Oscillation between two mind sets

[creative_writer]

Hi @Former-Member it’s nice having you here 💖

I think things are starting to make a bit more sense, I had a lot of processing to do lately. I’ve had to create a distance with myself and parents to prevent that enmeshment from occurring. I hope one day I won’t feel guilty for talking about things they probably wouldn’t want me to. They are very private people, and don’t trust the mental health system. I don’t blame them, our system is far from perfect. But by not trusting anyone, you really can’t heal. I do still feel guilty talking about enmeshment trauma, the trauma of being invalidated and the trauma of seeing my mum heightened. Maybe I’ll feel more comfortable with time, I don’t know

[creative_writer]

It feels like I’m sinking but I’m trying to hold on, I want to be able to come out of this stronger. But right now I see pain, I see rage, I see sadness, I see fear. I’m struggling to sit with these ghosts, they keep whispering to me. I want to live in the present, but they keep taking me back to another time and place. They keep reminding me of what has been taken, how worthless I am, how incomplete I have become. I never wanted things to be this way, but you can’t control the waves. I thought I should use my experiences to become stronger, a better version of myself, and to allow my empathy to deepen for others. At the same time
I hold rage over what happened, and I wish to erase these memories. If there was a memory eraser, I would erase all this pain. If I knew what to do and could go back in time I would, to stop this from ever happening. I find myself oscillating between growing as a person and mourning of what I’ve lost. I want to be able to strengthen the growth side of me, but some days are just harder.

@tyme

[tyme]

Hearing you @creative_writer 

Hugs. 

Very heartfelt.

[Former-Member]

Hey there @creative_writer 🌺💜

Thank you xx

Im really pleased for you that things are starting to make more sense, and you can start to feel a bit more independent emotionally 🙂 

Thats understandable regarding your parents not trusting the system, and I can validate that our systems aren't working well to support us with my own experiences. 

I hold hope that over time, there is a shift in the sense of responsibility of others' emotions, too 🙂

I used to hold tons of responsibility for not protecting my siblings when I was incapacitated, and felt it was my fault in some way... It took a while to let go of that, even though cognitively I totally understood I wasnt at fault. I guess that is parallel to what you have described, and from that place, I understand the kind of feelings that can exist around feeling that sense of enmeshment xx

I hope you dont mind, I wanted to kindly let you know that I do gently understand what it is like 🙂

I hope you are doing ok this evening, and you can have a good weekend xx

[creative_writer]

@Former-Member the thing is though I have supports in place, I sometimes feel stuck, like I am not progressing. I am still stuck in these chaotic feelings, paralysed. I just can't help but wonder whether I am doing something wrong. Surely, after this long in therapy I would have seen more improvements, and wouldn't feel so paralysed and caught up in emotions to do normal things. It's normal to feel distressed, but I don't think it's normal for that distress to take over my life. Seems like a bit of an overreaction, or no?

I hope the weekend goes smoothly for you too ❤️

[Former-Member]

Sounds hard, having the feeling distress is taking over, @creative_writer 💜

well, I’m not sure about it being ‘normal’ or not, however I know in my experience if there are little mitigating factors, then there isn’t much that can move me out of that space. That’s what motivated me to do so many different things (travel, hobbies, jobs, etc). 
However it’s not always easy to go do those kinds of things🌺

thank you kindly 🙂🌺

hope your day is ok 💜

[creative_writer]

@Former-Member I'm listening to SI music again. I can handle the depression without agitation, but once the agitation overtakes me, I want to do things. The excess energy and racing thoughts get overwhelming. I am struggling to write up my assignment rn which isn't helping. I'm safe for now

[Former-Member]

Things are sounding pretty overwhelming right now..Is there anything that helps bring things back to centre for you @creative_writer ? 💜

[creative_writer]

@Former-Member I took some PRN and had lunch while watching Tv to distract myself. Feeling a bit better, still feeling pretty low

[creative_writer]

Does anyone else get bouncy eyes when reading? Or am I just tired? Finding it hard to concentrate, I think it's adding to the stress I already feel