My Mosaic

[tyme]

Hugs @Bow - I'm sorry to hear things are so tough right now. As @Eve7 mentioned, we are sitting with you.

[Bow]

I feel good about today. Accomplished 2 things that I have been desperately wanting to start again.

[tyme]

Sp good to hear @Bow ! Out of curiosity, would you say ECT has helped? I know you were worried about how it would affect your memory.

[Bow]

I think so @tyme my mood is not as flat, don’t feel as depressed. But it doesn’t help anxiety or ptsd or my ED. And it doesn’t change your thoughts. So I don’t wake up with that overwhelming despair, but my thoughts, my ED, flashbacks… I have been finding that they can send me into a bit of a spiral and make me feel depressed. 
And I don’t think it has affected my memory.

[tyme]

True. Fair enough. I'm glad to hear it hasn't affected your memory. I also acknowledge that it doesn't change your thoughts. @Bow .

I'm wondering if you are now better equipped to work with a therapist with some of these thoughts?

Why I'm saying this is that for me, I couldn't actually engage in any therapy to help my thoughts until I 'sorted out' the depression. My depression was so acute that life was just about dying. When my mood lifted, and the depression was under control, I could then engage in therapy. 

What do you think?

[Bow]

Yep @tyme  I think a lot of my therapy up until I went into hospital this time has been managing crisis from week to week. 
I did do some trauma work, but that was stopped cause things were becoming acute again (although I believe my psych  knew that she was changing position and wouldn’t be able to complete the exposure work). It’s why my first psychologist wiped her hands of me so abruptly- I was too acute for her. 

don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust my new psych enough to be able to do the hard work though. 

[tyme]

I think it's an area where therapists need to tread lightly and really know their clients. @Bow 

Even with my own trauma, my therapist always checked-in to see whether I wanted to continue.

I hear how difficult it would have been working from crisis to crisis. I think I was similar before.

However, there comes a time when you sort of 'know' you are ready to move on to the more tough stuff.

Do you feel more equipped? It's okay if you are not.

[Bow]

Yep @tyme  my old psych use to always check in with me before continuing exposure therapy each week. I probably agreed to it some weeks when I wasn’t really ready for it.  

and yes, it’s hard when you are just trying to stay alive from week to week. That’s why my psychologist put through the referral for me to have a case manager. So that I would have more support outside my appointments with her and when she wasn’t there cause she only worked part time. 

I don’t think I feel anymore equipped now than what I felt before. Unfortunately. 

[tyme]

Fair enough @Bow . Only you know what you are and aren't ready for. 

Maybe it's not even tackling the trauma, but more just working on changing thinking processes e.g. divert your thinking to be more helpful?

I found this work very helpful. But a lot of hard work too.

[Bow]

My new psychologist is away until the middle of next month @tyme . I’ve only seen her once before I ended up in hospital. I guess there is still a lot of getting to know you kinda stuff. 
I am really anxious about seeing her because the 2 times that I have connected with her I haven’t really felt comfortable and I know it’s only early days and I need to give her time. But I am scared that she won’t be a good fit and then I’ll just be stuck with someone that I can’t work with and it will all be just a waste of everyone’s time. 

but yeah. I don’t even know where I would even begin to try and start working on stuff. There is all the trauma. I have a trauma anniversary coming up early next month. But my psych will be away. And then there is my ED.