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Something’s not right

Grace50
Contributor

Exhausted

Hi am new here. I'm in a hole and can't get out. I think about not being around.  I'm in pain, I never get anything right...just one failure after the other. I wonder what the point is... I don't have a funeral plan and my son's would have to pay and it's awful having to plan a funeral for a parent.  I wouldn't be able.to do it to them. And as stupid as it sounds I don't want to get old and die. I'm so tired...my mental health/cfs/fibro and pre menopause has impacted on the family and relationship..he'd has to think about whether or not he wants to stay..(he has his own demons dealing with death and the dying).  He goes to a friend's house and decides to stay because he wants space. Why do they do that..why do they have the option to just walk out, not answer the phone etc.

I have always been left. As a child my mum didn't want me packed my stuff into garbage bags and dumped me and my stuff on side of road near my dad's house.

This current so called relationship has two broken people and it goes in circles and continues fighting. Him being confused about life and I don't know where I stand.

All I know is that I'm not worth the effort  I hate the thought of being alone (altho I do love my own company)but the way it is I am alone...he is in the spare room. ..has been for cpl months now 

I miss him in the same bed but tbh i love the room I have to sprawl out.

 

I feel like putting my head thru the wall...screaming...just stepping off a cliff....it would be easier for me. I am suffering physically and mentally..the pain is too much and my thoughts...well that little fat Hampster keeps that wheel spinning hundred miles an hour. 

I have so much to be grateful for, am just staying afloat..not sure how long before the bank will step in but for now it's ok.  I only ever wanted to be loved and to feel safe. But it always fails and they leave. 

They common thread is me...I guess I am the one who destroys everything I touch

 

 

 

 

 

9 REPLIES 9

Re: Exhausted

Thank you for sharing what has been happening @Grace50 .

 

I'm sorry to hear how tough it is right now for you.

 

You are not alone. We are sitting with you in this.

 

You do deserve to live. You deserve to feel connected. You deserve to belong.

 

I hold my hand out to you. I'm hearing you.

 

Hugs, tyme

Re: Exhausted

@Grace50 

 

There are cheap options for living quarters if things get tight.

It will mean getting rid of some baggage and having to share space with people you may not want to though.

But there are options. 

 

Don't forget that just like there are forces which enact against our body. There are also [electrical] forces which enact against our head.

 

But your doing this with everyone else.

 

Pierce through the nothing.

It's how everything grows. 

 

And if/when you feel like it's alot. Then rest, lay down for a while.

 

Everything grows.

 

Scientists say that nothing is ever made, just converted. But they are wrong.

 

Everything grows.

 

But the reason they say nothing is made is because whatever is made is from the thing that makes it. 

 

Their equation is equal, to their measure. 

 

Your doing good. Pierce the nothing. Grow.

 

And rest when you need to.

 

And don't worry too much about the bank.

There are cheaper options.

 

 

Re: Exhausted

@Grace50 

 

From the things that make it.

 

 

Re: Exhausted

@Grace50  Are you in therapy? Sounds like you need someone who is skilled who can help unpack all of this with you and help work with you to achieve the stable relationships goals that you desire. Sounds like a lot of healing needs to happen as well.

Re: Exhausted

Thanks Tyne
It just seems to keep falling apart. I don't know what I'm doing wrong

Re: Exhausted

Thankyou for reaching out

Re: Exhausted

No ...I'm on a list and have been for 6minths and counting. 8 feel like I don't matter

Re: Exhausted

@Grace50 

 

That’s a long time to be waiting. Especially given how much you’ve been dealing with. I can really relate to the feeling of being exhausted and wanting to escape that overwhelming heaviness but feeling obligated to protect family (for me it’s my grandparents/parents as I’m their only grandchild/child and I feel I need to be around to look after them when they need it). I hope you’re able to find helpful information and a sense of connection from SANE and the forums. I’d highly recommend their guided service if you can access that. BlueKnot also have helped me in the past as they deal with complex trauma.

 

Are there any coping skills you’ve found that ease the feeling of exhaustion even temporarily or distract you from it in non-destructive ways?

Re: Exhausted

Thank you for reaching out 

I will look at blueknot.

 

I don't have any coping skills 

I just seem to be causing pain and suffering to everyone and I don't know who to talk to or where to go.

I have work friends but I have burdened them with my problems and they have their own. So many of us are hurting right now.

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