I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I was going to join @Jynx @tyme but I don’t think I have the capacity. 

And no I don’t get why that post was ok. I’m so confused and just don’t get it. I don’t know what is right and what is wrong. 

I’ve deleted it anyway as I think it was too dark. 

Im really struggling with this. 

[tyme]

All good @Captain24 . No stress at all.

What's happening on your side?

[Captain24]

I’m just not getting it @tyme 

Lots is happening but I don't feel I can express it. The post I deleted says it all. 

It doesn’t feel the same in here right now. 

Are you back? 

[tyme]

Hey hey @Captain24 , yes, I'm here. I'm a little confused about what you are referring to, but I don't want to ask you to repeat it because it can bring up a lot of unpleasant things.

The main thing is, the now. Let's just be in the present for now?

[Captain24]

 @tyme 

The present is a bit uneasy. 

Pix is wanting something but I have no idea what she wants. She is just talking, scratching at the lounge and jumping on me. 

Are you home from holidays? How’s things with your sister? 

[tyme]

Oh dear. I'm sorry you have been in crisis in the last week. @Captain24 . I hope you were able to reach out for help. And knowing you, you are so honest which means when you say you are in crisis, you ARE in crisis. I'm sorry it has been so so hard for you. Was there a trigger? (No need to respond if you don't feel up to it)

I've been taking Ruby out for a walk a lot more since returning from Syd. She's been really good. I can't complain. We returned over the weekend. I was so glad to have space.

And guess what? I spoke to my niece about her having to sleep in her own bed now that it's a new year. I helped her make a rewards chart so that if she stays in her bed every night of the week, she ticks each day off and gets a prize at the end of the week. She's done 3 nights so far and it's FANTASTIC for me!

She's just finished her nightly talk with me and she's gone back to her place - fingers crossed this stays like that.

Oh, then the other 2 kids wanted a rewards chart, so I made them one too. They weren't able to stay in their beds, but at least they don't come to me!

Kids went back to school today so thank God there's a bit more normality here. I had a serious parenting chat to my BIL yesterday and today, and he's also been much better at home.

At this stage in my life, I'm considering so many things. I'm ready for change. I'm not sure what that will look like exactly, but as I've said before, I won't be living here for ever. So I'm exploring options now in case I have to put down a deposit for a house somewhere else... then hopefully by the time I move in, it will have been paid off...

So yeah.. that's my life in a nutshell.

Now handing over the mic to you.... are you stressed about your holiday?

[Captain24]

Actually the trigger was here @tyme. Everything that’s been going on. My psych was amazing. She wants me to try and get into the GP sooner. She thinks I need help from a Pdoc. Plus she thinks I need the ADHD assessment asap. 

Im sure Ruby is loving it. I’m so glad you have your own space. I was worried about you. 

That’s so good that she is sleeping at home. I’m sure you are enjoying your own space. 

At least you have him stepping up. 

I know how important routine is for you. It must be nice to be getting back into it. 

It sounds like you are considering it sooner than you planned? But getting a plan in place sounds good. 

Turns out Pix wanted a treat. She has left me alone now I gave her one. She is under my bed. Jett is on my lap. 

I left home yesterday at 6:30 and got home last night at 9:10. I got to see my friends in hospital and it was really good. So many hugs! Some of the nurses, the cleaner and a facilitator remembered me by name and everyone asked how I was going. 

I went for a walk along the beach and then had my psych appointment. She was running late and then my session also went an hour and a half. So I drove 4 hrs home without stopping! 

I was lucky with Roos, I’m not sure if it was the extreme heat or the massive storm but they weren’t on the road so I didn’t care. 

Today I had a mammogram she was concerned as she found a lump and then checked my last scan and saw it there and stopped worrying! 

Also I started to pack today. Jett has to have his vaccination before we go so he is booked in on Monday. There’s a few things I have to sort out tomorrow and then find sh packing as much as I can. 

We have come up with a plan for while I’m away. My psych is concerned with the amount of time with my parents. But we have found some time for space. 

[tyme]

Thank you so much for the update @Captain24 ! That's helps bring everything into perspective because I was so lost coming onto the forums and not really knowing where the last convo was going. It is all making sense now.

I'm guessing that you have now associated 'part' of these forums to an unpleasant thing and therefore associated it with a trigger? Therefore, each time that 'thing' pops up, then you feel triggered? I'm feeling this as I write it because I feel I have done it a lot with things in the past. Correct me if I'm wrong. I reckon i 'get it' now.

I'm so so glad your appointment went so well. But geezz... that's a LONGGGG day! Hope you were knackered enough to sleep when you got home. And the ADHD assessment. Who will do it and do you know how much it will cost? I need to get a move on with mine, but I'm stalling at the moment. But yes, ADHD can be part of the issue - then again, are you going to take ANOTHER medication? 

And yes, I heard it's been so so hot in NSW. Hope you are okay. That's a long drive. I like to chill when driving. I put myself into autopilot gear and just go. It doesn't mean I'm not alert, but I like to practice mindfulness when driving.

I was JUST about to ask what Pix wanted. That's incredible that they know they want a treat and will just keep telling you!

As for your trip, hope it goes okay. As I've mentioned before, set your bar very low so hopefully you won't be disappointed!

[Captain24]

Sorry.. I’ve been trying to be very careful and I am scared @tyme. Hence the so much uncertainty. 

Yes I have found that thing triggering and I think it was the final straw. Yes it has happened in the past but it finally broke me. Yes you have done it in the past too. I have always found it triggering, just that this time I was left hanging. It’s what sent me out of control. I hope that gives you more insight into the conversations we have been having recently and with how uncomfortable and uncertain I am. 

I was to wired to go to sleep when I got home. The concentration from the last hour in the dark was a lot. I had to watch for Roos and there was a massive storm around me that I was hoping it wouldn’t hit while I was driving. 

It was a really long appointment but it was really good. We did a lot of laughing. I’m not sure if you read before but we are the same age and have the same sense of humour. 

I have a clinic of pdocs that she has recommended and they do ADHD, bipolar, anxiety and ED’s. I’m not sure on the cost though, people are saying it’s around $1000 so I’m a little scared as I don’t have that. I’m kinda fine with another med if it’s going to stop feeling like this. If it will help level me out. 

She wants to do exposure therapy next appointment but I’m not really sure what that is? It’s pretty random. I’m scared to call up to say I need to go to the bathroom at work. I leave it to the point that I can’t hold on any longer. Apparently it stems from being a child and getting severely punished if I had to get up after I was put to bed. I wasn’t allowed out until 6 in the morning. 

Yeah.. there is no expectation I know it can be good but I also know how bad it can get. But we have things in place to try and help. 

[Jynx]

Hiya @Captain24 you about? How you trekkin today?