Not Coping

[Birdofparadise8]

Thanks @Snowie 

ah yeah. 

Mum goes home today. 

[creative_writer]

@Birdofparadise8, I hope the best for this interview and you get the job 🙂

[Birdofparadise8]

Thanks, @creative_writer it went well.

How are you today?

My mum is going back home today she leaves at 4 pm. I want to cry so badly. Not because of her and her leaving, but because I'll be alone. 

[Birdofparadise8]

Hi @tyme 

How's your day been? 

Mum has just left for the airport. Now I'm back to being alone. 

[tyme]

Hey @Birdofparadise8 ,

Alone but not lonely?

It's nice to have your own place now. 

Now that you have a bit more space, any plans?

So how does a shared house work? Do you have equal share to clean the common rooms? 

I've just read that you had an interview. How'd it go?

[Birdofparadise8]

No, I'm crawling into that lonely place again @tyme.

Yes, it is nice to have more room. I'm unsure the others are here yet, so I've put some of my stuff away.

I'm going to the gym and supermarket tomorrow, so fun, haha. 

Well, one lady doesn't seem to like cleaning, seeing she left the place all gross. Mold in the shower.

I don't know when she will return, but we have Lego in common. 

Yeah, it was good, but there might be more than one interview. I didn't think it would be like that, but anyway. 

I think tonight will be a crying night. I've been trying to keep myself together until Mum has left. 

I'm unsure if I'm crying because I'm lonely or something else. I just feel very sad. 

[tyme]

Sorry to hear you are feeling so sad. Do you feel comfy 'crawling into that lonely place'? I mean, do you like it, or is it something you want to change?

I'm not saying it's a bad thing because I like being alone... I'm just not sure if you wanted to be in that lonely place.

It sounds like you have been holding all your emotions in since you've been with your family. I can imagine the vent up emotions need to come out somehow. If crying is the way to go, go for it. Remember, it's not wrong to cry.

And the sadness....is it more emptiness? @Birdofparadise8 

What's something you can do for now to help you feel better?

I'm glad you had the interview. Hope you make it to the next round if they have one. Hope you get another job soon. Jobs can really bring stability and accountability for a person. I know it does for me.

[Birdofparadise8]

I don't like it, but it's not like I have a choice. I have no one around me. 

My one friend has gone home again since he broke up with his ex-boyfriend for the second time. He is the only one I have.

I do have the girl's brunch on the 21st. It's scary I won't know anyone. 

I like being alone as well, but not to the point where it makes me cry all the time and keep the rumination going. 

Yeah, it's been since the 19th of December, so about three-ish weeks. It's been a while. I just don't want the crying to then become worse, like if I start to cry, then the rumination and then if things get so bad SI, which I haven't had for a few months now. 

I also don't want to be feeling like this when uni starts at the end of Feb. I want this year to be a good year, but I don't even know what that looks like. 

Mmm, maybe I do feel empty. I don't even know what that looks like. Maybe an empty void that's in me, and because of all the time alone, it gets bigger.

I'll just finish off a movie I was watching with Mum and then get my dinner. I'll probably cry at some point. I'm trying to avoid it because I don't want to feel the pain. Maybe I'm just too scared to feel. 

Thank you. I hope it gets somewhere as well. I've applied for about another five today. One is an eight-minute walk from me. It's so cool. It's also hospital admin, which I would prefer. Yes, I need something to help keep me occupied. It's also a good way to meet people. 

Also, I hope the two new roommates will like me, and then that will help with the loneliness as well @tyme.  

[Birdofparadise8]

What time do you finish work @Blackbird11?

I hope it's going okay. 

[Blackbird11]

Hey @Birdofparadise8 

I had pre course component for first aid to do and I got that done today. I have a full day with it Tuesday.

How are you doing?