Lived Experience Forum

[Canima]

Hi everyone, I'm trying to piece together why I would keep trying to be okay. See I'm 25 years old and my life has been mostly misery. A few years back I realised I had plenty of issues and I set out on fixing and improving things. At times, an extremely brutal process that I had to suffer through. 

I've progressed more than I can even explain. I fell backwards this year, but the version of myself that I'd uncovered through the suffering is still here, just climbing back out of another pit of despair.

On to the main issue - I was dating last year and meeting people, I was doing better. Not good, not okay, but better. Now my first counsellor (prior to my diagnosis), I had gotten severely and unhealthily attached. Sadly, she was the first deep connection I'd ever experienced. It got me into a bit of trouble due to being unable to let go of her and leave her alone. I did hurt her psychologically, and I absolutely hate myself for it to this day - even though it was pre-diagnosis. Counsellor 1 was my only brush with the law.

Recently I was engaging in DBT, however the day before one of my sessions, I was texted from the only girl I had ever shared a cuddle with saying "Leave me the **** alone or I'm going to the police" Atleast I avoided legal trouble that time. But even a cuddle is going to get me too attached...

I was so distraught that my next session of dbt, I told the counsellor how I couldn't do that to her and hurt her like I did with counsellor 1. My dbt ended as steps were going to be taken to make sure my counsellor would be and feel safe. I hate that I even had to suggest this. I hate my own existence and what ever the hell is wrong with me.

Now, I just push women away, choosing that instead of ever having a meaningful or intimate connection, to protect them from me getting attached.

So...why bother when I'm like this?! I don't want to hurt anyone. I also can't handle being alone and unloved like I have my entire existence. I don't know if I can ever have a relationship because what happens then? I needed a goddamn intervention order to stop me with my counsellor. So what, I get close to someone and I end up being unable to control myself and keep contacting them when they want nothing to do with me?!?!?! What's the point?

[BPDSurvivor]

Wow @Canima - your post sounds like my BPD life! I used to get so attached that I became a leech and sucked the life outta people. Totally UNHEALTHY! 

After years of that, I thought that the only way to protect myself and others was to swing the pendulum the other way. I absolutely avoided all social interaction and isolated myself. Totally UNHEALTHY!

This was when I realised that I couldn't continue living like that. I had a lot of learning to do. I needed to accept that life was NOT black and white - that life has shades of grey in between. Then came months and months of mentalisation-based group therapy (MBT). I hated it, but stuck at it because DBT, CBT, ACT didn't do a great deal for me... towards the end of MBT I realised the pain of group therapy had made a difference.

Today, I'm no where near perfect, and am still working to pull down my own protective barriers. But you know what? I'm absolutely lovin life and couldn't imagine things better. Crappy things still happen, but I'm not only surviving, I'm thriving.

I hope you will also find space to learn about who you are so that you can love yourself enough to know that satisfaction starts from within. Those in your environment can enhance that contentment, but it starts with you.

All the best with your endeavours, and I'm interested to hear your thoughts about this.

[TuxedoCat]

oh wow @BPDSurvivor so glad you found this post because I was about to tag you in case it resonated with your experiences. Turns out it did!

Thank you for sharing @Canima and welcome to the forums. I hope you find our special community supportive of you and your growth ❤️ 

It sounds to me like you're a little scared about what the future holds. And that's completely understandable given what's happened to you over the last few years. That's the template you have for life! Same with how you've grown attached to people or pushed them away -- it's how you've survived so far. But, from what I can see, you're really wanting that to be different and taking steps towards making some changes. That includes counselling and reaching out for support here.

Here on the forums, we have a bunch of different experiences and some of us a further along in our "recovery" than others. But I know a lot of us (and me!) have questioned what's the point of it all because it's really hard. But it sounds like you have come a heck of a way, and it's just one step at a time. Each one gets you closer to feeling better! 

I'm not sure if that's helpful, but I'd love to hear from you if there's anything jumping out at you ❤️ 

[Canima]

@BPDSurvivor I appreciate that you can seemingly relate to my experiences, yet at the same time...You know there's been hellish times, which is just unpleasant to consider you sharing similar experiences to myself.

You've also come to the same conclusions as I have too 🙂

I'm working on the whole idea to be more compassionate towards myself and love myself etc. But I can only really do that when I'm acting in a way that I can be proud of. Anywhere from not hurting someone, to exercising or not abusing substances etc. I find it quite difficult to appreciate myself and what I've managed to do, as the negatives choices and situations really dig their way through my psyche. 

I'm seeing from your message that I should work my way through DBT, reassess how I am, then try MBT if needed. I suppose try my best not to give up and fall back down into a self-destructive rut. I used to think that the progress I had made was erased by falling apart and getting off track for a while. Yet that's the black and white thinking, and I do find my mind defaulting back to that view easily, especially when I'm not meditating 😮

I'm glad to hear that life has been going well for you now. There will always be pain and suffering involved, but a life that's worthwhile enough to want to live it despite that pain? I'm glad you found your way there. It's nice to be reminded it exists.

I can also imagine you may find your old ways of coping to pop up sometimes, and maybe even that all or nothing type of thinking. Running off that assumption, I guess it's nice to think that one can fall back a bit, yet still bring themselves back to a state of thriving and loving life. Even better if you never find yourself slipping back to how things were or who you were, but to my understanding, managing and keeping the condition at bay is probably what to aim at. As with all things, it's easier said than done. 

I'm interested to hear how you found MBT helped you. As I'm only new here, I haven't had a browse yet, so you may already have posts detailing it ❤️

Thank you for your kind and helpful message.

[Canima]

@TuxedoCat Hahaha I suppose you were right about BPDSurvivor's similar experiences!

Thanks for the warm welcome. I hope I find myself engaging in the forum and discussions too.

I tend to look down on the progress I've made, so it often doesn't feel as if I've progressed like I have. Yet when I find myself taking a healthier view of the situation, I realise that all the small steps have really added up. It would be nice to skip ahead a little bit to when I'm further along in my own recovery/management of my condition, especially with life being so lonely and usually not a pleasant existence. This all takes time and we just have to keep going and doing our best to take those small steps. I wonder if a realistic expectation in the future is that I'll be taking bigger strides hahaha.

Thanks again!

[TuxedoCat]

@Canima omg I would LOVE to skip further ahead too! And from my experience, the strides do get a bit longer with time. but the little ones still add up ❤️ 

[BPDSurvivor]

You know what @Canima ? I can’t even tell you what I did in MBT, but it worked. It was such a lllllooooonnnnnggggg process and I was always thinking, why do I have to come each week to hang out with these people, some of whom I really can’t stand?!?!

So it was really group therapy that i got most out of. In MBT, we were in a group of about 6-8 with 2 facilitators. Each week (the same group of ppl) went around to discuss something that happened for them during the week. Often I didn’t have anything to say. But someone the facilitators got something out. Eg a thought I’d been having, an incident, a question. 

Then, we’d decide on what to focus on. It would be different each week. Together as a group, we’d mentalise and share out thinking about whatever was posed to us.

That was pretty much it.

Whatever it was, after 18 months, I saw a stark difference in my way of thinking and thus my behaviour. After getting discharged from the treatment, the work of mentalising followed. This was when I realised that I was naturally practising these skills in daily life!

So yes, here I am today. I still have BPD moments - like today. But it’s rare. Like today, I was fuming because of something someone said but I held it together. I was so angry but I didn’t swing a punch like I have in the past.

So there’s my story.

Look forward to hearing from you @Canima 

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Canima , How are you? I’m thinking of you and wanted to see how things are.

[Canima]

Hey @BPDSurvivor , I'm alive and able to experience things - Be them good or bad (mostly bad sadly). I plan on responding to your message of you sharing your experience. I have just been in a nasty place...One that has me *wishing* I was suicidal. <br><br>I'm surviving and I'm not suicidal...I'm just done with existence if I'll keep needing love, care, appreciation, cuddling, nurturing, affection. Currently I'm just accepting that as my reality, at least for now. For the weeks and months ahead, that's how it is. As is my ridiculous alcohol intake. <br><br>The longer I stay like this, the more unappealing I become as an interest to women, because no-one really wants to waste their time in a relationship with someone guzzling alcohol down daily or using porn like I once was. Yet not experiencing any emotional or physical intimate connection with someone that shares that about you? It'll destroy your soul. Further the self-destruction.<br><br>Turning 26 next month. I haven't celebrated my birthdays... Not 18, not 21, not 25. I have had nothing to celebrate. <br><br>So that was emotional word vomit of how I am. Thank you so much for checking in.<br>I'm not sure of the level of anonymity and meeting people, potentially actually making a connection or two from here that ends up being more than just an online thing (Like majority of my connections have been), but atleast it's been nice to feel a little more understood. You've thrown punches and gotten into fights or just self harm? I occasionally punch inanimate shit, but mostly just been more internalising all the pain, alongside crying. So so so tired of crying too.<br><br>Normally I would go over my message and fix up whatever needs fixing, but I'm surprised I'm responding right now. To add on, I have read your first message, and thank you for sharing 🙂

[tyme]

Good Evening @Canima ,

I hear where you are right now. I hope you find some healthier coping mechanisms and strategies to help you through.

Just a quick note, I'm not sure if you've had time to read through our guidelines, but our forums here are anonymous. https://saneforums.org/t5/help/faqpage/title/anonymity

This means members are not permitted to share their contact details etc which may make it difficult for you to connect with members outside the forums. 

I thought I'd flag this so that you are aware of what our forums can or can't offer.

However, you are welcome to connect via the forums and hopefully read of others' experiences so that you feel less alone.

Kindest, tyme