Lived Experience Forum

[steveaustin]

Hello,

I'm new here. I am an artist, video creator, and last year I studied design for a few weeks, which made my mom proud, and then I dropped out, and spent 7 months living in New Zealand, drawing every day, mostly portraits.

I don't fully understand myself. But right now im in one of my deflated periods. Can't think of any ideas, can't make money, and my body feels very very tired.

I sometimes feel like I'm a liar, or a manipulator, when talking to people. I don't try to lie or manipulate, but for me its just this feeling, when I talk to others, that I'm always leaving something out.

The last two years have been difficult, with me attempting to live life on my own terms, and I have issues with conflict, or big ideas for work that don't come into fruition. 

I'm not sure what else to say, but I thought I'd start by giving a brief outline of where I'm at now. Hello to anyone reading this!

[wellwellwellnez]

I think part of the cycle is the inherent contradiction of all art.

Namely, all art is 100% about illusion and simultaneously 100% about truth.

Considering this, no wonder artists are always loosing and then finding their inspiration.

[TuxedoCat]

hey @steveaustin welcome to the forums, I'm TuxedoCat, one of the peer workers here. It's nice to e-meet you 😊 

I'm so sorry that you've having a bit of a tough time, feeling like there are no art ideas, no way to make money and you're so tired. I know for me, even one of those things can start to impact my mental health. And when you say "deflated period", do you mean it's happened before and is kind of a cycle?

I also really relate to that feeling of feeling like I'm "leaving something out". I know what it's like for me, but what is it like for you?

For me, throughout most of my life, I felt like I was pretending to be someone else. Kind of like I had a range of personalities I could pull out depending on the situation. Overtime, I've found it useful to reframe it for myself to be about how comfy I am with others. For example, when I'm super comfy with someone, I feel like I don't have to keep things out. But it's taken me a long time to get there, and I still put on a face for a LOT of people. 

Not sure if that feels relatable to you?

Also, I thought I'd also just check in to see if you've got anyone in your life that you can talk to about this stuff? A friend or even a professional? ❤️ 

[steveaustin]

@TuxedoCat 

 when you say "deflated period", do you mean it's happened before and is kind of a cycle?

Yes. This is the fourth time I've moved back in with my parents, and this time I've had the least amount of money. Both of them are rude to me. For example: my mom got tense and angry when I told her I wanted to put a chair in the shower, because I get tired when I stand and shower. And my dad had a full-on meltdown, yelling and swearing, because a character on a TV show mentioned transgender people. Not even in support, just literally explaining the concept of being trans. I'm trans btw, non-binary 🙂 so its hard. Real rough, but not my fault.

I also really relate to that feeling of feeling like I'm "leaving something out". I know what it's like for me, but what is it like for you?

For me, its actually not about me, its about my environment. Like, I don't put the onus on me to be more authentic, im pretty authentic and honest now, within reason. I'm now switching career paths slightly, to have more time spent with people who understand autism, pronouns, trauma, and not just mock/belittle me for being different. The safer I feel, the more I can allow truth, my truth, to come out organically and not forced 🙂

I still put on a face for a LOT of people. Not sure if that feels relatable to you?

It used to be more relatable. I still do for my parents. I can NEVER, EVER show any sadness, or anger, because both lead to a really unhelpful response from both of them, that makes things worse. Lots of masking involved.

I'd also just check in to see if you've got anyone in your life that you can talk to about this stuff? A friend or even a professional?

I call a hotline, multiple ones, and soon I'll get a better phone plan which means I can also call the mental health support lines I had access to in New Zealand. Just need a little bit more cash 🙂 I'm almost done setting up government benefits here in Australia luckily, and the NZ government emailed me offering me a benefit payment too, which I might be elligble for. Fingers crossed!!

[steveaustin]

@wellwellwellnez That's not a struggle for me.

I understand that both illusions and truth can co-exist.

The movie "Soul", for example: (spoilers!)

its about a dude that dies and then wakes up in the body of his cat. I know that's not real. However, the underlying message behind it, about appreciating all creatures, and life itself, is real. Its vivid, and I cried while watching that movie. My emotional revelation, while watching a fake scene, was real.

I don't find art to be contradictory.