Lived Experience Forum

[saltandpepper]

Hey guys, nothing Earth shattering going on here. Just feeling down and not wanting to get out of bed.

Felt so miserable yesterday I wanted to start drinking in the morning. Managed to hold of til the afternoon. I just went back to bed and slept through the day, didn't get up til late arvo, then rewarded myself with a drink... Well, that's pathetic...

Still in bed at the moment, wanting to get up and be the useful person I want to be, but I can't. I want to be productive, I want to get stuff done, I want to work, I want to do things--more accurately, I want to want to do things. All I can seem to manage is lying in bed.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, about life. There's a phrase that runs through my mind a lot "Dying is easy, living is hard." Heard it on an episode of House many years ago and it still plays through my head often. I'd hear that and feel comfort knowing that even though being alive is hard, I was alive, I was strong for choosing life. But lately, I've been going the other way with it, comforting myself in the knowledge that living is hard, so it's ok to give up.

I'm over 30 years old, and if I look back I can honestly say I've never been happy. I've progressed from suicidal to managing, and yeah, I've progressed past managing to engaging. But it all feels like it's been... pointless. No matter what I've done or tried to achieve in my life, it ultimately feels pointless. People often tell you to do what makes you happy, and when I think about it now, I think not having to try so fu*king hard every fu*king day to be alive would make me happy. I'm just tired.

I want to be alive for the sake of my son, he doesn't deserve to go through the Hell of losing a parent. I don't want to put him through that. I hold on to those thoughts but sometimes... Every now and then it's like all the bad shit builds to breaking point and there's a battle going on inside my head and I have to fight to find reasons to stay alive. I have one honest reason, my son. Nothing else matters to me. Everything else is just shit we have to go through. Sometimes I just feel... overwhelmed? Knowing I don't really have a choice, no matter how hard it gets, no matter how miserable I am, I don't have a choice. There is no easy way out. There is just survival. My existence is purely about survival, not living. I wish I didn't have a reason to stay alive. 

[Appleblossom]

Hanging in there for your boy is enough @saltandpepper .  I also thought about that saying in my struggles after my siblings deaths.  Not to demean their lives or deaths, but it was all I could do to barely survive.  Being there, flaws and all takes grit.  Possibly I tended to idealise my family members who passed.  My father died young but from pneumonia.  Find a way to accept yourself and give and share with your son.

The daily slog may not be earth shattering, but it is worthy.  In between the spaces of struggle, I hope you find moments that bring out the best in you. Let yourself be surprised. Hang on to the good moments. They will magnify..

Apple

[Bow]

Feel exactly the same @saltandpepper  im just surviving and I absolutely hate it. I don't want to keep fighting anymore. I'm tired too. I too have the same reason as you do to stay alive and often wish that I didn't. I plan things out in my head and then terrify myself with how impulsive I can be at times. 
I hope things get better for you

[Judi9877]

Hi @saltandpepper  Wow. That's a lot to think about and take in. I will let you know that I have been in a similar place wanting a reason to live when dying seems easy as recently as Monday but I did call out for help by calling SANE helplines and asking them for advice including lifeline who were great. I do know that things are tough right now but things do and will improve. I know that as I'm here today to tell you this. What got me through is calling a helpline and calling out to a close male friend who was able to check in on me and let me know that I was wanted and worthy of living.
You are worthy and a wonderful person and you amaze me with your talents here on the forums. Your knowledge and insight is unique and I like the way you communicate with others. Please get some help, forumite.

I'm tagging @Former-Member to let them know about this as I feel this is out of my league when giving you further help.

Stay strong, forumite. Take care.

Judi9877☺️🍀

[tropicalsun]

Hi @Judi9877,

Thanks for the tag. It is good that you are able to idenitify what is within you capacity right now in terms of support. You've provided a lot of validation, which is helpful.

@saltandpepper I want to encourage you to reach out to the help centre to speak to a counsellor. They will be able to offer support and further referrals as necessary. You are not alone and we are here to support you. I can hear that it is very difficult at times and that your son is a strong protective factor for you. Sounds like you're stuck between two places - which of course is incredibly challenging. Please reach out to the help-centre or other suicide support lines such as the Suicide Call Back Service or Lifeline. 

Regards

tropicalsun

[saltandpepper]

Thank you all for the support @Judi9877 @tropicalsun @Bow @Appleblossom I really appreciate it.

@Bow I feel you, and I wish for that a lot too. And I feel very guilty thinking that way, which just makes it worse.

@Judi9877 I am glad you were able to find support when you needed it, and thank you so much for the kind words. Comforting. Feels comforting, thank you.

I'm usually good at reaching out when things get shitty, but, lately I just haven't wanted to. I know I have people that I can call on when I feel like this, but I just don't want to this time. I don't feel like seeing or talking to anyone at the moment. I haven't even been to therapy in a while, haven't wanted to do that either. I have another appointment booked, so, yeah.

I know that things will improve, as @Appleblossom said it's about hanging in there. And consciously I'm aware that this is just another rough patch that will pass. But I just... The concept that this is all there is to my life, clawing my way out of these periods of dysfunctional self destruction just to briefly see some good days--good hours even. I'm just feeling, over it, I guess? As much work as I've put into being a better person and managing my mental health, I'm still not free from this shit. I never will be. And sometimes I'm ok with that. But right now, I just hate that it has to be this hard. And for the sake of my kid, I can't just drown in self pitty and drink myself into oblivion... or worse. I really wish I could just drop the act and give in. I wish I had that freedom to stop fighting this.

I just really feel like shit. And I just want to go to bed and sleep. I wish I could wake up and not be this half assed excuse for a person, I wish I could find meaning and strength out of the darkness. I wish for so many things that are never going to happen and a total waste of my time, but I'm longing and yearning for things none the less. I wish I didn't havr to be strong, I wish I didn't have a reason, I wish I could finally set myself free from this life long prison. It's just Hell sometimes, surviving, that's not life, that's not living. I feel guilty even for crapping on here on the forums, like I don't deserve to complain. Feels like there's so much shit in my head at the moment, everything is sweeping in like a ten foot wave crashing over me. I feel like screaming and punching something. I feel like punishing myself for being weak and rambling like this. I feel like I hate myself, i hate who I am, I hate who I've been, I hate waking up everyday to this pointless existence. I hate everything right now. And I hate myself for feeling like that.

[Snowie]

Hi @saltandpepper 

I can understand where you are coming from and can relate to your words. I try to keep going for the sake of my children. I don't want them growing up without a mum. Yes it is extremely hard to keep going at times but we try and continue for them. 

Please keep on reaching out on here and using your supports.

Take care of you

Snowie xoxo

[greenpea]

@saltandpepper  saltandpepper everyone here has given such wonderful, caring and insightful replies that mine really isnt needed. I just wanted to let you know how cared about you are on these forums. You appear to be an intelligent, kind, soul who is taking the world on his/her shoulders. I too have a drinking problem and at times would like nothing better than to curl up into bed with a bottle of red when times are bad. I can even taste it now as I write this. It has been two years or more since I have drunk any alcohol. If you ever decide to quit I would be honoured to be your buddy and be there for you to help you along.

Sane chat line and Lifeline have saved my bacon when times were harsh lately. I can thorough recommend them both. Take care saltandpepper. Love peaxxx

[saltandpepper]

Hey @Snowie and @greenpea thanks for the response, much appreciated.

@Snowie I'm glad you can relate--well not glad--comforted. He is the only reason I keep going, which feels like both a blessing and a burden at the moment.

@greenpea every response is very welcome, the more the better. Well done on your sobriety journey, what an incredible achievement. And thanks for reaching out with such a kind offer of support. I must admit, when I read your response, my immediate reaction was "I don't have a problem". I feel like I want to say I don't have a problem, but then I also feel that's something people who have a problem say. I mean, wanting to drink in the morning, not great--and I get the being able to taste it thing. And if I'm honest, I wrinsed out the glass I had so it wouldn't be noticed--by who? Don't know. Just felt like I needed to hide it for some reason. I did realise after ddoing that, that I was trying to hide it, and that felt like a red fla

[saltandpepper]

@greenpea Whoops, dropped my phone. Anyway, I guess I should try and get some sleep. Actually have to leave the sanctuary of my bed today. Fu*k.

And thanks to all for dropping in, it's always helpful to get that support and hear that others are in the same place as I am.

I'm having a bad night with PTSD shit and woke up with my heart pounding in my chest. Now I'm on high alert and every scratching sound in my house is setting me off. Too uncomfortable to sleep. On the plus side, it's freezing in my house but I'm nice and warm after enjoying some fun trauma induced nightmares. Winning. 

Well, I'm babbling now. Goodnight folks, thanks for the support.