My Mosaic

[Jynx]

I never knew I'd need this much febreze lol @Bow 😅

It is weird to have a sense of relief amongst the grief sometimes hey. I remember when I had to put my pet rat down, and send his brother off to live with a colony (rats don't do well alone). I was devastated, but also soooo relieved about not having to put so much work into them all the time. And my wardrobe thanked me too, they were always chewing holes in my clothes!! I felt hella guilty about it at the time but have grown to realise that they just weren't the right kind of pet for me. Cats all round, much lower maintenance!! 😸

Ach, low energy kinda day or something keeping you stuck you reckon?

[Bow]

Haha yes febreeze for sure @Jynx ! Or glen20! I’d always stick the oil diffuser on when I knew someone was coming to visit. 

I totally get that guilt amongst the grief for sure. And I totally appreciate you sharing it cause I felt so bad about it! I felt overwhelmed by the list of things I was gonna have to do for him for the rest of his life as a cat with an illness. The cost too. And we had him booked into the vets boarding centre while we were overseas cause we didn’t want to burden our house sitters with his illness and the risk of him becoming more unwell. None of that now. And I’ve decided one cat is enough. 

Oh definitely stuck @Jynx whole thing with my SW has just sent me into a downward spiral. Very low mood. Really not able to look after myself much at the moment. Lotsa SH. Sleeping a lot during the day and not eating. Feel utterly stupid. Like just get over it idiot. Not answering calls and then people worry. 

[Jynx]

@Bow I think I've caused a residue buildup to drip down my walls because I burn so much incense 😅 Maybe a diffuser would go better! 

It's kinda odd how we've seemingly decided as a society that humans are only allowed to experience one (1) emotion at a time 🤔  Like... the universe is alllll about the shades of grey, and yet it's like 'oh if you're grieving, you're not allowed to be relieved' because somehow that means we're not really experiencing grief...somehow? I dunno it's silly. Two things can be true! 

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@Bow wrote:

Oh definitely stuck @Jynx whole thing with my SW has just sent me into a downward spiral. Very low mood. Really not able to look after myself much at the moment. Lotsa SH. Sleeping a lot during the day and not eating. Feel utterly stupid. Like just get over it idiot. Not answering calls and then people worry. 

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Hun... this is also grief. You've lost a close relationship - a professional one yes, but close nonetheless. You're not stupid for being impacted by such a big change!! And like yeah you'll still see her, but this is where the term 'disinfranchised grief' is relevant - the type of grief that is not typically socially understood. Thus, there's a much higher likelihood we will internalise our grief as shame for feeling like 'we shouldn't feel this way'. But your reaction is valid - and maybe if you allow space for these emotions, it won't feel so much like a spiral 🫂

[Bow]

Oh yes, a diffuser might be worth a try @Jynx  my mum was heaps into oils years back, so we have a whole collection of different scents! I like the nice floral smelling ones, I’ve found lavender is good and strong to cover cat pee! lol 

Grief and relief… I felt utter terrible about this combination when my step dad passed last year. I think mostly for mum. She did a lot of the caring for years. I think when you know it’s going to happen, you grieve for a long time before hand. You grieve all the ‘lasts’.  And yep… we totally can feel a whole array of emotions at the one time. 

When I was on the phone with my old SW today, she made the comment ‘I know you’re not happy about the change’. That made me feel terrible. Kinda like I’m just sulking and having a tanty. But it’s nothing like that. Underneath all that I am feeling I’m heaps happy for her cause I know she will do an amazing job and bring about some important changes. But yeah I’m sad about the changes. I’m grieving an amazing SW that really got me and supported me so much. I don’t know I just didn’t like what and how she said it. Don’t think people understand how big a change this is for some people. I was the only one of her current clients that she actually came out and told. She just called everyone else. Constant loss and change has been a huge and frequent thing in my life and it’s a bloody hard. How do you expect people like me to trust???? 

mums due home tomorrow (freaking early too!!) and I haven’t told her about my SW yet. I know she would worried about me if I told her. 

[Jynx]

I reckon it'll be similar with my Dad @Bow, when he passes. I'm glad we had this conversation actually, I think it'll be really important for my mum to hear that it's okay if she feels relieved after he goes. So thank you. 

To me, that just sounds like an observation hun - but I didn't hear the tone so I can't say for sure. But first off, do you think your SW actually thinks of you that way? And also, having a big emotional response to a BIG change, especially because, as you said yourself, "Constant loss and change has been a huge and frequent thing in my life". That's not a tantrum, that's a reasonable reaction to a significant change that has also been compounded by all the other changes and losses, so like... you're probably feeling them all at once. Please let yourself be a sulky mess, it's okay! And if you can't shake the feeling - talk to her! I'm sure she'd be happy to reassure you. 

I gotta say goodnight, I hope you have a chill evening hun! Till next time 💜

[Snowie]

Hey @Bow 

I hope today is a little better for you hon. I know you re still hurting a lot.

Sending lots of 💕💕

[rav3n]

hiya @Bow & @Snowie, hope you both are able to have a restful Friday evening 💜

any plans for this weekend ? 

[Snowie]

Hi @rav3n 

Home alone again. Am exhausted.

Meant to take mum out tomorrow to the shopping centre.

[rav3n]

@Snowie is H or your kids going to come home later tonight? 

what'd you get up to today? 

hmm i have a feeling that when you take mum shopping tomorrow, she'll probably want to have a coffee with you. hopefully she asks before the ride home. 

[Snowie]

H should be home in about 2 hours @rav3n 

No kids tonight.

Took mum to her eye appointment in the city. A long appt. and long drive.

Don't know yet if we are going. I did suggest that during the week would be better, less people.

I don't think I could handle the crowds tomorrow.