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Something’s not right

Springtime
Casual Contributor

Am I being caring or enabling him to neglect his responsibilities?

Hi Everyone,

For the last few months (particularly while in lockdown in Melbourne), I've been struggling with a growing realisation that my husband's struggles (depression, anxiety and panic disorder) are potentially granting him permission (in his mind at least) to not step up regarding employment, parenting and home chore responsbilities. He is spending his days sleeping and watching the US elections unfold - all day every day. He's engaging in minimal effort in all other areas of life, including basic hygiene. Any time I attempt to discuss this with him, he responds that I'm criticising him and make him feel even worse, which then results in his contributing even less. I feel like my marriage is dissolving and I'm helpless to stop it. I'm feeling controlled and manipulated. Why would I even want to be in such a marriage? And all the finanical, parenting, home, etc responsibilities fall on me.

Has anyone else been through this? How did you effect a shift? The way we are heading one day I'll simply have enough and kick him out.

Thanks in advance,

Springtime

12 REPLIES 12

Re: Am I being caring or enabling him to neglect his responsibilities?

hello and welcome @Springtime 

has your husband always been like this or is it from the virus lockdown ?

this lockdown has been hard and to try and get back to what we were doing will take time again 

the Links below are good to click on to and have a look 

Carers Hints and tips to Success 

8 dimensions of wellness 

you are not alone my friend 

@Former-Member, @Determined@Smc@Appleblossom@Faith-and-Hope 

Re: Am I being caring or enabling him to neglect his responsibilities?

Hi @Springtime 

I'm going to echo @Shaz51 with a gentle reminder that the pandemic and sequential lock down have had a dramatic affect on the state of a lot of peoples mental health--whether they've had pre-existing mental health issues or not. It is also going to affect everyone differently, I think that's important to remember. The way people deal with the initial situation and the resulting after shock is going to vary. I imagine since your husband sounds like he is out of commission right now, that you're having to pick up the slack and that's rough and it's not fair and I feel your frustration for wanting him to do more.

It sounds like your husband was aware of his mental health issues prior to the pandemic, did he/or does he now, have support networks for this? Is he on any medication? Does he see a therapist?

You're in a bit of a tight spot right now, and I'm sorry to say it, but no matter how many talks you have with him about doing more he isn't going to suddenly turn around and get it. Depression is debilitating. You've said he's taking your talks as a personal attack, like he's not good enough. I personally don't believe he is attempting to manipulate you. This is an almost constant thought process that runs through the mind of a depressed person. Feelings of not being good enough and there's no point to anything are common. A depressed person isn't seeing things through a rational scope, everything becomes warped and they really do feel like all they mange to do is fail at everything, which makes it hard to function at all. The big problem I think you'll have here is accepting that there's not a whole lot you can do. You can't force someone to get help, to change, to think or behave differently. They have to want to change, to feel better, to do more, to live.

As someone who has been to the deep end of depression, and managed to claw my way out, my advice would be this:

>> Even at my lowest point where I contemplated suicide, I still wasn't able to recognise I was depressed and needed help. I was consumed by my own suffering and convinced there was no hope at all. Things that helped me recognise I in fact was depressed was reading material. Books helped, reading novels themed with depression/trauma gave me something to relate to. Reading forums like this and being able to connect with people with similar experiences. And this is probably the biggest one of all: Being validated. I felt I was wrong to feel the things I felt, that I was broken, that there was something wrong with me. The biggest turning point in my life is when someone gave me permission to feel those things. I was justified in feeling depressed, upset, angry, all of it. Acknowledging my feelings instead of trying to push them aside and carry on with life was a game changer for me. Once I acknowledged my feelings, I was able to start working through them and move to a better place--mentally.

>> Encourage your husband to check out this forum or any he likes the look of. Get it set up on the computer for him and make it accessible, book mark the page, anything that will help encourage him to actually take that first step

>> Get some books or movies he can watch/read that are relevant to his mental health and talk to him about the content. If he can see/read about characters with the challenges he's facing, he might be more inclined to acknowledge his own feelings

>> Find resources from sites like this and print off some info for him to read through. Again making it accessible, printing it off and sitting it on his bedside table or something. There are even mental health tests you can whip through online (if he's open to that) that can help him gauge the severity of his depression--he most likely isn't aware how badly he is struggling

>> Remind him of positive moments in life you've shared together. Talk about moments you've shared and enjoyed. Push him to see there were times when he was happy

>> If he's able to make the connection that his mental health isn't great, you can look into seeing a GP, going on medication, or seeing a therapist. There's a lot of options for support out there, he just has to be open to it.

 

Having said all that, there is only so much a person can do to help. He has to want to get help, you can't make him want to change. Try to be patient and remind yourself he isn't the only one who has struggled with mental health issues this year--it's been a terrible year for so many people. It might also help if you take some time for yourself, accept that there is only so much you can do. You aren't wonder woman, nor should you be. The pandemic has had an affect on you too, you've lost the support of your husband--and that is huge--I also assume this is a widespread issue for many married couples during 2020. Take more time for yourself, accept things aren't going to be how they used to be, try to adjust to new routines even if things aren't getting done. It's a new normal, but it's temporary. It is only temporary.

 

I sincerely hope you and your husband find a way to navigate this challenge together. Please take care of yourself and I hope I've been able to help.

Re: Am I being caring or enabling him to neglect his responsibilities?

Hugs @saltandpepper  xxx 

We are here for you @Springtime  

Re: Am I being caring or enabling him to neglect his responsibilities?

It's so tough - I have this problem with my husband too. He has schizophrenia and takes frequent breaks away from the house, where I feel like a single parent - but he's usually very hard to live with before he goes so I often enjoy the breaks too. Many times I have wondered if it's actually worth it or what it would be like to have a relationship with someone without mental health problems - it's really hard and everything you've said I've felt myself at some point too.

 

I think a mental health diagnosis is not an excuse, but a starting point for finding help and learning techniques and strategies to live with it. It sounds like your husband is using his mental health problems as an excuse and I'd talk to him about. Maybe focus on your feelings as you talk to him, not everything needs to be about him. Sometimes having nothing to do can increase depression - maybe find something he can be responsible for like cooking dinner.

 

You are doing amazingly. He's so beyond lucky to have you. I've been to a few support groups over the years and partners of people with mental health problems are always to most resilient, independent people I've met. So give yourself a pat on the back and acknowledge how wonderful you are.

 

Good luck, and whatever you choose to do will be the right thing.

 

Re: Am I being caring or enabling him to neglect his responsibilities?

Hi @Springtime

 

There is a fine line between caring and enabling.

I have been through a similar situation with my husband getting unwell. He went to the gp got medicated and sent onto a psychiatrist when not improving. Though he still worked and attended social outings he was essentially there but not there. Interaction with me and the kids was the same and made me frustrated. 

I would attend psych visits. Progress was extremely slow and I was told he would get over it “when he was ready.” As a wife and mum trying to work and hold everything together I was shocked. It was a lot of pressure to be under. My husband continued to decline and withdraw into himself which required a hospital admission. With treatment he slowly improved and allowed leave to go home.

One of the big things in having leave the Dr would always ask what my husband planned to do and if he didn’t know activities were set. The Dr would then want to know when he saw him if he had completed the tasks and if not why not. The Dr made it very clear he was not to go home and check out. He had to put effort in and work for the reward.  It made him accountable and helped to keep him moving forward.

I think any time disconnection goes beyond a couple of weeks then encouragement and intervention is required not only for the unwell person but the sake of the family as well.

After years of going through this and following his hospitalisation I read a book for partners of an unwell person but not sure I’m allowed to mention name maybe dm if interested.

This book gave me understanding on how to help and how to hold back for both our benefits. It helped me to stop feeling like I was held hostage to his depression. 

Have you seen a counsellor yourself ?

It can be helpful to vent your concerns and guide you in this difficult time.

 

 

Re: Am I being caring or enabling him to neglect his responsibilities?

WinterSun, I would like to know about that book, but I can't see how to message you.

Re: Am I being caring or enabling him to neglect his responsibilities?

Hello @Huldah 

you put a @WinterSun  in front of members names and they will receive your message 

@Springtime@Karly@saltandpepper 

Re: Am I being caring or enabling him to neglect his responsibilities?

Thanks!

Re: Am I being caring or enabling him to neglect his responsibilities?

@WinterSun  I would like to know what book that is please.

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