not coping

[Snowie]

@outlander 

You have put so many things in to place already and I am glad that you are reaching out for support. 

I haven't really got any advice but am here with you and for you sis 💜💜

[Zoe7]

To be completely honest with you @outlander I think you need to see someone face-to-face and regularly - especially in the state you are currently in. Online is great for the interim but there is so much that a psychologist can determine f2f that cannot be seen online. It is also taking you out of your comfort zone and tackling some of that social anxiety. Seeing your nurse once a month is great but she cannot provide you with the skills and support that a regular psych can. As for meds - there are many that have side effects and many that don't - it is about finding the right ones that you can tolerate and that can also help. Your pdoc has no right to say it is a waste of time - they should be working with you and your allergies to determine what you could tolerate - so changing pdocs may be a good idea.

I do know it is hard for you to find anyone you connect with also but it maybe now needs to be finding people that can help you rather than you forming a strong connection with. 

I am pleased to hear you have put in place some of those boundaries with your family - it is really important you keep them in place and do not jump when asked either ...that goes for both your mother and your sisters - it will build up resilience in them not having everything done for them and is super important for you too. Saying No is hard for you but right now it is necessary for your own health - prioritise that now because I really do feel you are reaching crisis point again.

As for your Pop - just leave him alone when he is being abusive or difficult. He will contact other people if he needs help and they can either come or not - if they come there will no doubt be the further nastiness from all of them but it will also show that there are others around that can help. You should not be doing this alone - you made a promise to your Nan that you cannot be expected to keep going at your own expense - I am sure she would not want that for you. Carefully considering if it is time to look at alternative accommodation for your Pop is also something to think about ...you deserve a life of your own Hon.

[Sans911]

@outlander - I echo and agree with @Zoe7.

[Anastasia]

Wow @outlander you have been so proactive in making changes, well done sweetheart ✔️❤️

Agree with what @Zoe7 saiys too. 

I love this...

"Teach others how to treat you"

Meaning set boundaries, don't allow them to push them. Be in charge of your needs. 💞🙏👂👀💖

[Zoe7]

@outlander Just like the Phoenix we want to see you rise and thrive 

[outlander]

@Snowie @Sans911 @Anastasia

[outlander]

Sorry for taking so long @Zoe7 it sometimes takes me abit to actually think and respond or have to reread things

I dont really know about a psychologist again. I havent had many good experiences with them. I either get to a point I just cant talk which is what happened with the last one or I meltdown. I dont want to stay like this but I also dont want to go to far back like I seem to do everytime I get into therapy. I will have to check with the dr when my last renewal was, I dont think I can get another just yet and the other sessions have already been used up on the other one.

The trouble with pop is he isnt all that abusive but he is very draining and does thing that create extra work. He also doesnt know how to use a phone and completely destroyed the last one because the button on the front screen wasnt the right one. He doesnt understand how to use it and he is also very restricted to where he can drive now with his license. Its really only from here to the shops and no family is close enough for him to drive to.
Another issue is even if he goes into a home, it means I would loose this house and I would loose all payments as well. Right now there are no jobs, even my sister is struggling to get one and she has a lot more work experience in different areas then me plus more time and younger. I know that selfish to think but I dont think I would cope if I had no income and no house either. I dont think I could cope with the repercussion of what would happen if pop moved to a home, the family couldnt afford it either. There are so many factors all the time in any way I go.

[outlander]

@Emelia8

[Zoe7]

@outlander Therapy does not have to be looking backwards ie. going over your whole history. It can be finding ways to cope in the here and now and working on strategies to deal with all that you have on your plate. You are already doing part of that online but a f2f scenario will also help with social skills as well. I am very much similar - I can open up more and 'talk' more online but find it hard to find the words when in front of someone - but that is something that was importnt to work on to be able to move forward. As you would already know - I stopped EMDR because it was re-traumatising and I went into a very dark hole. With the assistance of my GP and pdoc we collectively decided that going back was not helping me go forward - and that changed both my mindset and progression immensely. It does take a lot of strength and courage to do that though - both of which you have - and it has helped me s much in other relationships in my life ...especially with my family. I have very big boundaries with them and if they break them I can not only tell them how I feel but also am confident enough to walk away. That too takes practice but the more you do it the more in control of your own life you begin to feel.

I very much understand your situation with the house (your home) and the very real fear of what is available if your Pop was to go into a home. I don't think that is selfish at all to think about but I will ask one question (and this is not meant to upset you at all) - what will you do if your Pop passes away? If that happens suddenly then your whole world will be turned upside down instantly so what measures are you putting in place now that will help in the future if tht happens. This is something that I am sure you have considered but it is a very real possibility.

I would also like to ask you to consider what your Pop does without you when he is with his friends - is he just as demanding or does he leave that just for you? If he leaves that just for you then he is abusing the care you give him and thst needs to change. I understand he has difficulties with phones, accepting help from outside sources and has dementia but you deserve to be treated with respect as well.

Lastly - and this is a big one - what does recovery look like, feel like, sound like for you? What can you realistically do for yourself and what do you need professional help to achieve. We all have to be the architects of our own recovery but all architects need builders to help us construct our lives in the image we want it to be. 

[outlander]

Thanks @Zoe7

with the previous psychs i spoke abit about my past but more of how to move forward and how to cope. After a while though it didnt feel helpful, sometimes it felt like even the psychs werent all that sure what to do because it seemed like we were speaking about the same things or i dont know i just didnt want to go. it wasnt a connection thing i dont know why it was happening.

it plagues me all the time whatll happen when its time to move out or pop goes into a home etc. i dont know what would happen. i guess thats why i was looking at careers at least i could work towards that.
pop is like 2 different people. theres when hes around me and then when hes around other people. theres been many times mum has had to actually step in and either come over and talk to him or ring him up because of the things hes said or the way hes treated me. hes not always like it thankfully.

im tired Zoe, im tired of fighting everyday. sleep is all over the place, struggle to even get out of bed most days anymore even when i know i have things to do. i am trying but it doesnt always seem like that. i have just tried to go back to basics and then take anything else as a win. i dont really know what recovery looks like or how to get there. i thought i was on the right track for a little while with putting all these things into place but doesnt seem to matter what i do now it just doesnt really help