Not Coping

[Jynx]

@Birdofparadise8 I can understand that, though everyone is a stranger till you meet them! I would say it is more an option if you want to just chat and connect moreso than talk about mental health stuff, and if it's not comfortable or helpful then you can just say "Gotta go, bye!" haha. 

Yeah it's bizarre to me that there aren't more webchat services available, when so many people prefer that method of communication. I guess that's why places like Reddit or Imgur are so popular, gives folks that online space to be social and find like-minded individuals to connect with. 

'What we resist, persists' hun, I know it is a pain that is really interfering with your life but in my experience, the more I've tried to push the pain away or wish it away, the more it sticks and keeps on coming. 

[Birdofparadise8]

That's true, but I need a counsellor at this stage. That's why I like KHL so much @Jynx. 

SANE webchat could always come back, hahaha. 

Mmm, that's a good point. 

I'm not sure I'm directly pushing it away, though, because I'm still feeling it and feeling it a lot. I'm crying a lot more now. 

I just feel it's harder to tell someone how you feel over the phone than online. I could be saying that as a cop-out.

[Jynx]

You could always find a counsellor via a database like Psychology Today, @Birdofparadise8. I found a counsellor on there once who was perfect cos she also had ADHD, and she also knew I was in a crappy financial position and gave me a pretty steep discount on the sessions - might take a bit of research, trial and error to find the right person, but you could potentially set up like, weekly telehealth sessions with someone. Maybe even set it up to be text-based support. 

SANE webchat is definitely on the horizon hun, they're working out all the kinks and launching soon, maybe by end of year (I legit have no idea how long it will be but hopefully sooner than that). 

So I can only talk about my own experiences re: pushing feelings away, but for me it wasn't to do with whether or not I felt the pain - cos you're right, I felt it regardless. It's more about how I mentally responded to the pain. So,

Pushing it away is thoughts like, "Why am I like this? Why can't this pain stop? What's wrong with me? Why am I so crap at everything, I can't even watch this movie without crying" etc. 

Accepting it for me sounds like, "It makes sense that I feel this way; I know this will pass eventually, I just gotta ride this wave for now; This really hurts, but doesn't mean there's something wrong with me, it just means I'm human; It's okay to be feeling this bad over something that doesn't seem like it should hurt, cos it reminds me of all the other times I've been hurt, etc." - in short, it's okay that I'm not okay.

As for saying stuff over the phone being harder - yeah honestly I agree. Sometimes I feel like the words are caught in my throat, cos that is where my crying starts, with my throat tightening. I've found that a) it gets easier the more you do it, and b) writing stuff down first makes it way easier too, cos instead of trying to pull the words out of my mind which is in dysregulated overdrive, I'm just reading em off a page, don't need to think about it. Might be worth trying 😉

[Birdofparadise8]

Thanks for the suggestion. I meant something like KHL or SANE for in the moment type of stuff. 

I already have my psychologist who is good. 

Oh so mentally pushing it away. What I'm reading sounds like self compassion. Which I don't have any. 

@Jynx 

[Birdofparadise8]

I'll also get the soup recipe shortly i forgot about it sorry @Jynx 

[Jynx]

@Birdofparadise8 ahh I getcha. Yeah that's why I thought I'd tell you about friendline, for those moments where it's not crisis-levels but you do need to connect with a person. Feeling heard and understood in times of deep pain can be so healing. 

Yep self-compassion is a big part of it, as is acceptance. If you don't have any self-compassion, it's okay! Because it can be developed, like any skill. We even have a blog about it, here. If you practice every day, it'll start to stick, become more natural, and eventually becomes automatic. Like, it's not like I don't have crappy thoughts about myself anymore, they still happen. But they happen far less frequently, and now my automatic response to crappy thoughts is to practice acceptance and self-compassion so that I no longer hop on that downward, self-degrading spiral. It's more like a gentle "Hey, woah, that's a bit harsh. Thanks for that brain, I guess I understand why that thought popped into my head, but I don't think it's helpful. Let's try something else." 

[Birdofparadise8]

I had some practice over the past two years, but I'm just not good at it. It seems to be fake. Like I'm fake. Lol, I'm being mean to myself about not being self-compassionate. My mind is truly stuffed. 

Side track - last week, I had a session with my psych, and I told him how I was crying at night time and feeling sad. I just couldn't understand why, and I felt like I just kept saying I didn't know the whole time. I hope he isn't annoyed at me. It felt like I was wasting a session. 

I have more understanding of what I've been feeling since I saw him on Wednesday. I just don't know how to explain it. tyme mentioned feelings of emptiness, but I don't know how I would explain that. @Jynx 

[creative_writer]

Hi @Shaz51 and @Birdofparadise8. I hope you both have a good afternoon and evening 🙂. @Laura sometimes it’s hard to find a reason why you feel sad. People can feel pretty low and not be able to identify a trigger

[Birdofparadise8]

Hi @creative_writer 

Yeah maybe. My psych kept asking me why I was feeling sad and he would ask again on Thursday. 

Thursday feels too far away. 

[Jynx]

@Birdofparadise8 practice every day? And also, funny thing about humans is that the more we hear something, the more we believe it to be true. When I first started out practicing self-compassion, did I believe what I was saying to myself? Hell no! Felt weird, felt awkward, felt SO dang uncomfortable. But I kept going. It's almost like that phrase, 'fake it till you make it'. Mostly I think it's said in relation to like, pretending to be good at your job till you get promoted or whatever. But I've found (kinda frustratingly actually, lol) that it is true of stuff like self-compassion and self-esteem, too. Like, did you know that there was a study done that found that physically forcing yourself to smile can actually lift your mood? Repetition, practice, saying stuff out loud to yourself, it all helps. Maybe try right now, tell yourself (out loud, for bonus points!), "My mind isn't stuffed. There's reasons it is so challenging for me to be nice to myself. But it doesn't mean there's no hope for change and improvement." 

You're allowed to get frustrated in therapy! And if he is annoyed at you (which I reckon is unlikely), so what? It's not your job to make him feel better, that's his job! And if it feels like you wasted a session, you can totally tell him that! Feedback is important in therapy, cos if the therapist isn't told when something isn't working, they might just keep trying to do it. And if you're having trouble explaining your feelings to him, tell him that, so he might be able to start asking some questions to help you reflect and explore the feelings. Food for thought 😉