good job of explaining important facets of your experience. It is a positive step to write about & share what has been happening for you. 

It sounds like many very big issues happened within short space of time. This can often be disarming, & confusing for sure!

I have found that since covid, everything is so amplified. Things that, in the past, maybe would have been relatively managable became much more difficult against the backdrop of pandemic.

Things that are usually very hard, have become overwhelming.

I think what you are saying is that after you & your husband's temporary separation, that you are finding it hard now to reconnect with each other once again.

Maybe some trust was broken & you are finding it difficult to open your heart to him again.

From what you mentioned, the two of you have been through an awful lot in the last few years. It doesn't sound unreasonable to me, that there is likely some more healing that needs to happen before you can begin to feel safe again.

As @tyme mentioned, abuse in any form is never ok.

Perhaps calling the 1800respect line can help you better identify your own boundaries. It could serve as being beneficial in promoting a healthier relationship.

I think covid may have also 'highlighted' problems that were already there for many people. Is this possible?

Knowing you 'still have feelings' for your husband is a good start, I think. I don't know if couples therapy is an interest, or available to you. Otherwise, the best way I would personally try to move forward is to take things slow & try to be kind & gentle with yourself & one another.

maddison xx 

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Abby54 , how are you today? I’ve just read your story and hope you will be able to find someone you can speak to about what’s going on.

There might be a lot going through your husband’s head too which he has not yet confided in you. It seems more than just a simple I-like or dont-like-you scenario.

Take care. I hope you find space to be gentle with yourself.