Trying to be happy, isn’t working

[Emelia8]

Dear @Peri  🤗💖

I do apologise for not visiting you here in such a long time.  Its not that I dont think of you often, because I do ... a lot.  But somehow I just never seem able to make the effort to 'do the rounds'.  LIfe gets in the way I guess.  

I am sorry to hear that life continues to be uncomfortable for you and damned hard work.  The constant SI is a major drain on inner resources as well, so its little wonder you find life difficult at present.

I'm so pleased that you are once again considering returning to work on a part time basis.  From all that you have discussed in the past .. I think work is a positive thing for you.  So well done on making this decision. I think most of us could use a little extra money, so that will be a bonus. But I suggest not the main benefit, which will be a sense of purpose and a sense of achievement.  Something you have probably been missing since you finished working some time back. What do you need to do in order to make this happen?  Will you need to do any refresher courses or anything?

I actually thought of you early this morning @Peri .  My Father In Law died at 5am this morning (my time).  He has been in a Perth nursing home for about 5 years, and was 94 years old.  My husband and I last saw him when we were in Perth this time last year.  We were to see him again when we were meant to attend my nieces wedding in March this year.  But that trip was cancelled at the last minute due to the closing of borders with COVID outbreak.  So we never got to see him this year, and I am cursing COVID for that.  And now we will not be able to attend his funeral either ... NSW residents still need to self isolate 14 days upon arrival in WA, which rules us out.  And right now, so soon after my surgery, I am not feeling up to going anyway.  And hubby has been quite unwell with his Parkinsons and Adrenal Failure issues this past week or two.  So we wont be able to attend his funeral.  Feeling really sad about that.  In fact I am really sad in general ... there have been lots of tears today.  He was a nice man, and I will miss our weekly talks.

Ahh you mother was quite a pioneer then.  How lovely.  I also read all sorts of books.  Used to be a very avid reader as a kid, then as an adult when I found the time.  These days I dont seem to have enough time.  Silly really, I used to find time when I was working full time.  I must MAKE the time to read more I think.  Something on my must do list.

Always good to see you Peri, and I thank you for the ongoing support you have provided to me on my thread lately, around my cancer diagnosis and surgery.  I hope your little granddaughter is well.  And your furbabies happy and healthy too.

Hi also to other recent contributors here @Appleblossom @outlander @Eve7 @Former-Member @Shaz51 

Emelia 🌸

[Eve7]

I’m sorry about your father in law @Emelia8 

Hope your h is ok. Thinking of you both and sending loving hugs

💕🤗💕

[outlander]

@Peri 💜🌻

[Peri]

Hi @Former-Member @outlander @Eve7 @Emelia8 @Appleblossom ,

i frequently read or hear it said that happiness is a choice. That you can choose to be happy .  I have been trying this, I don’t believe it.  I certainly lay don’t choose to be unhappy or depressed and anxious, but how do you choose happy?

happy for me has always been something more than just being busy or occupying time usefully, or being with family or whatever.  It is something above that.  I do occupy myself, I look after family members still but happiness does not seem to come with the package.  I can wake and say, today I am going to be happy and really put myself in the way of trying to get it.  But I don’t believe that you can just choose to be happy.

thoughts appreciated.

peri

[Peri]

This is sort of replying to myself!

but to anyone who may follow @Former-Member @outlander @Eve7 @Emelia8 @Appleblossom @Shaz 

i have been going through an odd phase.  I am not as down as I was, but am extremely anxious and find I struggle to get up in the mornings and do anything.  Once I do get up I can be productive and do feel better.

i am still housebound and find it hard to go out or meet friends. I keep in touch with a few people by phone or message that seems to be enough but I know it is not engaging with life. And then those  Act, Belong, Commit ads come on and I feel bad about myself.  I will commit to taking my little dogs for a walk later today, after mt granddaughter goes back to he mother.

i speak to my older son, who lives with his family in England, and he is planning on coming home in two years. I will love that as I miss him very much and don’t see me going to the uk again.

i feel a bit low today I don’t know why, 

i can hear my little granddaughter playing with one of her keyboards.  She loves musical instruments that have lights and stuff. 

I shall go and play with her. Peri

[Emelia8]

Hi there @Peri ... I'm really glad you have posted here today.  Of course I'm following!  I always do, even if I dont reply immediately.  I subscribe to quite a few threads, and yours is definitely one of them.

Well, it sounds like some progress is being made for you Peri.  Some of the worst of your depression appears to have shifted a little.  Thats good.  Perhaps you are a little like me ... either depression is bad and anxiety takes a back seat for a while, or anxiety is intense and depression eases.  I guess none of us can really suffer huge levels of both at the same time?  Bit of a protection mechanism I suppose.  Anyway I am glad you are not as down overall as you were before.  To me that seems like progress.  Although getting up each morning and starting a new day is still an effort, you are now able to push through and be productive.  Being productive always gives me a sense of achievement and a sense of worth.

I note that you are still housebound.  Have you made any further enquiries about returning to nursing work in some form?  I know you had spoken about doing that, but dont know if you have followed up on it yet. Being someone who was obviously devoted to your work, it would tick quite a few boxes for you ... sense of worth, engagement with other people, a reason to get up each day, extra finances to fund something nice for you.  I really hope you can make enquiries, because it could be a solution to several of your issues.

Oh wow ... how fantastic!  I know how much you miss your son and family in England.  I know 2 years seems a long way off still, but it will go quickly.  I know COVID has hit the UK very badly, has your son or family been badly impacted at all?

How sweet ... I can just picture your dear little ganddaughter tinkering with a keyboard, as it lights up with lights and sounds.  How precious she is. 😊💝  Yes definitely go and play with her.

I note you say you feel a little low today .. though not sure why.  I hope that has passed, or will soon pass.  Tomorrow is another day ... hopefully a much better one.  Sending you lots of love Peri.

Emelia 💞🤗

[Emelia8]

Hello dear @Peri ... I havent seen you around in a while, so decided I would pop in and say hello.  To see how you're going, and also to let you know that I've been thinking of you. 🌸

Hope the weather over in WA has been kinder to you than it was last week when you last posted.  We have been getting lots of rain here the past few days, and a lot more coming this week again.  Could be complaining soon about flooding and too wet underfoot.  Better than overly dry or too hot though.  At least in my view.

Anyway ... I do hope you're okay.  Do you have plans for Christmas?  Do you normally have a traditional Christmas lunch with family members present?  I expect your granddaughter will be looking forward to the day ... for lots of reasons.

Emelia 😊💓

[Peri]

Thank you for thinking of me Em.  I am not in a good place really low and anxious 

I think about yo a lot and how you are going   I just can't say much I think my brain has stopped working 

peri 

@Emelia8 

[Emelia8]

I think of you often dear @Peri  💕

Really sorry to hear you are not in a good place right now, with low mood and anxiety seemingly taking a hold.

I know what you mean when you say that sometimes the brain seems to have forgotten how to work.   I get that too.

I hope you can let things drift over you in the short term and then work your way back again once you've taken breath and feeling more in control.  Are you someone who often feels very low at this time of year, with Christmas fast approaching?  I know it affects many people adversely.  Luckily, Christmas does not really do that ... for me, its little different to any other time of year.  

Just remember that I am here if you ever feel the need to talk, and so too are other members who care about you.

Love to you.

Emelia 💞