Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[AlpineSky]

Hi everyone

First time sharing my situation with the universe to see what advice and support might come back from anyone with a similar experience.

I'm currently physically separated (three weeks) from my partner of the past 1.5 years. We have been cohabitating for the past six months. While there were many sweet and tender moments, the arguments would last for up to 12 hours, deep into the night, with my partner doing 80%+ of the talking. While I'm more of an introvert have less to say, my partner can speak on the phone for 2-3 hours in a single breath if she feels triggered by something I did. Obviously in this state there is no ability to reason with her.  

From the outset my partner was very keen for the relationship to progress fast. She has not been working during the time we have been together was she wanted to prioritise her relationship with me towards the goal of starting a family. I was less keen (I have avoidant tendencies) and preferred a 'steady as we go' approach.

Some of the worst issues in the relationship manifest as a constant need to be in contact with me (calling multiple times during the day for 30+ minutes to discuss grievances), texting or calling me constantly when I am out with friends, demanding to see messages on my phone, accusations of infidelity etc. I would receive 90+ text messages and multiple calls during a game of golf if I made the mistake of not sending her a message to let her know my whereabouts and status etc.

The most stressful part has been the impact on my job. My partner wants to discuss grievances just as I am walking out the door - which can result in me raising my voice, shouting and sometimes physically struggling with her to leave the house (with torn clothes). 

The key incident that has caused the most problems came when I came home from a night six months ago with friends after admittedly drinking far too much. I was again receiving constant calls during the night, to the point where my friends took my phone off me for an hour - much to her enormous frustration. Although my memory of what happened when I got home was foggy, I shouted angrily at her, told her I hated her, called her a c-word and pushed her forcefully away from me. All very emotional and angry and mostly out of character for me - although the anger I felt then and repress now is real and something I am struggling with. 

Since this incident, her behavior became more erratic and she has become more demanding and seeks emotional justice for what happened. I have given apologies and bought gifts but it seems to be in vain as she cannot move past this night and will keep brining up its effects on her. When I make moves to leave her, she visits me at my job, makes moves to report and shame me to my employer or post unflattering material on the internet. This pattern continues in our text messaging while I am separated from her. 

About a week ago she told me she has been diagnosed with PTSD following nightmares of my anger and shouting which were recurring after we no longer shared a bed. I'm inclined to think this is more C-PTSD which combines aspects of her very anxious attachment style coupled with unresolved childhood trauma stemming from an adored and loved but and angry and violent father (aimed at emotionally volatile mother). Her upbringing also included severe neglect from both her parents during childhood and adolescence, where she was essentially ignored in favor of work and the elder children.

I do empathise with her and I want to be compassionate. But boundaries in our relationship as constantly broken or ignored. Frankly I don't wish to go back to the relationship and I'm hoping for some insights and help on making it a soft landing as possible for her. Attempts at a hard separation are met with the type of drama and escalation that will negatively impact my mental health.

Grateful for hearing anyone else's experience of being in a similar situation or words of wisdom on how I should handle things. 

[TuxedoCat]

@AlpineSky, welcome ❤️ It's really brave of you to seek some help in a new place. I hope we can offer you some care and support.

As a peer worker, I just want to check in on your safety. Do you feel that you might be hurt in anyway? I noticed that you're physically separated, but I just wanted to double-check

This sounds really similar to a relationship I had a few years ago, I'm so sorry it's happening this way. I can really hear that you want the best for her and have a lot of care. But I can also tell that it's had a massive impact on you. How have you been coping with this so far?

I also wanted to see if you have any mental health support for yourself at the moment? 

About ending the relationship. I know for my relationship, I tried to end it multiple different ways but the behaviour from the other person was always the same. In the end, I made the decision to end the relationship over the phone while I stayed with a friend. I also took a bit of time off work so the person couldn't visit me there. I kept the call really short and hung up soon after I said I was breaking up with them. I just did what I needed to feel comfortable and not too worried about the consequences. For me, it was most important that I recognised that what happened after the break-up was their decision and not my fault.

If you're up for it, I think giving Relationships NSW a call could be really helpful. They have a phone line and offer a bunch of services (some are paid).

What do you think about this?

[amber22]

Hey there @AlpineSky 

Thank you so much for sharing what you're going through and what you are experiencing right now. It is really tough to share parts of your story sometimes, so I really want to reiterate how thankful I am that you chose our forums to reach out on. I think that @TuxedoCat has mentioned some great points above, and has linked a resource that you can connect with if you're feeling up to it, I think that would be a really great idea. 

I just wanted to reply and say that I am sitting with you while you are going through what you are right now. It is not easy, and it is a journey, but reaching out for help is the greatest first step you can take. Sending many virtual hugs and we're here for you if you need ❤️

Amber22

[AlpineSky]

Thank you TuxedoCat!

Physically I'm fine but mentally I have a creeping sense of anxiety/dread, which is exhausting.

I'm not taking time off work but I am working from home for a month in a very distant location which has been useful in getting some headspace. 'Space' was a constant topic in our conversations and something we never found a balance on.

What you say about trying to end things many times in many ways resonates with me. I'm a fan of Alain de Botton and his School of Life project. The articles there on avoidant/dismissive relationships say it takes this combination of couples about 8-9 attempts to break up.

[AlpineSky]

Thanks Amber. Nice to know there are people like you here to provide people like myself with a measure of comfort at times of distress. 

[amber22]

You're so welcome @AlpineSky You're never alone in any of this, and you have so much support from us on the forums. 

Just a little tip as well, if you want to tag someone try popping the '@' symbol and then writing their username, that way it will pop up in their notifications box! 

@TuxedoCat, @AlpineSky has replied to you above 🙂