My Mosaic

[NatureLover]

😢 Sending hugs, @Bow  💜

[NatureLover]

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@Eve7 wrote:

Struggling today @Bow and only just out of bed and having breakfast. S2 in hospital this week with heart trouble and his wife isn’t coping. Hopefully S2’s heart rhythm can be fixed.

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@Eve7  Sorry to hear this 😞

[Bow]

i seen my dietician this morning. i thought it would be a quick in and out appointment this morning cause ive really not progressed at all the last fortnight, things are hard ED wise. But i was there for nearly all the hour. I really appreciate that she is so trauma informed, it makes talking about what is going on for me that much easier. 

today she bought up meal support and that she would like to try that with me. Ive never heard of it before and asked her to explain it to me. Its basically sitting down together and eating something, and her supporting me to do so. I immediatly freaked out, that doesnt sound safe at all. But she said that we could just start with an up and go if that felt safer. So i have agreed to do it next time i see her, but i am so anxious. I dont cope well with eating in front of people other than my immediate family at home. I think thats why she suggested it, cause i had an incident during the week where someone bought donuts into our DBT group. Panic set it straight away for me. It would be nice to be able to enjoy food with friends again. Will see how it goes next fortnight. 

We are having family over for lunch.... thats going to be hard enough.

Yesterday i seen my case manager.  she did all the check in questions.... eating, drinking, meds, SH, SI. I was ashamed to admit that i had SH since last seeing her. I then worked up the courage to ask for additional support over the weekend. Really feel like i need it at the moment with my increased SI around the upcoming trauma anniversary. I dont want to be here anymore and i just really dont trust myself much at the moment. 

[Former-Member]

@Bow I know it's hard at the moment, but I read so much hope and strength in your post – you are showing up to the DBT group, you are engaged with your case manager and you are looking into trying a new technique with your dietician. That's truly impressive! You're turning up for yourself in the best possible ways, which can be really hard work. It's natural you will feel challenged along the way, but if you can try to take baby steps that will really help to ensure you stay on your recovery path 💜

[Bow]

Thanks for pointing that out @Former-Member unfortunately all I see is me wasting everyone’s time. 

[NatureLover]

@Former-Member  you're so encouraging! I like how you see the positives 🙂

[NatureLover]

@Bow  I'm sorry things are so hard at the moment 😞

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@Bow wrote:

i had an incident during the week where someone bought donuts into our DBT group. Panic set it straight away for me.

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I am shocked someone brought donuts in - is the DBT group about EDs? Or at least, does the group know you have an ED? 

I hope you can share with them how the donuts made you panic 😞

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@Bow wrote:

Its basically sitting down together and eating something, and her supporting me to do so. I immediatly freaked out, that doesnt sound safe at all.

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Oh gosh, @Bow ...I am learning so much from you about EDs. Well done for agreeing to something that feels so unsafe. (I am comparing it to how I feels about germs, unsafe /scared too.) I will be sending wishes for you for this...when is your next dietitian appt? 

[Bow]

Hey @NatureLover  it’s not a ED specific CBT group and only the facilitators know I have an ED. It was a nice though… they were blue ones for state of origin. She wasn’t to know I had an ED… I haven’t really shared that much with the group. 

my next appointment with my dietitian is in a fortnight. So I have a whole fortnight to be anxious over it. She said that she would send me a text to remind about the meal support. 

In good news… I woke to the news that USA are dropping their covid testing requirements to enter the country. It was one of my biggest stressors about our upcoming holiday… testing positive while in the UK before heading to the US for our time at Disneyland. Such relief!

[NatureLover]

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@Bow wrote:

Hey @NatureLover  it’s not a ED specific CBT group and only the facilitators know I have an ED. It was a nice though… they were blue ones for state of origin. She wasn’t to know I had an ED… I haven’t really shared that much with the group.

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Ah, OK, @Bow 👍

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@Bow wrote:

my next appointment with my dietitian is in a fortnight. So I have a whole fortnight to be anxious over it. 

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On the other hand, you maybe have a whole fortnight to psych yourself up for it? (Not sure if it works like that for you)

Sending you hugs and 💜 for the coming week...

[Bow]

The images that flash in front of my eyes are of events that I wish I could forget.

The pain that I feel in my body are of things that were done against my will.

I see you, I feel you, oh how I wish I didn’t have to.

The flashbacks are beyond my control.

I try and keep my body moving so that it doesn’t happen, but still they do.

Interrupt, invading, persuading there way into my life.

I try and make them stop but I can’t

They keep coming.

Some days they knock the wind out of me.

The intensity of them, they are as vivid today as it was when it first happened.

So away I go.

Disappearing.

Away to a safe place.

But I don’t really know where I am.

Time just disappears.

I have pockets of time that are lost.

All cause of the trauma I did not choose.