Dear @Emelia8
I am sorry i haven't been on here, i don't even know if i should be anymore. I miss @Owlunar very much and hope that she is okay, it's the not knowing that is making me anxious about her.
I have missed you too Em. I know we have been chatting and supporting each other for a very long time, even before Sane.
I haven't been well again, with another attack of diverticulitis last Monday. Ended up in ambulance to local hospital overnight. In pain for 4 days and now I am not too bad, just tired. That's now three attacks in less than 6 months.
Work has been another issue - my hours keep changing. I am gooing to speak to the owner/pharmacist next week when he is back from leave. I need him to know how upset i am at all these roster changes without any conversation with myself. Just saw it on roster that i was now working until 7pm on tuesdays. it's doing my head in because i need structure, i need routine and when things change - well i don't cope. I wish i didn't have to work but unfortunately finances are tight so i have no choice.
i had a session with a new psycholgoist last week. she seems nice, young so not sure how much she knows about BPD, but i am seeing her. she gave me a 320 question survey to complete so she can get a better understanding of my mental illness. i was very anxoius all week thinking she will give me another diagnosis. i couldn't handle another diagnosis. anyway, i went again monday this week and what a disaster. she explained the questionnaire and it was defginitely correct in explaining all about my negative thoughts, behaviour, BPD, anxiety, depression, ptsd. also negative thoughts about myself, my lack of self confidence. Apparently one of the results on the graph went right off the page as high as ever. the base line was 50 but mine went sky high. it was to do with self image, depression, anxiety and thoughts about myself.
but hearing it from another person really brought home how bad i am and all the issues that need addressing. she asked how i felt after her reading all the responses. i replied 'i wish you didn't do this questionnaire' it's overwhelming and confronting. then i can't remember how but we started to talk about my trauma. that's when it all went downhill from there. i had a psychosis episode, didn't know where i was, thought the man in the painting next to me on the wall was real, told her to get rid of that man. grabbed my car keys and wanted to leave, but didn't get up to go. she obviously saw how i was and tried to ground me with the 5 senses. i did answer some but not many. i was in a bad state.
i finally got up and said i have to get out of here. she made me sit in the waitingn room and didn't want me to drive home. i sat there for a while in a zoned out state. i finally got up after 15 mins and decided to walk out to which i got to the door and burst into tears. i sat down again and then after anotehr 10 mins i walked out. it took another 15 mins in the car of crying, shaking and not really knowing what i was doing.
i tried to slow my breathing down to which then i was able to drive home. i then went to bed as i was exhausted.
she did mention that she was going to call my psych and speak with him.
as for psychs - i am seeing a female psych on monday for an assessment again and see her instead of my regular one. he never explained why, so i feel rejected and abandoned by him. not sure how i will be with this new one but i know i will be angry at her and i am gong to tell her that i feel abandoned by my regular psych. luckily she is in the same rooms as him so i guess they can chat about my issues.
i better go, i dont' knopw why i even came on here. i feel i don't deserve to be here anymore. i have lost a friend in @Owlunar and it hurts not knowing. i wish a @Former-Member could find out if she is okay and let us know.
thank you for your reply, i was crying reading what you wrote. i am sorry i haven't replied to your post but i do care about you and know how hard it is at the moment for you. xxxxoooo
hi @BPDSurvivor @Judi9877 @Snowie @Shaz51 @MDT @Anastasia @saltandpepper @Eve7
and others following that i can't remember. xxxxxx
