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Something’s not right

moocowplant
Casual Contributor

diagnosis confusion TRIGGER WARNINGS mentions of self-harm & suicidal thoughts

i want to clarify that i’m not exactly trying to self diagnose with something else but i want to help understand myself and find what might help. i’m safe right now and i mainly just want to share my thoughts and i’m willing to hear things that could help me in any way.

 

i’ve felt for a long time that just depression and anxiety as my diagnosis doesn’t quite fit everything even though i’ve been diagnosed for a few years now. they could possibly explain what’s happening but it’s just that how i feel my mental health is different to what i’m currently diagnosed with.

 

i have an intense fear of abandonment & i can’t tell the difference between real or imagined abandoning. i feel my emotions very strongly and i forget what other feelings feel like but if i’m not feeling something greatly then i feel empty. i hold a lot of the negative emotions inside me though because i feel as though my upset/anger/sadness/frustration is too much and will cause someone to leave me which quite often leads to giving in to dark thoughts. sometimes even if i think i’m too happy i can get the urge. also more nights than not i have bad dreams and they always feel so real, even if they are a bit out there. just recently i had a dream where i was pulling a very very long hair out of my throat that kept snapping to find it was attached to a half dead orchid plant that had gotten stuck on where my tonsils used to be and when i woke up i swear i could still physically feel the throat pain along with feeling so disoriented and confused and upset.

i don’t have very unstable relationships but i tend to perceive the relationship as either good or bad in my head but i’m too scared to rock the boat to cause any actual stuff to happen because i worry they’ll think of me badly or leave me. i definitely don’t have the best self-worth and think that everyone also see’s me as below everyone else. i dont get much pleasure from things i had thought i liked so i usually just push through the hobbies that are a bit easier for me so i’m still doing them.

my whole life i’ve had to hold all my feelings in until i’m alone. and j’ve always struggled with keeping connections with people because i dont know they’re true intentions so i cant trust them to stay or even just trust them in general. 

 

but thankyou heaps for letting me share my thoughts and i hope that everyone has a good rest of their day. 

6 REPLIES 6

Re: diagnosis confusion TRIGGER WARNINGS mentions of self-harm & suicidal thoughts

i apologise for misspelling quite a few things, i was in a rush to get my thoughts out

Re: diagnosis confusion TRIGGER WARNINGS mentions of self-harm & suicidal thoughts

@moocowplant 

 

Electricity from various natural and man made sources goes against our head and causes depression and casts the shadow of 'alone'.

 

And as we shape this electricity we create the sub, the con and the suss.

 

Work on hating this, push through it.

 

And you will feel that here is with. 

Re: diagnosis confusion TRIGGER WARNINGS mentions of self-harm & suicidal thoughts

Hello @moocowplant 

First off - I think it's completely okay for you to question whether your current diagnoses fit the symptoms you're experiencing. You're the expert on your own life and experiences after all! If you feel something else may fit better, I encourage you to bring it up to a professional if you feel comfortable.

You're not alone, I relate to a lot of the struggles you described, particularly the fear of abandonment and it's impact on relationships, and holding feelings in. These are things I've struggled with my whole life, and there is a reason behind it.

I'd encourage you to try to practise self-compassion when you're feeling these intense emotions, it's very easy to get caught up in the spiral and become self-critical.

If you use any iOS devices, maybe you might find the app 'How We Feel' helpful? It's helpful for tracking emotions and noticing patterns, and it has short videos for emotional regulation.

And I also use an app called 'antar' to reflect on my problems and difficult emotions, and consider them from different perspectives.

I personally believe the dreams you're having could mean something, and reflect your subconscious in some way. This isn't exactly the same, but I used to have very immersive daydreams, which would sometimes would take a strange or dark turn. After reflecting upon them years later, I realised what they meant, and was able connect some of them to my past feelings or to past events.

Re: diagnosis confusion TRIGGER WARNINGS mentions of self-harm & suicidal thoughts

@moocowplant 

 

Please ignore this if it doesn’t resonate as people are complicated.

 

What you said about trust made me think that maybe you had some childhood trauma or neglect.  What I read sounds so familiar and I have lived most of my life not realising the long term consequences until a psychiatrist asked the question, if you did, I have a few things that helped me. 

Re: diagnosis confusion TRIGGER WARNINGS mentions of self-harm & suicidal thoughts

hey @Flotsam 

 

thankyou and i didn’t even think about that to be honest but i’m sorry you’ve had to go through that as well, 

what were some of the things that helped you out?

Re: diagnosis confusion TRIGGER WARNINGS mentions of self-harm & suicidal thoughts

@moocowplant 

 

I felt like damaged goods, like I was broken and not quite right. Learning about integrated family systems and shadow work has really helped. I have been able to get a better perspective and understanding and I now know it is a very normal and human reaction to childhood trauma. 

I carried a lot of shame, I never wanted anyone to know and only told my adult children last year. Working with a psychologist has helped me to let go of that, I never realised just how much shame I carried. My psychologist used talk therapy mostly but we have also done CBT, DBT, ACT, somatic therapy and some EMDR and I still can’t shake off the depression but I am no longer flooded and overwhelmed by emotional distress, I no longer disassociate. I do use a lot of distraction to stay within my window of tolerance and still struggle with emotional over eating. 

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